Twenty-Eight

Twenty-eight years spent
in the same place
that felt like a prison
when I was sixteen

It once seemed like failure
not escaping to surroundings
exciting and unfamiliar
somewhere far away

But now I see it as a blessing
to grow where you are planted
to traverse the same worn paths
through friendly trees in summer

To sit upon the same faithful earth
that holds mementos of my childhood
and watch the slow changes in myself
reflected back by the whispering hillsides

Sharing secrets with the soiled river
that has always known me more deeply
than anyone could through words alone
as it runs alongside my inner life

The quiet protection of the thick woods
softly urging me onward in time
tiny hands searching for fish hook treasures
among steep, rocky shores just outside of town

The awesome unfurling
of a life and a land intertwined
the profoundly soothing resonance
of a home that's greater than home

Advertisement

Great Expectations

There is a sense of safety in youth
the assurance that we still have time
a comforting concept that assuages
all fear in the slow crawl forward

As the years pile up, we watch
that comfortable cushion evaporate
and wonder if we've been wasteful
with our share of great potential

Our failures sting more sharply
and stagnation stifles minds
once lauded as brilliant and unique
grasping backwards for lost luster

The first half of life is spent in ascent
I was not prepared for the plateau
peering ahead with hesitant eyes
anxious anticipation for the inevitable fall

Without regular praise from superiors
small stores of artificial self-esteem
shrivel in the severity of the sun
it's time to learn to water ourselves

There is no time limit on success
nothing is wasted in our thwarted attempts
this season of life is not yet over
seeds can still be sown 

Childhood

Thank you for a childhood
free from seductive screens
for long summer days
lying on the floor without AC

Thank you for the silence
of a world before wires
that let my mind buzz with
unhindered creativity

Thank you for the boredom
of being bottled up in my room
finding forms within the waves
of rough paint on my ceiling

Thank you for the woods
for butterflies and salamanders
and all the small creatures
I had space to be acquainted with

Thank you for blanket forts
crisp fall evenings buried under leaves
snow days with red cheeks from sled riding
hot chocolate and dehydrated marshmallows

Thank you for a childhood
full of flower fields and fresh air
the secret memory of that inner stillness
where I can return whenever I need it

Pondering Pride

Only now am I making the connection between my childhood and the way I celebrate myself. It’s interesting to think about. When I was a child, I was exceptional. I didn’t realize it at the time, having no perspective on the matter. But now that I work with children every day I understand why so many adults in my life (my teachers, colleagues of my parents, etc.) seemed so amazed and excited about me as a person. I was always able to outperform my peers in nearly every way. I was incredibly intelligent and curious. I was creative and quite talented in my artistic endeavors. I even got straight As all throughout school, even in college.

Despite the showers of praise I got from so many people, my parents and family members never seemed too impressed. Because of this, I assumed the other people were just being polite or kind, and didn’t take their compliments to heart. My parents always treated me like I was a normal, average child. While other kids in my class got money for a report card with Bs and Cs, I never got anything at all for returning home with perfect marks. I was barely even patted on the back. While this was frustrating, I still believed it must just be because that was expected of me and I wasn’t doing anything special or impressive.

I’ve come to find out that, despite my parent’s apathetic reactions to my childhood accomplishments, they were very proud of me and knew I was gifted. In their minds, they didn’t want to make me arrogant or conceited with constant positive reinforcement. While they meant well, this approach definitely had other unintended consequences. Namely, as an adult, I find myself unable to give myself credit for my accomplishments or feel proud of anything that I do.

I never learned how to celebrate and enjoy personal success. Instead when I succeed I merely think that’s what I’m supposed to do, so it’s nothing to be especially pleased about. I find myself looking at other people’s lives and thinking I would be so happy and confident if I were them, but in reality I don’t think I would be. After all, I have a lot of amazing qualities and achievements myself. I just don’t acknowledge them. In fact, I even feel rather guilty when I try to tap into a sense of pride for who I am and how far I’ve come in my personal journey. I guess my parent’s fear of me developing an inflated ego has seamlessly transferred into my own mind.

Today, no matter how uncomfortable it might make me at first, I want to take the time to consciously note all of the incredible things I’ve done and continue to do on a daily basis. With the perspective of an outsider looking in, I’d like to try to adopt an objective perspective of my personal growth over the years. Maybe then I won’t feel so guilty about “doing nothing” or being “lazy” all the time. So here is a list of some things I think I should feel proud of.

1. Bachelors Degree in Psychology, Minor in Writing: I’ve learned a hell of a lot about the human mind and my own internal biases and blind spots through my education. Sometimes I forget that the general public is not privy to a lot of the information I now use to guide my everyday life and decisions. While society doesn’t seem to value my degree very much, I’m still glad that I chose the major I did. I’m also proud that I graduated at the very top of my class, Summa Cum Laude.
2. Certified Yoga Instructor: It sounds weird, but I feel so unworthy of this title that I often forget to even think of myself as a yoga teacher. I still remember idolizing my teacher in college and having a pipe dream that maybe I could teach yoga one day. Well I did it! I’m that incredible, beautiful, spiritual person that I once looked up too. And damn it, I deserve to give myself all the credit in the world for accomplishing something I hardly thought would ever be possible.
3. Healthy Habits: In my late teens/early twenties, I really aspired to form healthy lifestyle habits. I would watch YouTube videos and follow Instagram accounts of people that I saw living the life that I so wanted to emulate. I really put people that could wake up early, exercise, and eat healthy on a pedestal. Yet, now that I’ve been waking up at 5AM and working out before work everyday and doing yoga and meditating religiously for years, I feel like it’s no big deal. It’s helpful for me to imagine how elated my younger self would be with the life I’ve cultivated for myself.
4. Veganism: Being vegan is another goal that I had for a very long time, but never thought I would be good enough to manage it. Now that I’ve been vegan for just under ten years, it is just second nature. Even though it’s ridiculously easy now, I have to remember that this is an impressive feat to a lot of people, my former self included.
5. Creativity: Despite not feeling very creative or talented most of the time, it’s still impressive that I manage to find time to dedicate to my creativity and imagination every single day. Even people that loved to write or paint in this youth often have given up these endeavors entirely once they transition into adulthood. My own sister, who is a phenomenal artist, no longer paints because she can’t find the time. I might not be a great artist or ever make anything that will have an impact on the world, but I think it’s beautiful that I make an effort to foster that artistic nature that we all have within.

While these things are not the only things that I’ve accomplished or think are deserving of my pride, they are a few of the most important to me. When I start feeling down on myself, like I’ve never done anything worthwhile with my life, I plan to look back on this list, add to it, and remember that I’m still an extraordinary individual.

It’s Not Fair

One of the most common and recurring whines I’m sure we’ve all uttered in childhood is, “But it’s not fair!” Only once we’re older to we really realize that life isn’t fair. As children, though, we are told to “play fair” to “share” and things of this nature. We learn the moral value of justice and fairness, expecting the world that taught us these values to actually embody them. It’s no wonder that there is such friction and frustration when we go out into the world only to find that these lessons were all just talk.

I’ve always felt like most people make peace with this inconsistency more easily than I have ever been able to. I constantly feel victimized and cheated by small injustices we all face every day. I become especially exasperated when I think of the injustices of society as a whole. Even when I know that this period in history is a lot more just than it has been in the past, I can’t seem to let go of the idea that it should be better.

I constantly catch myself playing little mind games to even the score when I feel like I’ve been cheated out of money or have been treated unfairly in some way. The absolute madness of Comcast charging me $15 for a “self-installation” fills me with so much anger that I instead force myself to look at it as if the “free” product was what was $15. If something bad happens to me, I think of all the reasons why I must have deserved it. I’m always tallying up the score in strange ways like this in order to make myself feel a situation is more fair than it actually is.

For the longest time, I thought this was an excellent way to handle the injustices of the world. If I can play around with the facts in my head enough that I end up finding some sense of peace then all the better. However, just the other day I began to question this process of mine. Why must I make everything fair? After all, I know full well that life is not fair. Is it really doing myself any favors to pretend otherwise? Maybe instead I should be working on learning to sit with that unfairness.

It also occurred to me today just how hypocritical I have been in this regard, as we all tend to be honestly. We never scream “it’s not fair” when the scale is weighted in our favor. If I find myself on the beneficial side of an unfair arrangement, I feel rather pleased. I don’t feel any need to examine it or balance everything. Yet, if I’m the once short changed I am appalled and outraged. I feel helpless in the face of the big, bad, corrupt, unjust world. When I do something well, I expect to be rewarded in some way by the world. Yet when it comes to all the terrible, selfish things I do, I don’t expect punishment.

Most if not all of our suffering in this life is brought about by reality not living up to our expectations. By finding a way to make things always seem fair in my head, all I’m doing is subtly reinforcing my believe that the world should be fair. I think it’s time that I work towards accepting things even when they aren’t. Eventually there will come a time that no amount of mental effort will allow me to balance the scales of my life. It may sound depressing, but one of my new mantras is going to be “life isn’t fair.” I want to learn to accept this fact so that I am not crippled by my reaction to this part of reality when I inevitably encounter it in the world. Not only will practicing this new mindset of surrender and acceptance help me mitigate my anger at personal as well as societal injustices, it will also help me avoid internalizing a lot of the bad things that happen to me. Just because I experience some type of awful loss, doesn’t mean that I deserved it, nor does it have to be the end of the world, when things don’t go as I think they should.

Generational Connection

I am in such a good mood this morning. Even though I lost my vape somehow and spent nearly $200 on wine yesterday, I still got to spend the whole day with an amazing, loving little girl. I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned her before on my blog, but my sister’s boyfriend has a six-year-old daughter named Alaina. She is the most precious, well-behaved child I have perhaps ever met. (and I work with kids everyday.) I can’t seem to stop being fascinated by how happy she makes me though. As someone who never interacted with or cared much for children before I got my current job, it is a constant mystery to me why I love her and the other children I meet so much.

It almost feels like a chemical reaction is trigged in my brain when children are around. My heart opens wide and loving kindness floods my senses. I am overwhelmed with the desire to see them happy and to make a positive impact on their young minds. Especially when it comes to young children, I am also touched by their accepting and curious nature. Children don’t seem to judge at all. Even when they point out something rude like someone’s weight, it is never done in a malicious way. It is simply an observation that we interpret as an insult. Children embrace the world and everyone in it for what they are. For this reason, I feel I am able to take down the mask I wear for the world when I am with them.

The most intriguing aspect of my love of children is that none of these children are related to me. Never in my wildest dreams would I have thought that would happen. And it’s not just me, my mom and grandma and aunt all seem to love Alaina just as much as I do despite none of us having a connection to her biologically. When I got older, I felt patronized by what I saw as my family’s feinted interest in the things I did when I was a young child. I felt lied to that they told me my art was good, that I was smart, etc. It felt like everyone around me must have just been playing a role. They couldn’t have really gave a damn about seeing me ride a pony around in a circle at the county fair.

Being with Alaina has taught me that that isn’t true at all. I genuinely loved watching her riding a pony yesterday. I loved seeing her happy. I loved watching the wonder that colors her perception of the world. I even had to laugh as she yelled, “WOAH!” at every single firework last night. I know a few years ago, I would have been the young woman angrily wondering why those people don’t make their kid be quiet. Now even the things that would have annoyed me about stranger’s children in the supermarket, only make me smile.

Funny enough, it reminds me of something from Interview with the Vampire, which I watched a few weeks ago for the first time. (I may have been an aspect of Twilight as well.) The vampires could live forever so it was important for them not to become too disconnected from the living world. They were encouraged to interact with the people of each time period to maintain some of their humanity.

I don’t know what this says about me, but I feel like I can relate to that sentiment. Children keep me connected to humanity. They also keep me grounded in the present moment, because that’s where they are. They allow me to see the world through fresh, eager, innocent eyes. It is a joy to be an influence on them, to know that you can potentially make a huge impact in their lives. It is a responsibility that I am honored to have. It is a joy and a privilege to be a protector, a teacher, an example. Time spent with a child, is a meaningful investment in the future.

That’s why it is all the more painful to realize that these children don’t have much of a future to invest in. As much as I’ve wished the rest of the world would acknowledge the fact that it’s largely too late for us to adequately address climate change, it was crushing to hear a newscaster in a video Alaina was watching address children with the message of an inevitably catastrophic future. After I had finally come to terms with my own shortened lifespan, my wound was ripped open anew at the prospect of the even greater loss for the tiny soul snuggled into my side. What shame, what anguish I feel to leave these children with a decimated earth. How badly I wish I could tell all the generations after me that I’m sorry.

Even if it’s futile, I am going to keep fighting for them, for the animals, for all the most vulnerable and innocent among us. Even though it hurts, it’s so worth it.

Admiration

Today I thought it would be fun to write a bit about the people in my life that I most admire and why I admire them. Working with at risk populations and disadvantaged children has made me realize just how lucky I have been to have the people I’ve had in my life. Often when we’ve been raised in a healthy environment, surrounded by privilege, it can be hard to realize how different the lives of others may actually be. For most of my life, I took the incredible adults in my life for granted. Even worse, I didn’t acknowledge how great they actually were. Instead of being grateful for all that my parents have done for me, as a teen I was quick to judge and dismiss all the good things about them in favor of focusing on the imperfections of their parenting.

Now when I look back, I have to laugh at how naïve I was. I was expecting my parents, and frankly all the adults in my life, to be perfect, and was angry with them when (of course) they weren’t. It was only after becoming an adult myself that I realized the impossible standard I had been holding people too. Today I wanted to explain exactly why the adults I’ve had in my life growing up were not just adequate, but phenomenal, especially compared to the parents I meet everyday at work.

Mom

In the last decade, I have done a complete 180 when it comes to my opinion of my mom. As a teen I blamed her for all of my issues, rather than giving her credit for the advantages she has given me. I considered her a “bad mom” because she was always too busy. How exactly I felt that was her fault, I don’t know. She was raising two children and working full time with little to no help from my father. Of course she was busy. There were a few times I recall her actually having a mental breakdown in front of my sister and I when we were little. I was shocked and appalled even at the time. “This is not appropriate behavior to display in front of children,” I thought. Looking back, I genuinely can’t believe she only had those few incidents. I would be breaking down every single day if I was in her shoes now.

My mother is one of the most incredible people I have ever had the pleasure of knowing. She is so patient and gentle and intelligent and humble. She’s a saint in my eyes. She has always made sure that my sister and I had everything we could have ever needed or wanted. She has always shown me respect even when I was a small child. She has always been there to listen to me, no matter how busy she may have been. She had so much on her plate for so many years and still hardly ever complained. She never gave up on me, even when I tried to shut her out. Her love has truly been unconditional. I couldn’t imagine having a more ideal mother. I am so lucky to have her in my life, to have been raised by her, to have been able to learn from her example. I am forever grateful.

Grandma

My grandmother on my mother’s side, has also been an essential influence in my life. I am so lucky to have always been surrounded by such strong, intelligent, loving women. I owe everything that I am today to the women who raised me and taught me by example all the values I now hold so dear. My grandma raised me just as much as my mother did. She was always there to greet me when I got off the school bus and was my only baby sitter.

This woman is truly selfless, much like my mother. She has been an example of strength, independence, contentment, equanimity, and love. Nothing ever seems to bother or overwhelm this woman. She has been through so much in her 91 years on this earth. She has instilled in me her love of reading and her connection to nature. I will always cherish the memories I have of her reciting fairytales to me before bed and exploring the woods together with her and my sister. I’ve never heard her raise her voice. Neither she or my mother ever raised a hand to me either. The steady, sturdy presence of these unbelievable woman has allowed me to be the person I am today.

Scott

It may seem strange that the Scott I’m referring to here is actually my coworker and not my father, who is also named Scott. However, my father, while always being a part of my life, has never really made much of an impact on me. He always remained in the background. It is sad to say, but I’m MUCH closer to the Scott I’ve only known for two years now, than I am my own father.

That being said, Scott is an incredible man. I feel overwhelming gratitude that I am able to spend so much time with him. I genuinely think of him as a father. He represents to me so many qualities that I aspire to cultivate within myself. He is intelligent, charismatic, interesting, funny, dedicated, humble, easy-going, and much much more. He emanates passion in everything that he does. He does his job well, with diligence and skill. He is selfless almost to a fault. He would do anything for his family, friends, and the children that we serve every day.

I even love his imperfections. I admire the fact that he came from a complicated background. He grew up with an alcoholic, largely absent father. His mother hit him on many occasions. He saw some messed up things as a young man. He stole. He did drugs. He certainly hasn’t always been the outstanding citizen he is today, and that makes him all the more endearing to me. Despite all that he’s seen in his personal life as well as through his line of work, he still always manages to see the best in people. He has an unwavering faith in humanity that I envy. I can only hope that I can be more like him some day.

---

These are the three people that I admire and look up to the most. There are so many other amazing people I’ve been lucky enough to have in my life, but even if it were only these three, it would be more than the majority of the kids I meet everyday have. Even if you only have one decent person to admire in your life, be grateful. You would be surprised how many people have absolutely no one worthy of being a role model. And if you are one of those people, my heart goes out to you. I hope that someday we can all become someone worthy of admiration for someone who needs it.

Missing Myspace

Do any of you remember the old myspace days? I genuinely miss that platform more than I’d like to admit. Part of it may just be the nostalgia that comes with reminiscing about that time in my life. I was in middle school in those days. I was just discovering my own identity, not to mention some amazing music, and Myspace was the perfect place for both. Unlike Facebook, Myspace was much more about creativity and individuality. I would spend days crafting the perfect page for myself and trying to learn HTML. It’s hard to believe that that was well over a decade ago now.

Any of you that do remember Myspace, must remember the classic Myspace questionnaires everyone was constantly filling out. I doubt may of us cared what the original poster’s answers were (unless we had a crush on them, that is) but it was always fun to steal the questions and answer them yourself. Just for old time’s sake, I thought today I’d find one of those questionnaires and fill it out. So here it is. Feel free to copy and past the questions and answer them yourself!

1. Last beverage:
Coffee with oatmilk pumpkin spice creamer.

2. Last phone call:
Monday night with my boyfriend. Verizon kept dropping the call because I live in the middle of nowhere.

3. Last song you listened to:
Bayside – Already Gone

4. Last time you cried:
About a month ago while on LSD with my boyfriend. (Happy tears of course.)

5. Have you dated someone twice:
Yes, didn’t work out either time.

6. Have you ever been cheated on:
Not that I am aware of.

7. Kissed someone & regretted it:
Sooo many times. Usually while under the influence of alcohol.

8. Have you lost someone special:
Yes, through death and otherwise.

9. What are your three favorite colors:
Black, pastel green, & turquoise

10. Met someone who changed you in the past month:
Yes, every kid I meet at work changes me.

11. Kissed anyone on your friends list:
No longer have social media. 😥

12. How many kids do you want:
Human kids? Zero.

13. Do you want any pets:
I already have one cat, one dog, and one mouse, and they are splendid.

14. Do you want to change your name:
Yes. I’ve never liked my first or last name.

15. What did you do for your last birthday:
I honestly don’t remember. Most likely nothing.

16. What time did you wake up today:
6:15AM. I slept in.

17. Name something you CANNOT wait for:
My boyfriend to move back to the area at the end of the year.

18. Last time you saw your mother:
A couple weeks ago.

19. Most visited webpage:
YouTube

20. Nicknames:
A few people call me Rach. Would love for people to start calling me Elle.

21. Relationship status:
Dating a perfect vegan dreamboat. ❤

22. Zodiac sign:
Sagittarius

23. Male or female:
Female

24. Height:
5’6”

25. Do you have a crush on someone:
Yis. My lovely boyfriend.

26. Piercings:
Lip and 00 gauges in both ears.

27. Tattoos:
Not yet.

28. Strong or Weak:
Strong physically, weak mentally. lmao

FIRSTS

29. First surgery:
Wisdom teeth removal.

30. First best friend:
Can’t remember their name from daycare. But in kindergarten, her name was Katie.

31. First sport you joined:
Volleyball

32. First vacation:
I went to Castaway Bay with my mom, grandma, and sister for three days when I was little.

WHICH IS BETTER

33. Lips or eyes:
Eyes.

34. Hugs or kisses:
HUGSSS

35. Shorter or taller:
Taller

36. Older or younger:
Older.

37. Romantic or spontaneous:
I guess romantic.

38. Sensitive or loud:
Sensitive.

39. Hook-up or relationship:
Relationship.

40. Shy or outgoing:
Outgoing

HAVE YOU EVER

41. Kissed a stranger:
I don’t think so…?

42. Gotten a speeding ticket:
Yes, quite a few actually…

43. Lost glasses/contacts:
Nope, don’t need either.

44. Sex on first date:
Yes. Terrible choice.

45. Broken someone’s heart:
Sadly, yes. But I’m usually the one being broken.

46. Been arrested:
No

47. Have you turned someone down:
Tons of times.

48. Fallen for a friend:
Many times.

49. Moved out of town:
Yes, but not far.

BELIEVE IN

50. Miracles:
Eh, undecided.

51. Love at first sight:
Not really.

52. Heaven:
No.

53. Santa Claus:
Obviously not.

54. Kiss on the first date:
Depends on the person.

55. Angels:
Nah.

56. Yourself:
Sometimes.

ANSWER TRUTHFULLY

57. Had more than 1 girlfriend/boyfriend at a time:
Mhmm. I’ve dabbled with Polyamory/made huge mistakes.

58. Been in love with someone you couldn’t be with?:
That’s usually what being in love is like for me.

59. Ever cheated on somebody:
Yes, and it was the biggest mistake of my life.

60. If you could go back in time, how far would you go?:
Perhaps just to the 60s.

61. Are you afraid of falling in love:
Yes. It’s scary to need someone.

62. Was your last relationship a mistake?
I don’t think so.

63. Do you miss your last relationship?
Sometimes.

64. Who did you last say “i love you” to?
My boyfriend

65. Have you ever been depressed?
When I was a teenager.

66. Are you insecure?
Oh yes.

67. How do you want to die?
In my sleep.

68. Do you bite your nails?
Yes, unless they’re painted or I have fake ones on.

69. When was your last physical fight?
Never been in a fight.

70. Do you have an attitude?
When things don’t go as planned.

71. Twirl or cut your spaghetti?
Twirl

74. Do you tan a lot?
I tan easily, but don’t do so intentionally. Never used a tanning bed.

75. Ever eaten food in a car while someone or you are driving?
Yea, but not in a long time.

76. Ever made out in a bathroom?
Sure.

77. Would you take any of your exes back?
Probably not.

78. Would you go back in time if you were given the chance?
Probably not.

79. What are your plans for this weekend?
Going to a local Fall festival with my family to buy delicious wines for the holidays.

80. Do you type fast?
I do. Last I checked it was 65wpm.

81. Can you spell well?
Used to be great, but now I always second guess myself and rely on spellcheck.

82: What are you craving right now?
More time.

83. Have you ever been on a horse?
Yes when I was a kid.

84. Would you live with someone without marrying them?
I have before and certainly would again.

85. What’s irritating you right now?
Nothing at the moment.

86. Have you ever liked someone so much that it hurts?
Sure have.

87. Does somebody love you?
Yes, lots of people love me.

88. Have you ever changed clothes in a car?
I’m sure I have although I don’t remember specifically.

89. Milk chocolate or white chocolate?
Milk chocolate as long as it’s vegan.

90. Do you have trust issues?
Absolutely.

91. Longest relationship?
Not long, maybe 3-4 years?

92: Do you believe your most recent ex thinks about you?
If he’s not a complete imbecile.

93. Have you ever walked outside in your PJs?
I don’t have PJs.

94. Do you believe everything happens for a reason?
Yes.

95. Did you have dream last night?
We all dream every night, but I don’t remember my dream.

96. Have you ever been out of state?
Uh yea.

97. Do you play the Wii?
I have one, but rarely play it.

98. Do you like Chinese food?
Love it.

99. Are you afraid of the dark?
No

100. Is cheating ever okay?
No

101. What year has been your best?
Maybe 2008. That was a really good year for me.

102. Do you believe in true love?
I’m not sure.

103. Favorite weather?
Hot, humid, sunny days.

104. Do you like the snow?
It’s pretty, but too cold for me.

105. Do you like the outside?
Of course.

106. Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you baby?
If we’re romantically involved.

107. Have you ever made out for more than a half hour straight?
Definitely when I was a teenager.

108. What makes you happy?
Nature, intelligent, engaging conversation, animals, drawing, coffee, kratom, my friends and family.

109. Ever been to Alaska?
No and don’t plan on it.

110. Ever been to Hawaii?
No, but I’d love to go someday.

111. Do you watch the news?
I used to, but I’ve stopped within the last few years because it’s just unbearable.

112. Do you love MTV?
No, and I don’t have cable.

113. Do you like subway?
I used to before I went vegan.

114 Would it be hard to kiss the last person you kissed?
Not at all. I would love for him to be here so I could kiss him.

115. Your best friend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?
Probably be pissed off, because male friends never seem to just want to be friends.

116. Why did you decide to do this quiz?
Nostalgia

117. Have you ever seen someone you knew and purposely avoided them?
Lots of times.

118. Do you have a friend of the opposite sex who you can act your complete self around?
Yes.

119. Who was the last person of the opposite sex you talked to?
My friend Scott at work.

120. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with?
My coworkers. God, I love my job.

121. Ever bought condoms?
Actually, no.

122. Ever gotten pregnant?
Nope and I never will. (: Hallelujah.

123. Have you ever slipped on ice?
Yes.

124 Have you ever missed the bus?
Maybe when I was still in school. Can’t remember though.

125. Have you left the house without money?
I hardly ever carry cash.

126. Have you ever smoked cigarettes?
Yes, I’ve smoked on and off since age 18.

127. Have you ever smoked a cigar?
Yea, but I’m not a fan.

128. Did you ever drink alcohol?
Yes. Waaaay too much in college, nearly became an alcoholic a couple years ago, but now I have little to no interest in drinking.

129. Did you ever watch “The Breakfast Club”?
Once or twice.

130. Have you ever been overweight?
Yes, and I’ve felt overweight my entire life.

131. Ever been to a wedding?
Only one in my whole life and it was my best friend’s.

132. Ever been in a wedding?
Yup. I was a bridesmaid.

133. Have you ever been on the computer for 5 hours straight?
Never counted, but I’m sure I have.

134. Did you ever watch TV for 5 hours straight?
Definitely.

135. Ever kissed in the rain?
Not that I recall.

136. Did you ever shower with someone else?
Many times.

137. Did you ever fail a driver’s test?
No. I ran a stop sign, but they passed me anyway. lmao

138. Ever been outside your home country?
Yes. I went to the Bahamas on a cruise once.

139. Ever been on a road trip longer than 5 hours?
Yes. I hate road trips.

140. Ever been to a professional sports game?
Yes, but I didn’t pay attention to the game at all. I was people watching.

141. Have you ever broken a bone?
No! Impressive, right?

142. Did you ever win a trophy in your life?
Only lame ones for participation.

143. Ever get engaged?
Nope.

144. Have you ever been on a diet?
Seems like I’ve been on a diet since I was 6 years old.

145. Have you ever been on TV?
Probably local news very briefly since I was in my high school band and we would do parades and stuff.

146. Ever ridden in a taxi?
Nope.

147. Ever been to prom?
Yes. Not a fan.

148. Ever stayed up for 24 hours or more?
Yes, when I was a kid.

149 Have you ever been to a concert?
Yes, but only a couple.

150. Have you ever had a crush on someone at work?
Yes.

151. Have you ever been in a car accident?
Only fender benders.

152. Ever had braces?
Yes when I was in middle/high school.

153. Did you ever learn another language?
Constantly attempting to learn Spanish.

154. Do you wear make-up?
When I feel like it.

155. Did you ever have your wisdom teeth taken out?
Yes.

156. Did you ever kiss someone a different race than yourself?
Yes.

157. Ever dyed your hair?
Yes, many times. Nothing too exciting though.

158. Did you ever wear someone else’s clothes?
Yea, I wear my boyfriend’s clothes all the time.

159. Ever ridden in an ambulance?
No.

160. Ever ridden in a helicopter?
No.

161. Ever caught the stove on fire?
The stove??? No…

162. Ever meet someone famous?
Yes, artists from bands I like and one of the actors from Twilight.

163. Ever been on an airplane?
No.

164. Ever been on a boat?
Yes. I went on a cruise once and my dad has a speedboat.

165. Ever broken something expensive?
Not unless cars count.

166. Did you ever kiss someone before you were 14?
I believe so. I was in eighth grade.

167. Did you ever find something valuable on the ground?
I’ve found money on the ground before. Most was probably $20.

Wedding Bells

Little girls and young women depicted in movies and TV shows always seem to be planning and romanticizing the day that they will marry their true love. Personally, I’ve never seen this. Weddings were not something that my friends and I ever even mentioned growing up. Maybe they were secretly daydreaming about them, but I certainly never was. I spent most of my life being pretty indifferent to the idea of marriage. It was just something you did. I felt the same way about having children. I never had a longing or desire to have children, but when I was younger it didn’t seem like it was a choice. I assumed I’d have children one day because, once again, that’s just what people did.

As I got older and realized that I was free to craft my own unique life as an adult, I immediately dropped both of those traditional milestones. It was actually quite a relief to realize that I didn’t have to have children if I didn’t want to. Marriage was a bit more complicated though. While I didn’t fantasize about my wedding, I was constantly preoccupied with the thought of finding a loving partner to share my life with. Whether or not we got married didn’t matter. However, once I broke free of the indoctrination of religion, the word marriage left a sour taste in my mouth. It conjured images of a bully of a God, forcing my hand, demanding my life follow a certain order, fit a certain mold. Weddings, in my mind, were inextricably woven together with Christianity. Therefore, I wanted no part of either one. Not getting married became an act of rebellion and defiance that I took pride in.

Now that my passionate disgust with religion has largely subsided, the idea of marriage has once again presented itself to me for consideration. My boyfriend, surprisingly, seems much more intent on being married someday than I ever was. He was even engaged before his ex imploded the relationship. Even though we’ve only been dating for a few months, he’s already brought up song ideas for the first dance at our wedding. In the past, this would have sent me running for the hills. He’s already talking about getting married? Yikes. Strangely, with him, it just fills me with tender feelings and eager anticipation. I would actually love to marry him, if only to make him happy.

I haven’t mentioned any of this to him, mostly because I don’t want him to get too excited and go out and buy a ring. (Which I think he very well might, if he knew it wouldn’t scare me away.) But I have been indulging myself with silly daydreams about our wedding day. I’ve been wanting to explore my inner world and exercise my creativity by allowing myself to daydream more often. This seemed like the perfect, if not cliche, subject to start with. I’ve been having such a fun time looking at pictures of rings I might like. I thought today it might also be fun to collect some pictures of other aspects I’d like to include in my imaginary wedding.

For rings, I’ve always wanted something with rose gold. I also love the ones that fit together with the wedding band as a set, like my mother’s.

• 

• 

I like the look of vintage/boho wedding dresses:

• 

• 

I’d love a messy, braided updo for my hair:

• 

• 

That’s about as far as I’ve gotten. But I’ve been having such a fun time playing around with the idea in my head. Personally, I still don’t care whether or not I ever get married, but it’s still nice to pretend. Plus I’d like to have some ideas in mind, in the event that I do get to make my sweet boyfriend happy with a wedding. Let me know what you think of my selections. Also did you daydream about weddings and marriage as a kid? Did your ideas about marriage change as you got older? I’d love to know what your thoughts on this subject are.

Exploring the Mind

Still immersed in How to Change Your Mind by Michael Pollan, I have been unable to prevent the psychedelic perspective from penetrating my every thought. I am desperate to find some free time in which I can start experimenting with my own spiritually centered trips. One of the things I find most interesting about psychedelics is the revelations people often experience while taking them. It’s not as if these insights are new. They are usually a reflection of things that have become platitudes: We are all one, love conquers all, we have the ability to choose our own reality, make our own happiness, etc. This is one of the reasons I find it so difficult to express the psychedelic experience to those who haven’t taken these drugs for themselves. It’s almost too hard to put into words and make sense of in my own head, let alone translate it to others. It’s similar to the way we can pass along knowledge, but not wisdom. There is something ineffable about the experience that solidifies the truth of the realizations that come with it.

Pollan’s book talks a lot about the seemingly limitless potential of these drugs to treat mental illness, comfort the dying, and even improve the quality of life for average, healthy people. What it hasn’t seemed to touch on yet though is the implications these psychedelic experiences have in regard to our minds in general. Sure we are introducing a foreign substance to our brains, but the pathways it activates are already inside of us, just waiting to be utilized. People have already found ways to access these mental pathways through breathwork alone, without the use of any substances. What does all this mean when it comes to our limited perspectives and perception of ourselves, others, and the world around us?

As a child, unburdened by biases or expectations, the world seems like quite a fantastical place. We’re present, we’re in the moment, we’re open to new experiences and ways of thinking. Understandably, that changes as we age. The more time we spend looking at the world through a certain lens, the more it begins to feel like that’s the only lens there is. We forget that we haven’t always thought or felt the way we currently do, and that others don’t think, feel, or react in the same ways that we do. Wouldn’t it be amazing to take a peak into the mind of someone else for just a few moments? Or better yet, to truly know the full capabilities of our own brains?

It’s frustrating and fascinating to realize that no one will ever truly know what it feels like to be anyone else. We take for granted that as human beings we are pretty much the same, but how alike are we really? So much of our experience of life is private and uniquely personal. The way our minds work are too complex for us to fully grasp, despite how far science has come. One of the issues psychedelic researchers have is how to quantify and categorize such personal, subjective experiences into usable data. Science has been relegated to the very limited realm of objective facts and observable behaviors/phenomenon. It seems we haven’t quite figured out a way to explore and understand subjective experiences, despite what a huge impact these things have in the world.

I suppose subjective subjects are better left to philosophers than scientists. However, one thing that is mentioned in Pollan’s book is the suggestible nature of a psychedelic experience. Whatever you are primed to experience is most likely what you will experience during your trip. Just like in a lot of other ways, in this way psychedelics seem like a hyper-intense reflection of reality in general. Our perceptions of everyday life are also highly suggestible, especially in childhood when the rigid patterns in our minds that psychedelics break down, haven’t yet been formed. If you wake up each morning and tell yourself you’re going to have a bad day full of tedious, tiresome activities, you probably will. On the other hand, if you can make yourself believe you’re going to have an amazing day filled with smiles and laughter and new adventures, you probably will! The external circumstances can be exactly the same.

It is impossible to imagine just how many different ways of thinking exist in the world. I believe we are each capable of experiencing all of these perspectives. More than any physical barrier, what holds us back most in life are our own limiting beliefs. Changing them can seem impossible at times. We don’t usually choose to believe what we believe. It’s an amalgamation of so many different factors that manifest as a belief system. Challenging those deep-seated ideas is no small task, nor is there a clear place to start. Part of the issue comes from realizing how much these beliefs limit our ability to even imagine alternative ways of thinking.

Looking at it that way really underscores the importance of finding time for focused creativity as an adult. Creativity isn’t about what you produce. It’s about expanding the limits of our own minds so that we are better able to come up with creative solutions to our problems and allow ourselves access to more options in our inner lives. Creativity is a muscle that is not exercised nearly enough. It is completely undervalued in our schools, offices, and communities. Studies have shown that adults are drastically less creative than children. Longitudinal studies that follow the same participants over decades reveal that despite being very creative at one point, they lose the vast majority of that creativity as they grow older.

If you find yourself feeling stuck, like the world has lost it’s luster, you’re not alone. The panoramic view of existence we all enjoy in childhood becomes narrower each year. For me, it’s extremely comforting and reassuring to remind myself that there is so much I don’t know. There is so much I am incapable of even imagining. So when I begin to apathetically ask myself, “Is this all there is?” I know the answer is a resounding, “No.” There is so much more waiting to be discovered.