How am I supposed to keep myself from looking at all the dark spots in the outermost corners of everything? How can I allow myself to ignore the shadowy figures that linger and loom behind every open door? It's just a few sinister places the fuzzy edges of uncertain horrors that manage to grip me entirely Even while the spring expands and sprinkles pollen I can't help but continue checking every stone and fixing my eyes on the horizon that frightens me I want to shift my focus so I can enjoy the beauty and pleasure placed before me but I feel compelled to protect myself It feels unsafe to focus on all this goodness my spine still shivers, all hairs stand on end and I cower beneath the ever present specter of pain
anxiety
Inclined to Suffer
There is a slope inside us all that determines every disposition it's not a scale that can be tipped but the fixed incline of a hillside Some steep leeward cliff face, continuously crumbling as it creates long shadows the wind and sun can't reach this side a mountain cannot choose to shift Like Sisyphus we walk uphill the futile effort that must be made the only rest is rolling back down into the dust to start again
Unseen Effort
All of this effort just keeps me breathing when it takes all your strength just to stand up it's frustrating to be told to move forward It so hard to explain why I'm struggling when I have so much to celebrate I'm just unwell, I'm just so tired I want to lie down, it's good to rest but I'm so afraid I won't be able to get up again when my body stops, my mind gets more brutal I've tried so many remedies to cure this aching each just leaves me feeling a little more defeated a little farther away from any hope I may have held onto I know it's not right for me to keep complaining do you think this is how I want to be? I'm writhing to be something better than me Or even to be nothing would be a relief
No Rest Tonight
The moon is heavy as it hangs in a the thin spiderweb strands of dark atmosphere Its light is pressure on the water that gives the ocean life thick and rhythmic romance A fox navigates the river reeds she is silent and far from everyone when she finally bows down to drink Obsidian night twitching with transparent wings tired eyes blinded by black magic dreams protected by the barn owl's quiet vigil The longest hours of the day the world holding its breath just before dawn reluctant to accept another rising There is no rest in this piercing pause the dreadful, dripping hope of heartbeats in trembling preparation to do it all again
Fear Never Ends
Everything ends and I am so afraid of the empty space between love and loss Everything ends and it never gets easier fear of change only grows I hoped it'd shrink with age Everything ends and I never learned to cope with the possibility of regret with decisions you can't take back Everything ends and I'm paralyzed by thoughts that nothing new and good will find me again
It’s Too Much
It's all too much, I can't keep up I don't understand how others cope with the never ending avalanche of ever increasing daily tasks Feels like I've been gasping for air since the beginning of autumn how can I rest while treading water I can't keep my head up any longer Add on the guilt of ultimately knowing that my life is so good compared to many ashamed of being so terribly ungrateful terrified of what will happen if it gets worse I wish I could step outside of space and time for just a second to scream and cry release this nervous tension that is always growing, eating me alive
Fuck Up
Caught in between the pros and cons no choice has ever been clear-cut the sudden gleam of fear and doubt always catches my attention more easily than the possible happiness I could obtain There is no hope bright enough to blind my eyes from the terror of mistakes, regrets, and "what ifs" I'm too scared to reach, I stay in one place worried I won't be able to forgive myself if I fuck up again
I’m Not a Good Person
I'm not a good person there, now I've said it first as if this self-awareness will shield me and your agreement won't feel worse I'm not a good person I hide behind my fear as if anxiety absolves me from hurting everyone I'm near I'm not a good person I've never claimed otherwise as if an acknowledgement of poor character somehow makes me look better in your eyes I'm not a good person there's nothing I can do as if a weak constitution can protect me from the truth I'm not a good person I wish someone else would help me as if an external force of energy could change the way I choose to be I'm not a good person and a really do apologize as if feeling bad about my actions eased the pain of all my lies
Waiting for Spring
Spring is coming, just hold on I've been telling myself since October It's hard to have faith the sun will heal wounds that reopen every winter Half a year spent holding my breath how much happiness can be contained in only three short months of light most slips by as I'm fearing the next fall Spring is coming, but I don't remember what it is I've been waiting for all winter just a phantom feeling of something better Spring is coming, just hold on
Hiding Inside My Head
Hazy numbness behind emotion a safe haven, a shelter of soft oblivion black hole vacuum hovering beneath unbearable feelings that have gotten too big Sudden gravity of avoidance from aching the humming temptation to escape from fear a sound proof room deep inside the soul where you won't hear the storm getting louder But slipping below sensation cannot last forever the small space between realities can't hold you indefinitely this empty place to rest apart is only temporary and all those unattended troubles have kept growing