I don't know how to say hard things
without swallowing venom
it's more natural to pull away silently
than to try to solve my problems

Removing myself from my relationships
receding from myself inside substances
sitting behind layered walls of disassociation
until connection becomes a foreign concept

Stuck in the strange limbo of knowing
what I need to do and being too afraid to do it
sickening cycle of second guessing certainty
left paralyzed by life's pivotal moments

So much of my time has been spent waiting
for the pain of inertia to overpower
the pain of exerting my will in a decision
about the lesser of two evils

Hiding behind the bullet proof vest of helplessness
because at least then I can cling to the comfort
of feeling sorry for myself if I feel like
this suffering was not my own choice

How much longer can I spend cowering
behind a life I know is not right
for fear of an unknown, greater misery
if I move forward on the wrong path

I've always been too ready to lie down and die
instead of fighting for what I desperately dream about
but have never truly felt
that I deserve

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