Beauty Standards

This may seem obvious, but I had a realization the other day. I was watching people reacting to one of the dozens of hot-people dating shows that are on every streaming service now. Every single person on these shows has a “perfect” body. They are all conventionally attractive to the extreme. But when the YouTubers I was watching started to joke about people finding them (the YouTubers) attractive, a new thought dawned on me. I did find them attractive. I actually found the YouTubers more attractive than the “super sexy” people on the show.

I struggle a lot with the reality that I will never be as thin or beautiful as all of the images of women that are forced into my line of sight online and in the media every day. Some small part of me had accepted the false notion that no one could ever genuinely find me attractive or be satisfied by my appearance when they are also exposed to such perfection day in and day out. This silent, unconscious belief filled me with shame, frustration, and self-disgust.

Coming to realize that I, myself, was attracted to people outside of what society tells us is beautiful and desirable, allowed me to contemplate a different reality than the one I’d created inside my own head. Just because there are people who are ridiculously more attractive than me, doesn’t mean that people can’t also find me attractive, despite all my perceived flaws. I honestly found that idea hard to even entertain, until I realized the inherent truth of it within my own feelings about others.

Sometimes we are utterly blinded by our own bullshit. It can be difficult to open our minds to any alternative perspective. I don’t know if sharing this will matter at all, but hopefully maybe one person who reads this will benefit from it. You don’t have to be perfect to be loved. Not a single person I love is perfect. In fact, their imperfections are part of the reason I love them so dearly. You don’t have to be physically flawless to be hot. There are so many more factors that go into attraction than just physical appearance. So don’t be so hard on yourself. Don’t feel like you have to question the authenticity of the love and affection you receive in your life. It’s real. You are loved. And you are worthy of that love.

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Understanding Bisexuality

Up until this past year, I considered myself strictly heterosexual. Apart from looking at women endlessly on Tumblr and having French kissed multiple women on several occasions while intoxicated, I had only ever been interested in dating men. Although, nothing about the male physique was particularly alluring to me. I had always said without hesitation that women were much more pleasurable to look at. But never did I think for a second that my visual interest in women’s bodies or having kissed women before made me a lesbian or bisexual. I reasserted my heterosexuality by rationalizing that I was only doing these things for men. I looked at gorgeous women to learn to emulate them and attract men. I made out with women to sexually excite the men nearby. At least, this is what I had always told myself.

After discovering that a vegan I had been surreptitiously flirting with and his girlfriend were interested in polyamory, I found myself with an interesting dilemma. I wanted nothing more than to become involved with this man, but did I want to be involved with his girlfriend as well? She was bisexual and in order to avoid jealousy as they made their initial voyage into polyamorous waters they were looking to form a triad.

Now don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t as if I was disgusted by the idea of sex with another woman. I really felt neutral to the idea apart from being a bit nervous at the prospect of unfamiliar sexual territory. My main concern was being ingenuous. I didn’t think I was necessarily attracted to women romantically or sexually. I didn’t want to put on an act just to be with the man I already liked and I certainly didn’t want to hurt the feelings of a delightful vegan woman that I already knew I wanted to befriend either way.

For a few weeks I moved slowly and unsurely. I began testing the waters of my own heart. I hung out with the girlfriend a few times on my own and definitely enjoyed her quite a bit. After endless internal turmoil, and me still not feeling absolutely certain, we finally decided to all be together.

And I was so happy! During the few months that we spent together, I was able to peel back so many layers of myself and discover new forms of love I had never fathomed could be for me. I realized that misunderstanding had been with me for so long. I felt that because the feelings for women were not the same as the feelings I have for men meant definitively that I was heterosexual and that was as far as I cared to investigate. But then I learned that there are so many different flavors of love and attraction. While my interest in men is bright and intense, my love for women is soft and ensnaring. But both of these are valid and more than worth experiencing.

While I would still consider myself bisexual with a preference for men, I could never sever ties with the feelings and emotions I have for women. (Thank god I’m polyamorous!) There is something so beautiful and exciting about the different emotions and experiences that we are able to cultivate with others. No two relationships are ever alike and I’ve finally made peace with my own sexuality and am no longer afraid to explore it because of what others might think of me.

I was never afraid that I would be judged as part of the LGBTQ community, but I was afraid that community itself would judge and reject me. I was afraid that if I really was only interested in men but explored relationships with women that I would be viewed as an imposter, as someone desperate for attention, and I couldn’t bear seeing myself in that light. Now that I’ve finally figured this all out in my own mind, I just wanted to share it with others so that it might bring about a better understanding of bisexuality from someone who was struggling with it themselves. I hope that you aren’t afraid to explore your feelings and extend yourself in different directions, because you might find something lovely there, a whole new dimension to who you are.

P.S. – I’ll be at the Pittsburgh Pride Fest this Sunday with said bi vegan goddess. ❤