Cravings

Throughout my life the idea that we should follow our food cravings has been presented to me in a positive light. I don’t know what evidence there is to back this, but I’ve heard that we will naturally crave different foods to satisfy different nutritional needs. For instance, if we’re lacking a vital nutrient, we’ll begin to really get a hunger for a food that supplies that particular vitamin or mineral. Seems to make sense. But as for how true this is, I couldn’t tell you.

What I do know is our bodies learn to crave what they are used to getting. Just because we crave salt and sugar and fat, does not mean that we should indulge these desires all the time. Being unable to resist eating ice cream does not mean that it’s good for us. Reading about the way our gut microbiome influences our food cravings completely reshaped my idea of the importance of following them.

Over the years, I’ve learned firsthand that cravings, no matter how overwhelming or pervasive they may seem, can change. Everyone’s first comment when considering the idea of going vegan is, “I could never give up cheese!” I assure you every person that HAS gone vegan once said the same thing. I know I did. This isn’t a coincidence either or proof of how delicious cheese is or that our bodies need something in it. This is a chemical dependency. The casein in cheese releases casomorphins that stimulate dopamine production in our brains, similar to the way opioids do. Cheese is literally addictive. And just like with other addictive substances, once you detox, the physical cravings go away.

Despite knowing the immense torture, death, and subjugation involved to produce it, my mouth would still water dramatically whenever my roommates would order pizza during my first few vegan years. I truly believed that would be an urge I would have to fight forever. It’s a hard thing to accept, and it does make a lot of people believe they couldn’t be vegan. But now cheese doesn’t even appear like food to my brain. I have no desire for it at all. Quite frankly, it disgusts me. It is moldy bodily secretions from cows. What about that is appetizing? It’s bizarre to think I ever willingly put such a substance into my body, let alone did it with such fervor. Yet billions of people still do every day. That is the power of food craving.

Getting back to the gut microbiome, this also plays a pivotal role in the foods we find most appealing. When you change your diet, eventually the bacteria inside your gut also change. Not only can this affect your health, it affects your food cravings. If you would have told me ten years ago that I would vastly prefer my own healthy, green, vegan, veggie dinners over fast food at every opportunity, I wouldn’t have believed you. But it’s true. If someone offered to buy me an impossible burger and fries from Burger King so I didn’t have to cook later, it would be the easiest thing in the world for me to turn that down. My body doesn’t crave garbage food anymore because I don’t ever eat it.

The fact that food cravings can change so drastically really makes me question if we should be putting any weight behind them. It also seems criminal to me that this truth isn’t talked about more. Perhaps I wouldn’t have believed it when I was younger, but I still wish someone would have told me that eating healthy, plant-based, whole foods would become just as delectable as eating the most greasy fatty foods used to be. Changing your diet can definitely be hard and take a lot of will power at first. However, I think anyone is capable of doing something that’s hard for a limited period of time, especially if it means vastly improving their long-term health and current quality of life. It’s that overwhelming sense that every day from now on will be just as difficult, that we’ll have to live in a constant state of self-denial, that puts people off. It’s so important that everyone knows that it isn’t forever. Not only will it get easier, eating healthy will become just as enjoyable as eating unhealthy. I enjoy food even more now because there is no guilt. I’m not harming other beings, and I’m not harming my body. Not to mention, you feel a lot better immediately after eating fresh veggies than you do after eating fried chicken.

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Fear Never Ends

Everything ends
and I am so afraid
of the empty space
between love and loss

Everything ends
and it never gets easier
fear of change only grows
I hoped it'd shrink with age

Everything ends
and I never learned to cope
with the possibility of regret
with decisions you can't take back

Everything ends
and I'm paralyzed by thoughts
that nothing new and good
will find me again

Feeling Soft

Everything was soft inside of me again
the sunlight pierced my unfurling soul
a sudden opening of the vacuum sealed air
encircling my swimming, distorted thoughts
my heart burst open, there was space to breathe

Fragile reflections in water droplets
held together by microscopic tension
pressing softly into fresh hues of green
the sensual humming silence that rises
in anticipation of a new dawn

Subtly shifting oil painting sky
melting through pink and blue clouds
I've finally found something worth the fear
of being completely swallowed up
and reshaped by an unknown hope

Spring Release

Sweet, sinful secrets grow stale
kept away from the spring light
urgent longing to release
bleeding tongues bound with twine

Something stirring deep beneath
the rolling hillside breeze
the tense, stagnant feeling in the air
right before the downpour

Trembling, tender buds
on the cusp of a new season
those brave first days of nature
defying a few more morning frosts

Honeysuckle blossoms spattered
with dirt alongside the highway
the smell of fresh pavement
challenging earth's resilience

Perpetual ascension, futile suppression
thick air soon breaks into thunderstorms
paint the dark earth with the wretched truth
this land has lessons, it does not lie  

Separate

I wanted to pour myself into you again
to be sipped, and savored, and understood
but there's too much sediment inside now
to become a cohesive solution

The liquid tide lapping at my shores
no longer responds to that distant moon
left to hover in languishing stillness
piercing, punishing, silent sea inside

I'm still waiting for that feeling to manifest
but this time it doesn't feel like fate
it feels like the frantic refusal of
a flame afraid of being snuffed out

It used to feel so easy to empty my heart
into the perfect, protective basin of your being
finding out the core of all that I am is
forever cut off from everyone, even you

Range of Motion

Everyone keeps telling me
that I get to make the choice
that happiness and peace
are only one option away

It's frustrating to then find myself
in moments that don't seem to offer
the possibility of different ways of being
and I'm hopelessly overcome with old patterns

I've been asking myself
why I'm not strong enough
to make the right decisions
instead I just keep stumbling

But I think I finally realized
when people say we all have a choice
that doesn't mean the choices are limitless
or that we all have the same options

Sometimes at first your scope is small
I still can't choose unconditional compassion
when my heart is sealed closed with anger
but I can make the decision to be mindful

I can witness myself from a few steps off
in a way I never was able to before
I can get curious about my intention
and question my automatic reactions

Sometimes I can stay silent and still
or even smile as I watch these impulses
swiftly rise, then subside and pass by
right now the changes I make are subtle

Mindfulness is a muscle that with effort
will provide a wider range of motion
new choices will arise naturally
if I am patient and keep practicing

ASD and Decision Making

One of the many struggles I have in life that I attribute to my undiagnosed Autism is my utter inability to make decisions. I’ve felt like decisions were so much harder for me to make than my peers even as a young child, but I feel it’s only gotten worse as I’ve gotten older and the decisions I’m faced with every day have become more and more serious and important. It’s hard enough for me to decide what to wear or what to make for dinner, let alone if I should take a new job or move.

I used to be more able to make a decision if I felt somewhat forced into it out of discomfort. I’d wait until I reached my breaking point, where the discomfort of not choosing a different path exceeded the discomfort of change. However, that threshold for discomfort has become larger and larger as I become more dependent on and attached to my routines. It feels impossible to make a big decision regardless of how certain I feel it will be good for me, because I know it will inevitably cause turmoil and disrupt my normal patterns and habits for awhile. Despite unhappiness with where I am, it still feels easier to just let things remain how they are. At least I know what to expect, even if it’s nothing good.

I’ve been trying to focus on the positive things I stand to gain from making a change. Part of me does get excited at the idea of beginning a new phase of life for myself. Who knows what wonderful new things might enter my life if I only have the courage to make room for them? However, I am immediately terrified and overwhelmed with the idea of the immediate future that lies before any of those benefits. How on earth can I bear the pivotal moments of action? It seems like an insurmountable task. I wish I was able to press a button, make the decision, and wake up a few weeks later beyond the initial aftermath.

Possibly worst of all is the feelings of guilt, shame, disappointment I feel with myself for not being able to do this. It’s hard to even talk about with other people, because I am so embarrassed. I can’t really ask for advice, because it’s obvious what they’ll tell me I need to do. Part of me is afraid that their certainty will push me into action. No matter how sure I am of something, there is always a small voice in the back of my head pushing me in the opposite direction, warning me that I might regret this. I know that’s not something I can ever avoid for sure. But I already have so many regrets. I’m afraid to trust myself. I’m afraid to be the one that chooses how my future will unfold. I don’t want to blame myself for making the wrong choice someday.

On the other hand, what if I am making the wrong choice by remaining where I am? There may be wonderful opportunities and people passing me by because I haven’t been brave enough to create space for them in my life. I hate feeling like such a coward, like a child, that needs someone else to make all the important decisions for them. I just want to ask for help, but I know that there is no one that can help me to live my own life. Some things we just have to do on our own.

It Doesn’t Feel Like a Choice

Can a broken brain really fix itself?
maybe it requires a lot of help
but how can you seek out something
you're already certain you don't deserve?

I've tried relentlessly to turn
the tides of my mind toward the sun
but the familiar shore of rage and despair
is magnetic as it resists every effort

It's gotten no easier to resist this automatic
under toe of self-defeating thoughts
when it pulls my head below the waves
so swiftly and with such strength

Self-love practices that once felt like salvation
have turned sour under the miasma of this mind
shame and disappointment have piled onto the
frustration of not being able to be different

I had really hoped that it was a choice
that I could decide to feel better
but now I doubt that it's fully true
there are more factors to change than sheer will

It feels like an attack to keep hearing it's up to me
when I've been trying my very best
but it's still not enough to get by
I guess I should be glad it worked for a little while

Winter’s Beauty

Cotton candy sunrise ascending
over frost covered hills
commands the soul to stop
and take notice with silent reverence

Cold light magnified through
icicle laden limbs of trees
is obscured behind private clouds
created by every exhale

Pristine beauty pervades the stillness
of the snowy winter months
stirring up a pious inner hope that
death will somehow seem as lovely