Listless & Lonely

It has been a really long time now since I’ve been in any type of serious or even casual romantic relationship. I am really concerned that there will never be another significant love interest in my life. I know I am still young, but my track record is terrible and seems to only be getting worse. There are very, very few people that interest me. And the ones that do never end up taking me seriously.

Despite my above average intelligence, I feel I am coming up short when it comes to emotional intelligence. I can never seem to comprehend other people well enough, or even decipher my own feelings. Others around my age seem to be so much better at expressing themselves and their desires. I feel emotionally stunted comparatively.

I have desperately wanted a partner to share my life with for as long as I can remember. It has always seemed like the ultimate goal of my life as silly as that may sound. I’ve never wanted anything more. Lately however even that desire has withered into a ghost of what it once was. All the passion in my soul seems dampened. Even when I find someone who intrigues me, I quickly lose interest as well as the drive necessary to truly get to know them.

I’m not sure what I can do to overcome this. For a long time, I was telling myself that this just meant they weren’t right for me. But at this point I really think it’s just me not giving anyone a chance. Is it depression creating this hurdle for me? I do feel rather unworthy of the love I so covet. However, that never stopped me from developing feelings for someone in the past. Maybe it is a side effect of my anti-anxiety medication. After all, it has nearly obliterated my sex-drive. Not that I mind given I’m always alone.

I just miss that excited feeling you get when you like someone. I miss the butterflies, the curiosity, the anticipation. I sometimes am still able to catch glimpses of those things, but they quickly fade away. Even the nice vegan guy I’ve been talking to the last few weeks has started to bore me. It’s not his fault, I can’t find the energy to get involved. Despite how badly I want to. And even if I am able to get past that and form a new relationship, am I really ready to show myself to someone? To share myself with someone? At this point the fear of that is coming close to outweighing the fear of being alone. I just don’t know where to go from here. I feel utterly directionless.

7 thoughts on “Listless & Lonely

  1. Hey! I just started following your blog and read back a few posts… Learn not to beat yourself up for not being perfect. Practice letting go! You have amazing direction in the practices you employ in living life. You don’t want to be your own worst enemy–forgive your imperfections. Perfection is never attainable. Let go and reward yourself for all the good you do. Letting go can become a lifelong practice. Once you gain that power, keep celebrating the changes you make…

    All the best,
    Dave

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Mae West said we should fall in love with ourselves. Robert Morley said that falling in love with yourself was the secret to happiness. I think that the stories we grow up with tell us we’ll be happy if we find someone, it’s what always happens at the end of the film or fairy tale, and then they live happily ever after. But I’ve found that you can find a lot more happiness by yourself once you stop looking for someone else, and just enjoy choosing to do what ever you like. Once you’ve found happiness by yourself, you might find that love finds you, or not, but you won’t mind either way, because you’re happy already, just the way you are. πŸ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I wholeheartedly agree. I think the culture we are raised in makes us afraid to be alone. We are trapped in a mindset that tells us we shouldn’t be alone and can never find true happiness that way. I know it’s not true, but it is still hard to overcome something so ingrained in society.

      Liked by 1 person

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