By the time evening came around yesterday, I was utterly exhausted. Every day this month, I have been tackling a cleaning task around my house, systematically going through and deep cleaning/organizing every single room. And I’ve been making good progress. Yesterday I decided to finally clean out my fridge. Not just sort through and rearrange things, but actually clear it out entirely, wash all the shelves, the inside, and the outside. It ended up taking much longer than I thought it would, and by the time I was finished I was wiped out and ready to relax.
However, I am never able to relax. While my fridge does look immaculate now, giving me great pleasure every time I glance inside, I still don’t feel accomplished. There is an ever-present twinge of disappointment and anxiety at the end of the day. When I try to figure out why I am feeling that way, any rational explanation eludes me. The feeling is like those blurry little squiggles at the edge of your vision. When you try to look directly at them, they immediately move just out of sight.
I feel compelled to list everything I did yesterday, just to prove to myself it was a lot:
- Write a blog post
- Study Spanish
- Read
- Gratitude Journal
- Yoga
- Meditation
- 60min. Cardio Workout
- Draw
- Reports for work
- Wrap Christmas gift
- Deep clean fridge
That seems like a lot right? Somehow even after listing it all, I still feel unsure. I still don’t feel like I’ve accomplished anything at all. I feel like I could have done more, should have done more. But I feel like anyone else would be highly impressed. I do these things or the equivalent each and every day. I never give myself a day off. I never feel I deserve one.
One of the many things I’d like to start implementing in the coming year is setting aside some time each day or week to mindfully reward myself for all of my hard work. Even just scheduling an hour on a Friday to focus on myself and what I really would enjoy. Maybe I could take a relaxing bath with a book and some wine. Maybe I could give myself a few hours to just play video games in bed. I could buy myself something nice that I’ve been wanting. Just normal every day things that generally make me feel guilty on the rare occasions when I do them. I want to practice giving myself more credit for all that I accomplish every day. So that I may actually start to feel accomplished for once.
I’m pretty good at delaying gratification, my problem is actually giving myself the gratification at all. I think “oh, I’ll just put it off a little longer” or “I’ll do a few more things first.” I’ve finally realized that the reward at the end never comes. I continue to push it farther into the future. Well, not any longer. It is time for me to finally give myself the rewards I so richly deserve. I want 2021 to be a year of self-reflection, rest, and self-love. It’s time.
Protect the Innocent 