I don’t know if I’ve just now started to recognize this about myself or if it has gotten much more severe recently. Basically from the moment I open my eyes in the morning until I go back to sleep at night, I am constantly rushing myself. Everything I do has to be done at a frantic pace for some reason. Even walking, getting dressed, and preparing food is done in a flurry of rapid movement.
It feels like an endless cycle of my anxiety making me rush and then my rushing making me feel more anxious. Sometimes I just have to smirk at the absurdity of my existence. It truly would be funny if it weren’t so damn distressing in the moment. When I can slow myself down enough to stop and consider things, I have no idea why I feel the need to do everything so urgently. There really isn’t anything pressing in my day to day life that I need to hurry and get done. I constantly have to try to remind myself that everything I have to do each day is actually just activities that I have chosen to do. And that there is no real issue if I decide I don’t want to that day or simply don’t have the time.
I saw a quote the other day that read:
I don’t think your life has to have a purpose, or a grand ambition; I think it’s okay to just wander through life finding interesting things until you die.
This gave me so much comfort. I have been trying to use this almost like a mantra lately. I am always putting so much pressure on myself because I have this bizarre notion of how my life is supposed to look and feel. I want to learn to let go of that rigid framework I’ve created and just allow my life to be and feel the way that it does. And to be content with that, whatever it may be from one moment to the next.
I’m always looking for a reason to enjoy myself. Or finding some way to fill in every second of every day. It is okay to just sit and breathe and feel at peace doing nothing, for no reason at all. I don’t have any grand destiny that I must live up to. If the only thing I manage to achieve in this life is personal enjoyment, that is more than enough.
I am so fortunate to have the chance to experience this amazing existence. Everything is exactly as it should be. The sun is shining, the world is buzzing with life, somewhere the ocean tides are lapping at the shore, and I get to be a witness to all this majesty. I have been given a chance to love and be loved, to feel and think and smile and laugh. That is enough. I am enough as I am in each moment. There is nowhere I have to go. Nothing I have to do. I am young and beautiful and free and healthy. What a beautiful world. What a beautiful life. I mustn’t forget to enjoy it. I mustn’t rush.