Listless & Lonely

It has been a really long time now since I’ve been in any type of serious or even casual romantic relationship. I am really concerned that there will never be another significant love interest in my life. I know I am still young, but my track record is terrible and seems to only be getting worse. There are very, very few people that interest me. And the ones that do never end up taking me seriously.

Despite my above average intelligence, I feel I am coming up short when it comes to emotional intelligence. I can never seem to comprehend other people well enough, or even decipher my own feelings. Others around my age seem to be so much better at expressing themselves and their desires. I feel emotionally stunted comparatively.

I have desperately wanted a partner to share my life with for as long as I can remember. It has always seemed like the ultimate goal of my life as silly as that may sound. I’ve never wanted anything more. Lately however even that desire has withered into a ghost of what it once was. All the passion in my soul seems dampened. Even when I find someone who intrigues me, I quickly lose interest as well as the drive necessary to truly get to know them.

I’m not sure what I can do to overcome this. For a long time, I was telling myself that this just meant they weren’t right for me. But at this point I really think it’s just me not giving anyone a chance. Is it depression creating this hurdle for me? I do feel rather unworthy of the love I so covet. However, that never stopped me from developing feelings for someone in the past. Maybe it is a side effect of my anti-anxiety medication. After all, it has nearly obliterated my sex-drive. Not that I mind given I’m always alone.

I just miss that excited feeling you get when you like someone. I miss the butterflies, the curiosity, the anticipation. I sometimes am still able to catch glimpses of those things, but they quickly fade away. Even the nice vegan guy I’ve been talking to the last few weeks has started to bore me. It’s not his fault, I can’t find the energy to get involved. Despite how badly I want to. And even if I am able to get past that and form a new relationship, am I really ready to show myself to someone? To share myself with someone? At this point the fear of that is coming close to outweighing the fear of being alone. I just don’t know where to go from here. I feel utterly directionless.