Past Selves

People always say you should be
someone your past self would be proud of
I see the dark eyes of the girl I used to be
and wonder what she would think of me

I have to smile because she would not be proud
the person I am and aspire to fully embody
will never be someone the teenage me admires
her fearful heart is too tight to hold space for this form

She would think that I'm weak and foolish
for giving up on all the things
she always thought we needed to be happy
and being happy anyway

She would cringe and moan about
my smiling open heart pouring over her
although she would still approve
of my all black attire

She would have never wanted
this simple contentment I've found
the surrender that saved me is her failure
another indomitable spirit crushed by time

And I hope this trend continues
that who I am today would not even
be able to grasp my future self
in her magnificent, frightening expansion

I want to look back in ten years
and know that I have let go of the illusions
I am still chasing after in my ignorance
in favor of something real and inconceivable

Then again maybe it was never
our teenage selves we were trying to impress
those moody, jaded, muddled versions of us
that were impossible to deal with

Each year I am peeling back layers
reconnecting with the blissful, grateful innocence
of the small child that had been slowly covered up
full of love and curiosity and wonder

Now she would be proud of me
I can feel the look of awe upon her face
as she looks up at me across the span of time
eyes lit up by a joyous smile

I think growing up is not linear
phases of gathering knowledge and growth
are paired with the careful work of returning
to the pure, effervescent essence we've always had

Advertisement