It is so strange to me how much I have been struggling lately. In 2016 I was feeling like a brand new person. I was finally getting my life together. My yoga practice was strong and was really helping me get through life beautifully. I was eating well, my anxiety wasn’t too overwhelming, and I felt confident and proud of my progress.
Somehow I seem to have done a back-flip down that mountain I managed to climb and now it’s hard to remember a time when I felt more mentally unhealthy. I have been more anxious than I’ve ever been in my life. It’s gotten to the point where it’s almost debilitating. I have so many negative thoughts about myself and my life swirling on an endless cycle through my head. It’s really exhausting to deal with every day.
The healthy habits that I used to be proud of seem to have just become something I need to check off of a list each day. I go through them mindlessly and they don’t help me at all anymore that way. I have become trapped by my own routine and self-imposed schedule. The other day the thought struck me that I actually don’t have to do any of these things I do. I was surprised how strange it felt to realize something so obvious.
Of course that didn’t really change anything besides offering me a momentary sense of relief. I continue to do the things I’ve been making myself do for years now. The thought of skipping a day or doing things differently, even just in a different order, has become terrifying to me.
I know I need to address these problems I’m facing or they will only continue to get worse. But I have been too afraid to face them so far. I’ve been wanting to set up therapy for months now, but when I got the call back to set up my appointment, I was too afraid and anxious to follow through with it. I know I need help though. I’ve become too far gone to will myself out of this downward spiral.
I am truly afraid for myself for the first time since I was in high school. Even more so this time. The thought that calling and setting up therapy today may actually introduce me to someone that can help me find happiness again brought tears to my eyes. I’ve been running from myself for such a long time, just trying to avoid the fear and the pain inside of my mind. I forgot that I am capable of being happy again someday.
I want to try. I hope I can.