Escape

For some reason I have been feeling extra anxious today. It may have something to do with the fact that today is going to be slightly different than my normal, copy and paste days. I have been looking forward to today, but now that it has arrived I feel frazzled. All I want is to go home and go back to sleep.

I’ve noticed that whenever I have one of these particularly anxiety filled days that my mind races endlessly over possible ways to escape. Are there substances I could use to distract myself? Is there anyway I can go to sleep? Should I just make up an excuse to go home? Is there something I can think about that will take my mind elsewhere? As I inevitably realize none of my options will satisfy me, I get more and more distressed. My insides wind more and more tightly.

I know the real answer is breathing, sitting with these feelings, accepting where I am right now. But this seems impossible. I resist this solution vehemently. There has to be some way to get away. Even though I know there’s not. I feel trapped. I feel helpless. I feel disgusted with myself. Why do I feel this way? Why can’t I escape? Why is it so hard to let go, to surrender?

None of the brilliant coping mechanisms I have at my disposal seem adequate on days like today. I detest this obstinate headspace. I hate that I am always wishing my life away. Trying to kill time. Waiting for things to be different. Waiting for some imagined sweet spot of happiness that never comes.

I want to be happy. I want to be held. I want to sleep. I want to escape.

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