Diagnosis

Do I want a diagnosis?
I still can't decide
would it be soothing
to have a name
for my shortcomings?

Part of me would be relieved
to know I'm not just a failure
that my inner struggles are
more than just imaginary
that they have medical substance

It might be a comfort to know
my distraction and distress
my lack of tolerance for 
frustration in any form
are not merely personal faults

But what if a definitive label
would be something I would use
as an excuse to clip my own wings
in yet another new way
a limit to my possible potential

It might reinforce my self-doubt
assure me that I'm inherently limited
in my creative and cognitive abilities
a dark stain on the one part of me
I've always felt proud of

The older I get, the less sure I am
that this brain is something superior
the intellect of the collective world moves forward
as it gets tangled inside it's own inner alleyways
unable to keep pace with progress

If I'm not the smartest person in the room
I'm not sure who I am at all
left doubting the one thing that
made me feel safe in myself
unable to trust even that
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Sizzling

A mind too scattered
to stay connected
thoughts that vibrate
like hummingbird wings
creating a blur that
obscures all focus
attention divided between
two thousand threads
spreading thin spiderwebs
over my consciousness
catching dewdrops
that glisten and reflect
a mind full of mirrors
creating intricate illusions
impossible to untangle
and examine up close
awareness as a run-on sentence
pondering without punctuation
perpetual engine of possibilities
leaving my heart pounding
an old TV set with only two options
solid black screen or sizzling static

Adderall

I think most people my age have had some experience with Adderall. I knew a lot of people in college that would take it to help them study for exams. I was never interested in that though. I didn’t even study for exams. I would just glance at my notes the night before and then ace the test easily the next day. I was always lucky that way when it came to school.

I have tried Adderall a handful of times however. It is truly a miraculous drug. I always explain it to people like this: Adderall makes me the person that I’ve always wished I could be. I feel engaged, excited, and energized about whatever I choose to set my mind to. I don’t get distracted by my anxious thoughts, hunger, or boredom. Plus my overall mood is elevated. It is almost like a chemically induced state of flow. Where you lose track of time because you are so engrossed in enjoying what you’re doing.

I have often contemplated trying to get myself a prescription. But I’m always too afraid of the embarrassment of looking like a drug addict if I were to be refused. Which is quite likely. Then again, that’s probably for the best as I don’t need to become dependent on another substance.

I’ve been lucky enough be be given a pill or two every now and then from generous friends. This exact thing happened yesterday in fact. Now I am trying to strategically plan my day off today so I am able to use it to get as much accomplished as possible. It would be so nice if I could somehow have maybe one or two a week so I could use them to overcome my anxiety long enough to do all the things I want to get done. It always puts me in such an amazing head space. It is a shame how infrequent I am able to enjoy that.