Imperfection paralyses all endeavors the subtle ache of not enough clipped wing of creativity The hovering eye of criticism haunts each heavy pen mark lips pucker with impatience Who am I to exert my existence in the form of further manifestation polluting the world with more mediocrity Embarrassed at the thought of presuming myself to be a great artist through blundering attempts at self-expression When really I'm just letting out slow exhales of tangled thoughts in an attempt to postpone an implosion
Anxiety and overthinking go hand in hand. It’s a chicken and the egg scenario. Does the anxiety cause the overthinking or does the overthinking cause anxiety? Hard to tell. In the end, I’m not sure if it even matters which comes first. The result is the same, discomfort, distress, and inability to make decisions. The prefrontal cortex shuts down in that all consuming sympathetic nervous system reaction triggered by the amygdala, or the emotional center of our primitive little lizard brain.
Over the years, anxiety has a way of building. The pathways between stimulus and response get more and more defined. My anxiety used to be directly related to specific instances. I would get anxious in social situations. Soon that anxiety would begin to bubble up at just the thought of being in said situations. Now it’s transformed into more of a vague fear of the anxiety itself and trying to avoid all situations in which I may start to feel anxious. I’ve reached third level anxiety, fear of the fear of the fear. This stage is practically paralyzing. It can cause you to avoid your life completely just in an effort to avoid anxiety. It can manifest in a covert way, such as the inability to make decisions.
I have to admit it is humorous to realize I’ve always tried to “fix” my anxiety by somehow thinking myself into a sense of ease. But it’s pretty hard to use logic and reason to defuse a completely illogical physical reaction. It’s counterproductive to try to think your way out of overthinking. But what else can you do?
Learning to Cope
One of the reasons I have my doubts about Cognitive Behavioral Therapy’s effectiveness when it comes to my mental health specifically and anxiety disorders in general is the focus on the thinking mind. CBT’s primary method is changing the way you think in order to change your behavior. But you can’t solve the problem of too much thinking with more thinking. A lesser known therapy called Dialectical Behavioral Therapy or DBT feels like a better fit. Rather than teach you how to reframe your thinking, this therapy helps you cope with and understand your emotions so that you can feel safe and accept yourself.
Even though in the moment anxiety feels like it’s demanding action or some solution, I’ve learned by now that there really isn’t anything I can do or think that can dispel my anxiety completely. The frantic effort to avoid it only causes more mental suffering. The only real way I can learn to handle this fear is to let myself feel it. More than any catastrophic imagined outcome, I’ve become afraid of the physical sensations themselves. I’m anxious about feeling anxious. However, that quickly dissipates when I face those feelings rather than try to run from them.
How to Face the Feelings
Coincidentally, I’ve found the advice from my previous post about how to help yourself focus and be mindful in a calm, neutral setting works just as well when you’re lying in bed on the edge of a panic attack. This time rather than being unable to focus because of the vague sense of disinterest or boredom at the everyday objects around me, it’s the exact opposite. It’s hard to focus because everything just seems so overwhelming that I don’t know where to begin. But nevertheless, imagining I have to describe what is happening in that moment as if I’m writing a story is tremendously helpful.
The next time you find yourself feeling anxious, overthinking, or distressed by indecision, take a moment to step out of the thinking mind all together. Accept that the solution you’re desperately trying to find with your mind is not in the mind at all. The solution is surrender. It’s accepting that sometimes there is no solution but to sit with the sensations. Try to describe the feelings of anxiety swirling around in your body to someone who has no idea what anxiety even is. Be as detailed and creative as possible. Get curious. What is anxiety? Where does it manifest in the body? What does it physically feel like? How long can it last? Does it ebb and flow? Does it get stuck in your chest, in your throat?
Avoid concentrating on what it is that’s making you anxious. That is irrelevant once you’ve determined that it is irrational. Let it go. Show yourself that you are capable of feeling these difficult feelings. Even if they don’t go away. That’s not the intention. It’s learning that you can handle them. When I slow down and breathe into my anxious feelings, I often realize that the feelings themselves are no where near as bad as my struggle to avoid them. I can befriend these sensations by simply allowing them to exist.
I know all this is easier said than done. It’s hard to do anything with intention and mindfulness when your brain and body are on red alert. However, knowing that this is an option available to you is the first step towards practicing it. You won’t be able to every single time, but the more you notice the opportunity to sit with your difficult feelings instead of trying to fight them, the easier it will become. Give yourself the time and the space and the permission to experience even unpleasant situations with patience, curiosity, and equanimity.
Mental illness is a side-effect of great intelligence the convoluted, crippling creativity of an aimless mind consumed by endless possibilities others cannot conceive a life held suspended in anticipatory anxiety A feedback loop that becomes incapacitating a simple fear can become compounded tenfold fearing the fear, fearing the fear of the fear, and so forth spiraling into a paralysis of infinite indecision Stuck in the self-deception of finding a solution trying to think your way out of overthinking is absurd salvation lies in the surrender to sensation instead forsaking the mental landscape for the physical body What does this fear feel like? Where is it held inside? a jittering energy of dis-ease beneath my chest the dizziness that sets in from a blood pressure spike an unsettling static nestled deep in my stomach The fever of neurosis is broken by awareness how strange it seems to have survived the sensation I've been running from all of my life the cure of quiet curiosity Being present in the storm as it passes acknowledging the connection between frightening delusions and flowering imagination the balance between benefit and burden Learning to embrace the full scope of being this incredible entity with boundless potential finally finding gratitude within the fear I carry my best qualities sprout from that same seed
You can't think your way out of overthinking things just trust and let go
At some point alcohol became the weighted blanket for my mind something solid to make me feel secure a heavy shroud to hold me down in the present moment Over ten years of diligent practice I've become a master of self-medication caffeine, cannabis, kratom, and liquid courage a witch's brew of corrosive ingredients to subdue my writhing soul Quick fixes never work for long so many mornings left picking up the pieces of poorly planned promises to myself smoothing over the soft doubt deep down that this really will be the last time Sometimes it is strange to see others experience true joy without chemical assistance I wonder if my synapses are too damaged to do that now Imagining a life without my caterpillar quantity of crutches seems just as alluring as it does absurd Still nothing could be worse than this ritual self-denial this refusal to allow myself to exist as I am accepting that I am unable to overcome my small fears by burying them stealthily beneath bottles of booze next time I'll try harder to be brave
Anxiety is living life in the periphery a mind afraid to focus on direct experience like eyes left straining into the blurry images produced from the outer angles of sight Endlessly missing the opportunity to see what's right in front of me distracted by the desperation to see it all before making my next move Walking blindly into the future while believing there is some safety in focusing all attention on the sidelines absorbed by unclear, obscured visions Mastering the practice of mindfulness the ever evolving effort to stare straight ahead being present with what's before me rather than apparitions hovering just out of view Keep walking faithfully forward syncing each breath with firm steps resting in the reality of perpetual uncertainty softly savoring all the surprises of life Allowing myself to become engrossed in the ever unfolding mirage of right now releasing all tight tendrils of assumed control to be submerged in this moment
Sometimes I miss the days when hating yourself was cool now that I was good at cigarettes and self harm underaged drinking and drugs from disreputable sources not caring about my future was a free fall into darkness but at least it felt free self-hatred had a shadow of pity and compassion I could wrap around myself at the very end of the day a full-bodied surrender to unshakable sadness Shifting perceptions of self care can start to feel like a curse when you can never live up to your own expectations shame and self-doubt stack up the irony of forced kindness metallic aftertaste of unworthy a constant struggle with the authoritarian arbiter of my own inner voice will it ever get easier to give myself grace now my shadow is self-criticism for being utterly unable to practice what I preach
Lead weight of lethargy limbs made heavy by slow flowing blood cursed with a natural inclination to bow before gravity's siren song taking small sips of poison potions in search of a lightening elixir squinting eyes gaze at the sun soft prayer for this feather soul to grow glorious wings Sloppy frustration of trying to swim through water with baggy clothes saturated by the dense atmosphere of all the things that can never be known while holding the boulder of what is Energy wasted and unseen between tangled networks of misfiring neurons thoughts running thick like black ink spilling over and staining everything filled up with empty fear Invisible burden of a world on fire venom coughs from soggy lungs silent sickness of a sinking mind staring blankly upwards from beneath the dark rhythm of the sea
I can feel myself getting frustrated again. Picking at all of my perceived imperfections. Comparing myself to everyone I see, and feeling like I come up short. This cycle has become so familiar, but it doesn’t get any easier with repetition. One week I’ll feel good, motivated, like I’m making progress. Then the next I’ll feel utterly desperate about the futility of all the work I do for personal growth and self improvement. It’s particularly pronounced when it comes to my life-long struggle with body image.
Despite my best efforts to avoid the triggering, toxic images I used to purposely flood myself with online, somehow they’ve started creeping back in again. Perfect little vegan fitness models and casual yogis. It’s bad enough that they have bodies I could only dream of, but it stings in an especially painful way when I see just how much MORE work I put in for so much less satisfying and aesthetically pleasing results. I know I have a distorted view of my appearance to some extent. And I don’t think I look bad. But after years of diligent, intense, advanced exercise routines, I expected to actually look like someone who prioritizes fitness in their life. Not just someone who works out for 20 minutes once or twice a week.
Even when I’ve felt for years like I couldn’t possibly do any more exercise in a day, I’ve slowly added on more and more things. It never makes any significant or noticeable change though! All it does is make me feel obligated to continue at this more draining routine for fear I’ll somehow gain weight if I stop, even though I didn’t lose any when I started. I’ve recognized for a long time now that this is an extremely unhealthy mindset that impacts my self-esteem, my physical health, and my social life. Still I feel helpless to change it. My fear of looking worse than I do now is all-consuming. I feel resigned to this unsustainable, ever increasing physical workload that will never do anything for me besides keep me where I already am. A place that does not even bring me satisfaction or happiness. It’s no longer about progress, it’s about avoiding an even more pronounced level of self-hatred and disgust.
One thing I have been trying to convince myself of, is the importance of slowing things down/lessening my reps and speed in order to focus on truly good, mindful form and activating the right muscles when I’m moving. Logically I do believe this would be more beneficial. But that disordered, self-hating, fearful side of my brain panics at the thought. But what if I slow down and gain weight? What if I can’t pick it back up again? What if I do go back to what I’m doing now, but am stuck with whatever weight I may put on forever?! It’s these unhealthy thoughts that keep me from changing anything despite my dissatisfaction with my results or lack-there-of.
In the last ten or more years, I’ve never allowed myself a proper “rest” day from exercise. There have only been a handful of days I haven’t worked out, but even those days are not true rest because I workout extra the days before and after to “make up for it.” My ego takes some form of pride in this fact, while also cursing all the people I see taking regular rest days multiple times a week and looking 50x better than I ever have. I’ve just been believing that there is something wrong with me. Their bodies just work better than mine does somehow. Surely if I took rest days, I’d have made even less progress.
I’m beginning to finally open myself up to the possibility that isn’t the case. I was already toying with the concept of rest being valuable and important so that my muscles actually get a chance to heal and build themselves up stronger. I don’t really notice myself gaining muscle mass or strength with the way I’m doing things now. I basically stay where I am. In addition to that, I’ve been reading a lot about the effects of cortisol and weight gain.
I assume I have ridiculously high levels of cortisol in my body at all times, just based on my stress level. What I didn’t realize is that this may not be solely due to my anxiety disorder. Exercise naturally raises cortisol levels, which isn’t a problem in moderation and can even be beneficial. However, excessive exercise can lead to unhealthy levels of cortisol. I don’t think it’s up for debate whether the amount of exercise I’ve been subjecting myself to for the past ten years is “excessive” or not. Have I been shooting myself in the foot this entire time?
It seems too good to be true to imagine that I could do less and have the same or an even better body. My self-flagellating mind simply cannot accept that possibility. Then again, working harder hasn’t seemed to work out at all the way I thought it would. Maybe I really am doing myself a disservice by pushing myself so much. What if I was able to do less, better quality exercise, enjoy my workouts again, have more free-time, feel less tired and stressed, AND look/feel better in my body? It’s so difficult for me to contemplate, let alone begin to test.
I know if I really want things to change in my life and in my body, I’ve got to actually start doing things differently. One of the big road blocks in my way is the fact that to truly know if the changes I implement are working, I need to see where I am right now and monitor that moving forward. It’s so unbearable for me to weigh myself or, god forbid, take photos or measurements. *shudder* But I’m afraid if I don’t, I’ll be too afraid to change anything because I might gain weight without realizing it. Dear god, I need a therapist so badly. Unfortunately I live in the greatest country on earth and that isn’t a feasible option for someone working full-time in the MENTAL HEALTH INDUSTRY!
My sheer ability to ramble on for so long about this topic is evidence that there is a problem. I want to follow that little spark of excitement and curiosity that tells me to switch things up. I know it’s worth it. I know it would be good for me mentally at the very least. I wrote something that struck me as profound last night while I was journaling: Fear is a powerful motivator. I am just afraid of the wrong things.
Turning around to find yourself facing the yawning, gaping mouth of the future a black hole of unknowns grabbing at you with tiny black, star-speckled hands The weight of it's gravity pulls you to your knees wide-eyed stare of uncertainty, unable to look away limitless vacuum that no light can escape not knowing, the torrent of fear in perpetual motion The mind's desperate grasp for something to hold onto feet slipping forward into far-away, formless infinities the tension of muscles trying to cling to past and present an ill fated battle against all powerful time So afraid to surrender to the inevitable destination distracted by the scent of suffering in smaller doses marveling at the mind's ability to imagine countless possibilities exhausting itself to find safety in contingencies for each one The hopeful illusion of life as a game of chess pretending there are a set of correct moves to make that will spare you from all pain and regret the pressure to perform perfectly enough to find peace