I deserve to be heard. I deserve to speak my truth. Maybe not today, but one day soon I plan to finally confront him about how he’s treated me. Up until now I have just remained silent and disappeared entirely. I felt like it would just be a waste of time and emotion on my part to say anything to someone who clearly doesn’t care about me at all.
But now that I’ve given myself some time to calm down and distance myself from the situation, I think I need to say something for myself, regardless of whether or not it means anything to him.
I want to make it clear that I wouldn’t have had a problem with us just being friends now. I hadn’t expected anything more from him for a very long time. Yet, knowing our history together and my blatantly obvious lingering feelings for him after all these years, he still chose to casually mislead me about our relationship to one another.
At first I felt stupid. I thought I had misunderstood everything and that it was entirely my fault. But looking back, I know that isn’t true. If he had only intended on us being close friends again, why did I have to come talk to him and his girlfriend in person and be told a big explanation of them being allowed to have romantic relationships with other people now?
Why the fuck did he kiss me and initiate physical stuff at all? I would have blamed myself for assuming physical closeness is the same as romantic feeling, but I’ve told him that for me, it does. And I’ve told him that I’m not interested in doing anything sexual with anyone that I’m not romantically involved with.
I told him that I didn’t want to have sex until we were in love again. He acted totally unfazed by that and even went so far as to agree and say that would make it better. He continued later on to insinuate that we would have sex one day.
I don’t deserve to be treated this way. I haven’t done anything wrong. I’m tired of blaming myself for loving people that don’t have any intention of loving me in return. People that intend to use me and manipulate me with those misplaced feelings instead.
Being friends would have been fine, but after all of that it is clear that he isn’t my friend at all either. I am so angry and sad and confused and disappointed. I’m angry at him for doing this to me again and again. More so I’m angry with myself for always letting it happen. I’m sad that I’m so pathetic. I’m sad I’ve allowed myself to be hurt so deeply yet another time. I’m sad that even when I’m sure I must, I find out that I don’t matter at all to the people that matter to me. And I’m sad that I can never find the right words to say when I need them.
I’m sad that I don’t have anyone I feel comfortable telling all of this to, so I have to scream it into the void of the internet instead.