Little Changes

When I was younger and still living in my parents’ house, I had a strange little thing I would do to try to shake myself out of a funk. If I noticed I had been in a bad mood for a few days or even weeks, I would start sleeping with my head at the opposite end of the bed. I have no idea when I first decided to do this or why, but it always seemed to work. It made me feel better.

I don’t know if that was just because I had it in my head that it would work, or if perhaps a small change like that just helped me to be more present and shift my perspective. Whatever the reason, I want to start doing something similar to help me break free of whatever has been holding me down lately.

I’ve thought about redecorating my downstairs living room and spending more time in there as opposed to the room upstairs. It seems laughable to actually type this out, but the idea of that gives me a lot of anxiety. Then again there aren’t many things that don’t make me feel anxious these days. That’s why it is just easier to keep mindlessly following the ingrained patterns I’ve already made for myself.

I know that isn’t really living though. I constantly hear a small fearful voice in the back of my head telling me I am wasting this incredible chance to live. I know that every time I avoid doing something because of anxiety, that only strengthens the urge to do so next time as well. In order to show myself that I have nothing to fear, I need to be brave and just do it anyway.

Today when I do my daily drawing, I am going to sit downstairs. It is shocking even to me that such a thing would be even mildly difficult. And that’s the reason I need to force myself to do it. To show myself the absurdity of my anxiety.

I know I can do this. I can start making those little changes that seem odd and insignificant. Just little shifts to allow me to see things with fresh eyes. It will be just like when I was a child, warm and safe, with my head at the foot of my bed, sound asleep.

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