What a Beautiful Life

It has been such a very long time since I’ve had a time as wonderful as I did yesterday. My boyfriend is too good to be true. My stomach still fills with butterflies whenever I get to call him that. I couldn’t be more grateful to have him in my life. I honestly forgot it was possible to feel this way. I rediscovered a lot of feelings that I had nearly forgotten were possible thanks to him. I still can’t believe how beautiful and alive he’s made my life feel recently. I honestly don’t even know what I’m writing about today. It feels reminiscent of the gushing lovesick diary entries I would write as a preteen. I can’t remember the last time I felt this happy.

Just a few months ago I was fairly certain that I would never find someone else I wanted to share my life with. It seemed like an impossibility at this point in my life. I was becoming too set in my ways, too particular, too picky. I knew it would take someone extremely special for me to divert off of the path of solitude I was beginning to grow quite comfortable with. Never could I have imagined that I’d meet someone so fucking incredible, though. To think we may have never met if I hadn’t messaged him by accident, thinking he might be someone else I met a long time ago. Thank goodness I ended up being wrong. He is far better than that person could have ever been.

I truly feel like we couldn’t be more perfect for one another. We’re both vegan. We’re both extremely progressive politically. We’re both atheists. We both love to read. We both love the same obscure bands. We both love to exercise and be healthy. Plus he’s also just an absolute dreamboat in a lot of other ways. I love his sense of style, his haircut, his tattoos. He’s intelligent and funny with a vocabulary large enough that I don’t have to dumb down the way I speak around him. He’s kind and gentle and considerate. I could go on and on, but I’m sure you get the idea by now.

Not only is he all of those amazing things, but he’s also probably someone I’d consider not only my equal, but better than me in a lot of ways. He fills me with passion and inspiration to improve myself and grow alongside him. I’m not sure if I’ve ever felt that way about someone before now. In the beginning I had a lot of doubt about us being able to make this relationship work long distance once he moves for his new job, but now I’m not worried in the least. There is no length I wouldn’t go to be with him. I actually think I may already be in love. I was initially quite concerned about being expected to drive for five hours to go see him every now and then, but now that distance is meaningless to me. I would drive even farther if I had to.

I just had to set aside some time today to really flesh out just how grateful I am for the ways things have fallen into place. I want this insanely fortunate, yet unlikely set of circumstances to serve as a reminder of just how beautiful this life is. Let it be a reminder that I have no need to fear the future or the unknown. The universe will always guide me in the right direction. All of the pain and tears and laughter and growth I’ve experienced up until now have all been necessary steps to bring me to this very moment. I know things won’t always stay this blissfully happy, but I want to remember times like these forever. It’s okay to trust. It’s okay to surrender to the grand mysterious flow of this universe. Our sweet Earth mother provides me with everything I need. My life is full of love and abundance. I am so so grateful.

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Five Years

It still feels surreal to me, but I officially have a boyfriend again after five years of being single. I feel ridiculous being so happy and giddy over something so commonplace, but I can’t help myself. I hadn’t even realized it had been five years until now. Time perception is such a wild and ever-changing thing. It’s crazy to think that when I was in school, a mere four years enveloped a huge, important chunk of my life (high school) and now the past five have just been a vague blur, hardly worth remembering. I suppose there were highlights within the past few years, but they don’t seem to stand out as much as similar things would have when I was younger. Maybe the structure of school just allowed for a more organized, and therefore more easily remembered, life.

Regardless of how long is seems, it has been five years. I’m 27 years old now, yet I definitely still feel 22 if not even younger when it comes to my emotional maturity. As someone who is quite proud of being more intelligent than most, it is quite a painful realization that my emotional intelligence is so stunted. It really has never been so obvious to me as it has in the last few weeks with my new partner. The littlest thing makes me tongue tied with embarrassment. Then that embarrassment is compounded again and again as I cringe at myself, embarrassed of being embarrassed. I’ve always felt that I am clueless and awkward when it comes to dating and romance, but it didn’t seem like that was all that uncommon for my age back when I met my first boyfriend. However, even though so much time has passed since then, I feel exactly the same as all those years ago. A far less acceptable place to be emotionally now that I’m no longer 16. Over a decade has passed with little to no progress in that arena.

I suppose I’m just being too hard on myself again though. I don’t have to be perfect to be worthy of love and affection. It’s okay to make mistakes and feel embarrassed. My new boyfriend doesn’t seem to be put off by it at least. I’m excited to learn and grow with someone by my side to support me again. Especially someone so considerate and kind as the one I’ve found. Although it does feel quite unfamiliar. I’m so used to being on my own now. It feels strange to tie myself to someone else, to not only have myself to consider or look out for anymore. Someone made a comment on one of my other posts about just waiting until I feel more emotionally developed or “ready” to start a relationship again. Definitely sounds like good advice. Unfortunately, I’ve already been doing that for half a decade! Remaining on my own seems to have only been making things worse, not better. Instead of growing as a person, I’ve remained in a stagnant cocoon, off in my own world. It’s only made it harder for me to be with others, not easier. Just like with most things, if you are waiting for the perfect moment, chances are you’ll be waiting forever.

This analytical, obsessive mind of mine just loves to get lost fixating on the details. I’m always stuck worrying about all of the unknowns ahead. For once I’d like to just enjoy the blissful happiness that I have in this moment. It’s time to let go of fear and to learn how to just trust, in myself, in my fellow humans, in this universe. All is well. I am healthy. I am happy. I am loved. I have found a beautiful, intelligent, kind, vegan boy who wants to be with me. And for the first time in a very long time, I desperately want to be with him as well.

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