Still Afraid

How am I supposed to keep myself
from looking at all the dark spots
in the outermost corners of everything?

How can I allow myself to ignore
the shadowy figures that linger and loom
behind every open door?

It's just a few sinister places
the fuzzy edges of uncertain horrors
that manage to grip me entirely

Even while the spring expands and sprinkles pollen
I can't help but continue checking every stone
and fixing my eyes on the horizon that frightens me

I want to shift my focus so I can enjoy
the beauty and pleasure placed before me
but I feel compelled to protect myself

It feels unsafe to focus on all this goodness
my spine still shivers, all hairs stand on end
and I cower beneath the ever present specter of pain

Inclined to Suffer

There is a slope inside us all
that determines every disposition
it's not a scale that can be tipped
but the fixed incline of a hillside

Some steep leeward cliff face, continuously
crumbling as it creates long shadows
the wind and sun can't reach this side
a mountain cannot choose to shift

Like Sisyphus we walk uphill
the futile effort that must be made
the only rest is rolling back down
into the dust to start again 

Unseen Effort

All of this effort just keeps me breathing
when it takes all your strength just to stand up
it's frustrating to be told to move forward

It so hard to explain why I'm struggling
when I have so much to celebrate
I'm just unwell, I'm just so tired

I want to lie down, it's good to rest but
I'm so afraid I won't be able to get up again
when my body stops, my mind gets more brutal

I've tried so many remedies to cure this aching
each just leaves me feeling a little more defeated
a little farther away from any hope I may have held onto

I know it's not right for me to keep complaining
do you think this is how I want to be?
I'm writhing to be something better than me

Or even to be nothing would be a relief

No Rest Tonight

The moon is heavy as it hangs
in a the thin spiderweb strands
of dark atmosphere

Its light is pressure on the water
that gives the ocean life
thick and rhythmic romance

A fox navigates the river reeds
she is silent and far from everyone
when she finally bows down to drink

Obsidian night twitching with transparent wings
tired eyes blinded by black magic dreams
protected by the barn owl's quiet vigil

The longest hours of the day
the world holding its breath just before dawn
reluctant to accept another rising

There is no rest in this piercing pause
the dreadful, dripping hope of heartbeats
in trembling preparation to do it all again

Fear Never Ends

Everything ends
and I am so afraid
of the empty space
between love and loss

Everything ends
and it never gets easier
fear of change only grows
I hoped it'd shrink with age

Everything ends
and I never learned to cope
with the possibility of regret
with decisions you can't take back

Everything ends
and I'm paralyzed by thoughts
that nothing new and good
will find me again

It’s Too Much

It's all too much, I can't keep up
I don't understand how others cope
with the never ending avalanche
of ever increasing daily tasks

Feels like I've been gasping for air
since the beginning of autumn
how can I rest while treading water
I can't keep my head up any longer

Add on the guilt of ultimately knowing
that my life is so good compared to many
ashamed of being so terribly ungrateful
terrified of what will happen if it gets worse

I wish I could step outside of space and time
for just a second to scream and cry
release this nervous tension that is
always growing, eating me alive

Fuck Up

Caught in between the pros and cons
no choice has ever been clear-cut
the sudden gleam of fear and doubt
always catches my attention more easily
than the possible happiness I could obtain

There is no hope bright enough to blind my eyes
from the terror of mistakes, regrets, and "what ifs"
I'm too scared to reach, I stay in one place
worried I won't be able to forgive myself
if I fuck up again

I’m Not a Good Person

I'm not a good person
there, now I've said it first
as if this self-awareness will shield me
and your agreement won't feel worse

I'm not a good person
I hide behind my fear
as if anxiety absolves me
from hurting everyone I'm near

I'm not a good person
I've never claimed otherwise
as if an acknowledgement of poor character
somehow makes me look better in your eyes

I'm not a good person
there's nothing I can do
as if a weak constitution
can protect me from the truth

I'm not a good person
I wish someone else would help me
as if an external force of energy
could change the way I choose to be

I'm not a good person
and a really do apologize
as if feeling bad about my actions
eased the pain of all my lies

Waiting for Spring

Spring is coming, just hold on
I've been telling myself since October
It's hard to have faith the sun will heal
wounds that reopen every winter

Half a year spent holding my breath
how much happiness can be contained
in only three short months of light
most slips by as I'm fearing the next fall

Spring is coming, but I don't remember
what it is I've been waiting for all winter
just a phantom feeling of something better
Spring is coming, just hold on

Hiding Inside My Head

Hazy numbness behind emotion
a safe haven, a shelter of soft oblivion
black hole vacuum hovering beneath
unbearable feelings that have gotten too big

Sudden gravity of avoidance from aching
the humming temptation to escape from fear
a sound proof room deep inside the soul
where you won't hear the storm getting louder

But slipping below sensation cannot last forever
the small space between realities can't hold you indefinitely
this empty place to rest apart is only temporary
and all those unattended troubles have kept growing