The Importance of Reflection

I’ve been really struggling with accepting myself recently. While awaiting the return of a potential love interest, I am consumed with this feeling that I won’t be good enough for this person. I feel as though I’ve run out of time to improve myself and now I am going to spoil an important moment with my imperfections. While I can’t help but try to franticly make changes to myself due to this, realizing I don’t have enough time anyway has brought me to reflex on how far that I’ve come already.

Today I did a beautiful yoga session and meditated in the grass covered in sunlight. I completed vinyasas and held poses I never would have dreamed of myself practicing a few years ago. My meditation wasn’t the best I’ve ever had. Yet I’ve integrated this practice into my everyday life and I have become a better person for it. I practiced Spanish even though I’m making incredibly slow progress. Regardless of my improvement, I’m proud of myself for my persistence. I know because of it, I’ll get to my goal no matter how long it may take. I read a book by Thich Nhat Hanh called Anger: Wisdom for Cooling the Flames and gained more insight into how to be compassionate to myself and with others. I did an intense workout that my body would not have been nearly strong enough to complete in the past.

If the version of myself I was in high school knew who she would be at this point only a handful of years down the road, I think she would be very excited. So I should be excited about the journey ahead of me and enjoy it. I’ve already accomplished so much for myself. I am definitely a better person than I used to be and that’s all that I can truly compare myself with.

I don’t know why it has always been so hard for me to be proud of myself or feel that I’ve been or done enough. Part of me is afraid that if I allow myself to enjoy my successes thus far, I’ll become lazy and stop progressing. But I think it’s important to acknowledge where you are now and be happy with it. I’m still working on figuring out how to do that. I’m happy that I’ve even been able to notice this behavior and be mindful of it. Even that is something I was never able to do in the past. I know that I’m on the right path. I just need to remind myself not to get too anxious about the distance ahead of me. Because regardless of the what the future holds, it will definitely be better if I practice loving and accepting myself now.

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