Control

It’s strange for me to acknowledge the dichotomy between my public life and my personal life. When it comes to school or work or anything else out in the world, I’m the first to tell you, I have no lust for power or being in charge. I would much rather remain a passive observer than the person running the show.

However many of my mental health problems seem to be rooted in a desire to have control. Over myself, over my life. While I have never desired to have influence over others, I have spent my whole life bullying myself into submission.

I have no idea why though. Why on earth do I care so much? What am I afraid of if I “lose control” of myself? Ironically, as most people in my position find, the very behaviors implemented to gain control are the very things that cause us to lose it. We are no longer in control. The behaviors are.

I keep telling myself that I am going to make all these changes in the new year. But to be honest, I get more and more afraid as it gets closer. I keep waiting to feel ready. To feel strong. I’m not sure that day will ever come though. I need to accept that most things worth doing are scary. Are difficult. It is okay to be scared. I can be scared and do it anyway.

And I want to remind myself that it isn’t about control this time. It’s about love. I don’t want to strongarm myself into changing. Changing only for fear of the guilt I’ll rain down upon myself if I don’t. I want to change because I love myself. Because it’s what is best for me.

When January comes, I want to step forward into the new year with the security of self-love supporting me. Whether I succeed or fail. Knowing I will be there for myself. Knowing that the true success is caring for myself every day. Picking myself up again and again. As many times as it takes. Not giving up on myself like I have so many times in the past.

I want to learn to relinquish control. It is impossible to truly have anyway. It is only an illusion, a delusion. Whether we accept it or not, we are not in control. Our choice is merely to willingly let the current take us, or fight it till the bitter end. I’m so tired of fighting. I’m so tired of being afraid of where the water will take me. Because I will be taken either way. It is time I cultivate trust instead of control. I want to learn to trust in this universe. To trust in myself. And I’d rather spend my time floating than flailing.

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