Going into 2017, I wasn’t too optimistic. My boyfriend, whom I thought at the time was my soulmate, immediately decided to leave me at the beginning of the year, and it was also going to be my first full year of working full-time. Little did I know that these unsettling circumstances would be exactly what I needed to propel me into a new phase of consciousness in my life. I’ve always been able to really step up to the plate for myself when things begin to seem their darkest.
While I had already been pretty involved with yoga and meditation in the past, 2017 was really the year that these practices struck home for me. There were probably only a couple of the 365 days that I didn’t dedicate an hour towards these two practices. I can confidently say that this was the best investment of time I could have possibly made. Truly integrating mindfulness, self-love, and positivity into my life would not have been possible without my home yoga practice.
For the first time in my life, I began showing myself compassion and tenderness that I never knew I was capable of. This finally allowed me freedom from the desperate search for a partner in this life. Since I was very young that was one of my most painful concerns. I feared so often that I would never find someone to love me and that without someone to love me, my life could never be happy. I can’t tell you how many nights my teenage self cried herself to sleep agonizing over this thought or how much time I’ve wasted trying, with immense pain and frustration, to fit someone into that spot. Each time a lover left me I felt it was a confirmation that I was flawed and unlovable, and therefore destined for a life of misery and loneliness.
2017 really allowed me to learn that I am the only one I truly need. Now that I’ve cultivated love for myself, I no longer feel such a deep need for someone else. It is such a freeing feeling to have made peace with the possibility of spending my life alone. I am not afraid anymore, because I have me.
I have built so much strength in 2017, emotionally and physically. It has been quite a thrill to see myself blossom. I have so savored watching the slow unfolding. My mind has become a kaleidoscope of possibility. I can’t help but laugh at the rigidity I use to have in my perception. I felt so justified in my anger or despair or frustration. I was convinced there was no alternative to the feelings I had, because I was simply responding logically to my reality. I now know that regardless of what comes my way each day, there isn’t simply one “logical” response. I get to choose each moment how I feel and think of myself and my life. Mindfulness and meditation practice has allowed me to step back from my emotion and see the different paths there are before me in each instant of awareness. Now I am (usually) able to choose gratitude.
I am so excited to continue my journey of learning, growth, and discovery into 2018. I can’t wait to see who I have become by the end.
Hope your 2018 is transformative! ♥