I have always had a hard time with allowing myself to be imperfect. Perhaps it is just another part of the black and white thinking. If something I do or something about me isn’t the best, it must be the worst. This mindset has held me back for the majority of my life.
I keep waiting around until everything is in perfect order before I will allow myself to be happy. I don’t know how to keep striving to be better and be content with where I am now at the same time.
I miss being a child and never considering why I wanted to do something or what the point was. Knowing I wanted to do it was a good enough reason. And that should always be a good enough reason. However, I’ve even lost track of what I want to do. I find myself going back and forth in my head, questioning my own desires. Somewhere along the way I have forgotten how to trust myself.
I want to be happy and enjoy my life just as it is, but there is this nagging fear that won’t let me. It tells me I’ll become complacent, that I’ll let myself slip into a bad place and won’t be able to get back out. Whether or not this is actually true I would have no idea, as I haven’t given myself the chance to find out.
I am concerned that I am training my brain to notice every little detail in life that is not ideal and then hounding myself with a mental hum that I need to fix it somehow. Some things are even quite possible for me to achieve, yet the idea that the end result won’t be permanent, or that once I begin I’ll get caught up in even smaller details, overwhelms me.
Instead of doing the best I can, I end up doing nothing at all because I just can’t bear to think about it anymore. This effects every area of my life, from keeping my house clean, to creative endeavors, to hobbies, even to this blog! I never intended to be “internet famous” or even wanted to be. I started this blog because I had things to share and I love to write. Shouldn’t that be enough? Yet up until recently, the imperfection of my blog layout, topics, not owning my domain name, etc. kept me from writing for months or even years at a time. It was never good enough. I marvel at the absurdity of my own actions, especially the fact that recognizing them to be absurd isn’t enough to overcome them.
I suppose I am making small steps in the right direction though. I have really been enjoying writing every day again. Even if it is just random nonsense that happens to be on my mind that I doubt anyone will find interesting to read. I have to keep reminding myself that it’s okay to just do something because you enjoy doing it. It doesn’t have to amount to anything. You don’t have to have a good reason for why you enjoy it.
I want to learn to trust myself again and tap back into that inner wisdom I have ignored for so long. I’ve been allowing myself to do the things I once loved to do as a kid. I’m hoping that’s a start. Part of me wonders if I even really enjoy doing those things anymore, because I get so anxious about them sometimes rather than excited. But I do still get excited when I let myself relax and find those brief moments of flow. I have been drawing anime (that I may share on here if anyone would be interested) and playing new versions of my old favorite video games. I want to start spending more time outside in nature with no technological devices to distract my senses. Just like it was when I was younger. I want to spend focused time with my animals, just playing with them and enjoying their company like I used to.
I know it seems ridiculous that these activities would be hard for anyone, but maybe some of you understand or can relate in your own way. I’m going to keep trying to tap into my intuition and make a point to honor my imperfect progress. This miraculous, complex, insane brain of mine will get better at whatever I am having it practice. I must remember this. I no longer want to focus on the negative, what needs fixing, what I have yet to accomplish. I want to focus on the good, what I’m grateful for, my successes, the small moments of simple happiness. It will be difficult at first, but I must have faith in myself and in the science and know it will only get easier.