Sometimes it takes simple things to help settle the restless soul despite the illusion only grand gestures could get us unstuck The stillness below the chaos is where true safety lies waiting while we keep covering ourselves with gleaming trinkets and lofty ambitions It seems silly to suppose a couple extra glasses of water could cleanse this nagging agitation simmering ceaselessly inside Impossible to imagine transformation taking shape from a few moments of mindful breathing in the evening while the mind is insisting we need more Soft bubbles of splendid space open up when we stop moving savoring the sensation of buoyancy when we finally stop swimming
anxiety
Mercy
I've never mastered the mercy of letting something die fear compels me to keep a cold corpse animated with artificial light Clinging to a casket ensures I won't ever come to learn what else life has to offer but I feel too unworthy to ask for anything more There is no energy left inside for seeking rising suns settling for a soft hand to hold as the darkness of night descends seems all I can manage Still that hot ember inside remains more and more often sparking into flame threatening to devour any illusion I may choose to cling to for small comfort whipped up by the wind of all that's ingenuine Searching for deeper answers beneath the one that keeps surfacing unable to decide my own suffering a life spent floating restlessly down-river when will the ocean finally come?
Everything At Once
Why do I only identify with the worst parts of me? there is nothing more inherent in my fear, exhaustion, or anger than in my energized, inspired, charisma My compassion and joy seem to me less real than my anxiety and cruelty for some strange reason I can't quite understand Why is it so much easier to internalize all of my mistakes than to take credit for the things I've accomplished throughout my life As if any success was an accident but all of my failures, a reflection of who I truly am deep down I'm tired of denying the aspects of myself that I can admire Is it so impossible to accept that I can be magnificent and flawed at the same time? my mysterious soul knows it can be everything at once
Unable to Move Forward
I have the disease of discontent frantic to change my external circumstances anxiously envisioning the imperative of upward mobility while simultaneously shrinking from the idea of change It's hard to remember that mindset is what matters while also understanding there are choices I can make how am I to determine if action is needed or if it's just an ego's sad attempt to avoid responsibility? Equally afraid of things being different as I am of things staying the same is there any true escape from this paralyzing paradox of self reflection? Should I focus my energies on being happy where I am or on grasping for new paths in life? what would be the best use of my time? or is it all about preference and perspective? There are so many questions I know only I can answer but I'm left spinning in circles inside my own uncertain mind I just want someone to take my hand and lead me confidently onward in any direction as of now I foresee myself simply starving to death at the impassible crossroads of doubt
Sizzling
A mind too scattered to stay connected thoughts that vibrate like hummingbird wings creating a blur that obscures all focus attention divided between two thousand threads spreading thin spiderwebs over my consciousness catching dewdrops that glisten and reflect a mind full of mirrors creating intricate illusions impossible to untangle and examine up close awareness as a run-on sentence pondering without punctuation perpetual engine of possibilities leaving my heart pounding an old TV set with only two options solid black screen or sizzling static
Stifling Myself
Imperfection paralyses all endeavors the subtle ache of not enough clipped wing of creativity The hovering eye of criticism haunts each heavy pen mark lips pucker with impatience Who am I to exert my existence in the form of further manifestation polluting the world with more mediocrity Embarrassed at the thought of presuming myself to be a great artist through blundering attempts at self-expression When really I'm just letting out slow exhales of tangled thoughts in an attempt to postpone an implosion

Third Level Anxiety: The Paradox of Overthinking
Anxiety and overthinking go hand in hand. It’s a chicken and the egg scenario. Does the anxiety cause the overthinking or does the overthinking cause anxiety? Hard to tell. In the end, I’m not sure if it even matters which comes first. The result is the same, discomfort, distress, and inability to make decisions. The prefrontal cortex shuts down in that all consuming sympathetic nervous system reaction triggered by the amygdala, or the emotional center of our primitive little lizard brain.
Over the years, anxiety has a way of building. The pathways between stimulus and response get more and more defined. My anxiety used to be directly related to specific instances. I would get anxious in social situations. Soon that anxiety would begin to bubble up at just the thought of being in said situations. Now it’s transformed into more of a vague fear of the anxiety itself and trying to avoid all situations in which I may start to feel anxious. I’ve reached third level anxiety, fear of the fear of the fear. This stage is practically paralyzing. It can cause you to avoid your life completely just in an effort to avoid anxiety. It can manifest in a covert way, such as the inability to make decisions.
I have to admit it is humorous to realize I’ve always tried to “fix” my anxiety by somehow thinking myself into a sense of ease. But it’s pretty hard to use logic and reason to defuse a completely illogical physical reaction. It’s counterproductive to try to think your way out of overthinking. But what else can you do?
Learning to Cope
One of the reasons I have my doubts about Cognitive Behavioral Therapy’s effectiveness when it comes to my mental health specifically and anxiety disorders in general is the focus on the thinking mind. CBT’s primary method is changing the way you think in order to change your behavior. But you can’t solve the problem of too much thinking with more thinking. A lesser known therapy called Dialectical Behavioral Therapy or DBT feels like a better fit. Rather than teach you how to reframe your thinking, this therapy helps you cope with and understand your emotions so that you can feel safe and accept yourself.
Even though in the moment anxiety feels like it’s demanding action or some solution, I’ve learned by now that there really isn’t anything I can do or think that can dispel my anxiety completely. The frantic effort to avoid it only causes more mental suffering. The only real way I can learn to handle this fear is to let myself feel it. More than any catastrophic imagined outcome, I’ve become afraid of the physical sensations themselves. I’m anxious about feeling anxious. However, that quickly dissipates when I face those feelings rather than try to run from them.
How to Face the Feelings
Coincidentally, I’ve found the advice from my previous post about how to help yourself focus and be mindful in a calm, neutral setting works just as well when you’re lying in bed on the edge of a panic attack. This time rather than being unable to focus because of the vague sense of disinterest or boredom at the everyday objects around me, it’s the exact opposite. It’s hard to focus because everything just seems so overwhelming that I don’t know where to begin. But nevertheless, imagining I have to describe what is happening in that moment as if I’m writing a story is tremendously helpful.
The next time you find yourself feeling anxious, overthinking, or distressed by indecision, take a moment to step out of the thinking mind all together. Accept that the solution you’re desperately trying to find with your mind is not in the mind at all. The solution is surrender. It’s accepting that sometimes there is no solution but to sit with the sensations. Try to describe the feelings of anxiety swirling around in your body to someone who has no idea what anxiety even is. Be as detailed and creative as possible. Get curious. What is anxiety? Where does it manifest in the body? What does it physically feel like? How long can it last? Does it ebb and flow? Does it get stuck in your chest, in your throat?
Avoid concentrating on what it is that’s making you anxious. That is irrelevant once you’ve determined that it is irrational. Let it go. Show yourself that you are capable of feeling these difficult feelings. Even if they don’t go away. That’s not the intention. It’s learning that you can handle them. When I slow down and breathe into my anxious feelings, I often realize that the feelings themselves are no where near as bad as my struggle to avoid them. I can befriend these sensations by simply allowing them to exist.
Conclusion
I know all this is easier said than done. It’s hard to do anything with intention and mindfulness when your brain and body are on red alert. However, knowing that this is an option available to you is the first step towards practicing it. You won’t be able to every single time, but the more you notice the opportunity to sit with your difficult feelings instead of trying to fight them, the easier it will become. Give yourself the time and the space and the permission to experience even unpleasant situations with patience, curiosity, and equanimity.
Overwhelmed by Imagination
Mental illness is a side-effect of great intelligence the convoluted, crippling creativity of an aimless mind consumed by endless possibilities others cannot conceive a life held suspended in anticipatory anxiety A feedback loop that becomes incapacitating a simple fear can become compounded tenfold fearing the fear, fearing the fear of the fear, and so forth spiraling into a paralysis of infinite indecision Stuck in the self-deception of finding a solution trying to think your way out of overthinking is absurd salvation lies in the surrender to sensation instead forsaking the mental landscape for the physical body What does this fear feel like? Where is it held inside? a jittering energy of dis-ease beneath my chest the dizziness that sets in from a blood pressure spike an unsettling static nestled deep in my stomach The fever of neurosis is broken by awareness how strange it seems to have survived the sensation I've been running from all of my life the cure of quiet curiosity Being present in the storm as it passes acknowledging the connection between frightening delusions and flowering imagination the balance between benefit and burden Learning to embrace the full scope of being this incredible entity with boundless potential finally finding gratitude within the fear I carry my best qualities sprout from that same seed
Overthinking
Quick Fix
At some point alcohol became the weighted blanket for my mind something solid to make me feel secure a heavy shroud to hold me down in the present moment Over ten years of diligent practice I've become a master of self-medication caffeine, cannabis, kratom, and liquid courage a witch's brew of corrosive ingredients to subdue my writhing soul Quick fixes never work for long so many mornings left picking up the pieces of poorly planned promises to myself smoothing over the soft doubt deep down that this really will be the last time Sometimes it is strange to see others experience true joy without chemical assistance I wonder if my synapses are too damaged to do that now Imagining a life without my caterpillar quantity of crutches seems just as alluring as it does absurd Still nothing could be worse than this ritual self-denial this refusal to allow myself to exist as I am accepting that I am unable to overcome my small fears by burying them stealthily beneath bottles of booze next time I'll try harder to be brave