Sorrow rises like smoke from the ashes of a dying love it wiggles and writhes through the air mimicking my desperation to avoid to postpone these violent pangs of pain could things really be different should I reconsider this decision or am I just searching for relief from this reality I do not want which self should I trust the one that has been unsatisfied the one feeling frustration and misunderstanding or should I trust the self that feels this parting as a small death, as a gaping wound in the end I'm left wondering watching the fading embers with fear in my heart unsure of whether to keep watching or try to stoke that flame, that love that was once my life
Each time I start a romantic relationship with someone, I am reminded of just how immature I actually am. I am 27-years-old, but still I seem to be unable to speak my mind or verbalize my more complex feelings. I’m not sure why that is though. I certainly don’t lack the vocabulary to do so. More I lack the nerve. I am too afraid of the idea of being honest and vulnerable with someone. I want to avoid awkwardness at any cost.
Yesterday I had my fourth date with my vegan guy. Even though he’ll be moving away for his new job, we decided to try to spend as much time together as we can before that. We had a wonderful day that he planned out for us. I got to meet his dogs and see his house. We went to a beautiful conservatory and examined flowers together. Then we went and saw some more tourist-y parts of the city that I had never seen before. He took us to an amazing vegan restaurant. We got our food to go and took it to a park nearby to people watch as we ate. We even took cute little pictures together. Overall it was one of the most lovely days I’ve had in a while.
But even acknowledging all of that, something still feels amiss inside of me. Part of me really likes him. On paper he’s absolutely perfect. Even our dates have been more than ideal. Yet my heart is unreadable. I want to like him. I want to imagine us being together for a long time. But something inside of me hesitates. I’m not only bad at expressing my emotions to others, but I can also be quite bad at just understanding them myself. I’ve found myself in this position many times before unfortunately.
I don’t have that immediate easy connection with him that I’ve had with some people in my past. But does that mean we shouldn’t be together? Perhaps sometimes it just takes a little longer to fully get to know someone before feeling that. After years of basing my social cues on television and movies, I worry that not feeling that “spark” means we shouldn’t be together. Then again, I can’t be sure what that “spark” is even referring to. I am too inexperienced to know when to keep trying and when to move on. I feel guilty for not being sure.
Dating in this day and age is so confusing. I have to keep reminding myself that we’ve only met four times now. In that context, it doesn’t seem so unreasonable to me that I still haven’t fully decided who he is or how I feel about him. What gives me pause is that he already seems so sure he likes me. It seems like the guys I’ve met always do. I feel like that puts me in an even more awkward position. I don’t know how to keep trying to get to know them without leading them on and giving them the wrong impression about my feelings. I can never tell if I just need more time or if I really should be able to know how I feel by now.
I don’t have that nervous, giddy, excitement I’ve felt in the past. I don’t know what that means though. Perhaps I’m just older now, maybe it’s my medication dulling my emotional responses again, maybe I do need more time to get to know him. I really have no idea. It could be so many different things. I just want to have faith in myself for once rather than becoming lost in all this uncertainty. Surely it can’t be so wrong to want to know someone for longer/spend more time with them before making an important judgment. I don’t know why I feel so pressured to make up my mind quickly. I’ve just got to keep reassuring myself. It’s okay to not know. It’s okay to need a long time to get to know someone. It’s okay to tell that person I still need more time. It’s okay to take as much time as I need. And it’s also okay if that person decides they don’t want to give me that time and leaves. There is nothing to be done about that. It’s far more important that I be honest with myself.