Courage comes from craving deeply held desires inspire us to face the things we fear with nothing worth reaching for it's easy to remain stagnant a gazelle will risk standing side by side with a lion if its thirst becomes great enough dropping it's gaze from the patient predator is worth the chance to take a drink taking risks requires the promise of reward eliminating anxiety is not an option instead I must find something I want more than avoidance I haven't felt that hunger in such a long time life becomes exhausting when you're left trying to just hold the line
anxiety
Conflict
Conflict breeds closeness a concept I've never quite understood how can fighting foster connection? I've always favored a clean break Torn, tired muscles grow back stronger every time I suppose this is the principle I've never applied Emotions too big to express evaporate on my lips speaking out signals vulnerability it's safer to pretend I don't care Always held at arm's length trading isolation for immunity from all the messiness wound up with others Relationships aren't worth the risk this mantra once protected me always alright, but alone and uninspired sometimes it feels too late to change
Running
Stifling fear is a full-time job but the absence of anxiety is not happiness Avoiding the bad is missing the opportunity to overcome it overlooking the value of such satisfaction The demons that chase you are challenges to conquer so thank them for helping you grow Inviting everything in with grace and equanimity the remedy for running is simply to stop
Trapped
trapped inside a groundhog day of my own design rinse and repeat for the thousandth time why not fall back into bad habits when there is nothing better to do it's tedious and troublesome but the truth is far more terrifying it's always been easier to hide behind a mind set to autopilot than to confront the chaos and uncertainty that causes me so much fear at least this way the days fly by sticking to strict schedules provides the protective illusion of control assures there are no unexpected surprises but the unexpected, the unknown that's where spontaneous joy resides as well hidden behind a writhing wall of fear and hesitation I am what's holding me back
Where Do I Belong
They say that connection is an essential component of human happiness buried deep within our DNA we know we were not made to stand apart This obvious fact haunts me and hovers above my timid heart like a phobia of food and water what I fear is other people prickling skin and sweaty palms is this what happiness feels like? What a cruel, ridiculous irony to be afraid of what you need encountering so much pain alongside the brief pleasure of each pathetic attempt to belong self defeating, sinful nature I feel mostly bitterness towards my own kind I've forsaken them long ago to find refuge somewhere else I've learned to quench my thirst for connection among the dirt and dust of forest floors saying hello to passing birds the innocent caresses of angelic animals that offer me far more love than I could ever hope to have from humanity I was never proud to be a person like every one else seems to be I'd much rather place myself with those I trust and admire resting in the peace and simplicity of my true brethren in nature
A Higher Hunger
Anxiety is the price of intellect when there is nothing to occupy the mind it will follow it's own fancies namely, naming everything that could potentially pose a threat Genius is a gnawing hunger that left unfed, lends itself to a buffet of fear starved of stimulation it will learn to feed on insecurity Yet a fire that is fed only grows larger always asking for more no longer sustained on yesterday's small rations A tired mind, an engaged mind is peaceful and satisfied a brilliant brain left to wander will always find new worries and run itself ragged on rumination Great potential is balanced by the possibility of great peril a fast metabolism requires extra fuel likewise an exceptional mind needs it's own nourishment of new knowledge
Fear Moves Forward
that flutter in my chest never seems to settle eyes fixed on the future never find rest there is always something else looming just over the horizon a new fear always forms to take its place perching itself on my racing heart safety and peace permanently out of reach forever pushed back anxiety is a moving target that always promises you "just one more bull's eye and I'll be gone" no matter how many times I fall for this lie I'll believe it again tomorrow because it's so tempting to think that this will go away that if I can adjust my life just right I'll be able to rest
Unsafe
For years I've been afraid of everything I want I'm afraid to lose this sense of longing I've set a place for at my table I'm afraid it will leave me and I'm afraid that it won't When I face that inner voice of mine that's all it seems to say: I'm afraid I'm afraid I'm afraid this mantra skips and repeats etches and engraves deep marks in me flutters nervously behind my eyelids where can I go when I'm afraid of every outcome it's hard to move forward on shaking, unsteady limbs I've exhausted every effort to soothe the voice that says "unsafe" I've built up walls and barricades I've torn them down to demonstrate that I can be brave but still the deep seed of fear remains it cracks through the concrete I lay it crawls ever upward through my veins searching for the sun
Don’t Look at the Wall
I recently read that one of the most important tips given to new race car drivers is, “whatever you do, don’t look at the wall.” When I heard this, it immediately reminded me of one of my very first practice driving sessions with my mom when I was a teenager. As I was driving 25mph down a street in my dinky little home town, my sister yells out from the back seat for us to look at a house to our right. Without thinking, I turn my head to look. In just that one split second, turning my attention away from the road and just to the side, I had swerved the car and nearly driven up onto the sidewalk. Whether you realize it or not, where you place your focus is the direction you are heading.
We say something similar when teaching arm balances in yoga. In teacher training when we practiced cues for bakasana (crow pose) we were told to always make sure to emphasize the importance of our gaze. If you look straight down between your hands as you try to lower your body’s weight forward onto the backs of the arms, you’re inevitably going to tumble forward and possibly hit your head on the floor. The trick is to look a few inches ahead of you. Looking forward, but not down. Our gaze is a reflection of our focus and intention and a reminder of how important these things are.
I think these physical examples are an excellent demonstration of how this same principle applies in more abstract matters. If you look at the wall, you’ll hit the wall. If you look at the floor below you, that’s where you’re going. If you focus on the potential problems or possible ways you might fail, that is where you’re going to find yourself in the future. It seems so obvious when I think about it in this context.
My anxiety is always directing me to the worse possible outcome. It would be great if I were able to print out a pie graph of my mental energy expenditure from day to day. I’d be willing to bet that 90% of my thoughts are about what I’m afraid of or what could go wrong. Even when things usually go pretty well for me, I always immediately find the next fear to latch onto as soon as one disappears. Somehow my brain convinces itself that it is doing this to keep me safe. And to a certain extent, it is smart to contemplate obstacles that may come up and how we can deal with them in the event that they do. However, this is not really what my anxiety is doing. It’s not coming up with calm, rational contingency plans. It’s telling me that the experience will be inherently stressful and traumatizing and trying to find a way to avoid it all together.
It’s really helpful for me to remember the real life examples of the way our focus determines our experience and even has an influence on future outcomes. Yoga gives us ample opportunities to practice these principles before putting them into action in other areas of our lives. Getting into an arm balance is scary. You’re quite likely to fall down the first few times you try. But if we focus on that fear or how it feels to fall and hurt ourselves, we’re never going to master bakasana! Focus on what’s in front of you. Focus on where you want to be or what you want to see happen. If you focus on falling you’re going to fall or perhaps never let yourself try in the first place.
Realizing and reminding myself that my focus on fear is not helping me to avoid it, but instead propelling me toward it, is exactly where I need to begin. Normally when I contemplate shifting my thoughts to the positives and letting go of my anxiety about any given situation, I become afraid that by not looking at the scary bits, they’ll sneak up on me or something. It’s like trying to keep your eyes on a spider at the corner of your room so that it won’t suddenly appear on your arm. But what if staring at that spider was an invitation for it to come over to you? You’d probably keep yourself busy with whatever you’re doing and leave it alone.
It’s time for me to start giving my energy to the good things in life that I want to create, not the parts that I want to avoid. If I focus on the good, I’ll naturally move past or through the obstacles in due time. When I let myself focus on only the scary parts of life, that is all I’m going to experience, whether my fears come to fruition or not. I’ll have already lived the worst of them out in my mind anyway. It’s okay to let myself think about the good things that might happen too or the things I hope will happen. It’s safe to let myself be happy. It’s safe to imagine a future full of positivity and light. In fact, that’s the first step towards manifesting that future.
A Thousand Deaths
A morbid fixation on death overcomes me from time to time. Usually I don’t think much about it. Death hasn’t touched my life much at all in these 28 years. Somehow I haven’t really lost many close family members or friends. The death of beloved animals has been the majority of my encounters with this grim shadow that lingers on the edge of life. It’s been easy for me to live in denial of this unpleasant reality.
Last night as I was reading through the terrible ends of characters in books, I couldn’t escape the contemplation of my own inevitable departure from this world. I was petrified at the idea that I would die alone in some unimaginable form of physical, emotional, and psychological suffering. I don’t have any children, nor will I. I’m also the youngest person in my family. I only have a few close friends. It’s hard for me to picture how I would even avoid a horrific demise besides my near certain assumption that the earth with end before I have to worry about dying of old age or disease.
Then as I was falling asleep that night, a truth I have known for quite some time, but never fully felt in this way crashed over me. It is utterly pointless for me to spend my time and energy playing out this possible future in my head. If this is my fate, if my life ends in isolation and agony, so be it. Thinking about that will never be able to prevent it or change it. Yes, it’s hard to accept that death will find me one day. Even harder to accept that my final moments may be particularly sad and full of suffering. But making myself sick with fear from these thoughts will not spare me this death. Instead it will cause me to experience a thousand deaths rather than just one.