Awful Inside

I don't feel like writing
when I must reach through this wretched heart
to find the feeling, the inspiration, I need
that's where you reside
smiling but cold, sitting and silent 
my small comforts that once seemed so many
have now taken flight like so many birds
leaving me gasping, grasping in this vacuum
there is no escape from myself
even your eyes hold my reflection
mirroring back the worst parts of me
how many times I have repeated this cycle
this swirling sickness, to love and be loved
one must be truly seen, to be truly loved
all that's come before has fallen short
I have no idea what you see
when you look at me
your gaze makes my soul squirm
it goes right through me
these ineffable things cannot be asked for
they cannot be learned or bought
my mind struggles to understand
what my spirit urns for and requires
so very few have soothed that nagging itch
have filled that crooked niche inside me
I'm so tired of searching, of finding
of faltering, and failing, and aching
there is no escape from myself
but that weight can be shared
if only it can be seen
that truth brings little relief
in a world where so many are without sight

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