This country is a cancer that disfigures the landmass of North America The natural wonders we once lauded in lyrics are defiled every day There is a special kind of shame that comes with celebrating years of injustice and genocide Gloating over our stolen home as we are still unearthing the dead bodies of native children The constant reminder of those that have died for us with un-ironic exclusions The bittersweet remembrance of a little white Christian girl who passionately loved her country A tiny heart that swelled with pride and gratitude for the red, white, and blue Innocence ripped away unveiling the horror of the truth Today is a day of mourning for reflection and repentance for the atrocities of our forefathers A god that would bless this nation is no god of mine
Abundance is a concept that feels foreign to me hoarding away all that I have fearful that it won't be enough cheating the system to add to my stash Trying to prepare for the daunting unknown just beyond tomorrow the world seems viscous and unworthy of my trust fate as an enemy not an ally But despite all the tragedy that pollutes this existence today is a day of celebration a recognition of the wealth I have been rewarded with in such unexpected ways A signal from the universe that I am being guided in the right direction at last a confirmation that I should keep listening to the small chirps of intuition that has laid dormant A reminder that my reality is an expression of my inner truth mental, spiritual, and emotional landscape made manifest in living color a reflection of the essence deep within this sacred vessel Fear can only overtake me when I give it permission to enshroud my soul with doubt and drown out the soft voice that whispers the deep wisdom housed within my heart Trusting in myself to know the correct path and following it confidently and without shame will always lead me to the light despite the useful suffering I encounter along the way Today I allow myself to taste the ripe nectar of the fruit cultivated through hopeful faith I embrace the gift of abundance bestowed upon me in this prescous moment
Last night as I was trying to fall asleep, I was so nervous about the practical exam I was going to have to take in the morning that I was literally shaking. Not only was I terrified of the exam, but I was terrified that I was so terrified. I can’t even recall another time in my life were I was that afraid. To make matters worse, once I finally fell asleep, I woke up in the early hours of the morning with unbearably painful stomach cramps.
I’ve never had much of an issue with cramping throughout my life, so I was really surprised how badly I felt. My concern only grew as the pain persisted for much longer than I expected. It even seemed to intensify at times. I nearly passed out walking down the stairs to my bathroom. Then I laid on the cold tile floor for awhile, just trying not to throw up. I barely managed to pull myself up to go into the kitchen for water. I seriously considered going to the hospital. Near the end of this episode, I was actually convulsing with each fresh wave of pain. Thankfully, I eventually fell back asleep and still managed to feel moderately rested when I woke up a few hours later.
Strangely enough, I found myself feeling grateful for that painful interlude I experienced overnight. My anxiety about the exam was shrunken considerably. It’s hard to be afraid of a zoom call, when hours earlier you thought you might be dying. No matter what happened, I was just thankful that I was no longer in pain.
I was still a little jittery as I patiently waited for my turn while evaluating my fellow students. When my time finally arrived, I was given (rather unfairly I might add) a scenario much different and arguably more difficult than the others. Despite this, I managed to stay grounded and focused and do an excellent job. It went even better than I could have hoped. After that, the written portion of the exam was a piece of cake. I definitely was the first one to finish and there’s no way I scored less than 100 percent.
The most interesting thing about all of this is that after all those hours and days I agonized about this stuff, it seemed like my overflowing pride and relief lasted only a few brief moments. I noticed my mind already eager to start probing for more possible fears to latch onto and ruminate about. No matter how hard or scary I think something is beforehand, once I get through it, I immediately start downplaying my accomplishment. “It wasn’t that hard.” “It’s no big deal.” “I was just overreacting.” These are just a few of the ways my mind tries to rob me of any and every opportunity to celebrate myself.
Not today though, god damn it. This week has been hell. I’ve been on edge and anxious and afraid for what seems like an eternity. I never thought I would make it to where I am now. I deserve to celebrate. I deserve to feel good about myself. I deserve to be happy and proud. I’m not going to allow myself to minimize this amazing achievement. I’ve work hard. I’ve faced so many fears with courage and grace. I nearly called 911 from the bathroom floor last night! The rest of this day belongs to me. I am going to enjoy the hell out of it.
In fact, I am going to keep right on celebrating this entire weekend. I’ve earned a good rest and a reward after how much I’ve pushed myself past my comfort zone. I can’t wait to tell everyone about this incredible achievement. I’m gonna relax, get drunk, and go to a mother fucking psychic fair on Sunday with my best friend. Hell yes. I’m amazing. I am so worthy of celebration.