There is a slope inside us all that determines every disposition it's not a scale that can be tipped but the fixed incline of a hillside Some steep leeward cliff face, continuously crumbling as it creates long shadows the wind and sun can't reach this side a mountain cannot choose to shift Like Sisyphus we walk uphill the futile effort that must be made the only rest is rolling back down into the dust to start again
All of my idols ended up underwater the minds that mirror mine break down those that I've aspired to live up to were not able to cope with this cavern Who am I to even hope I'll survive the crushing weight that killed my heroes? the inner burden of bricks that build by the day at twenty-nine I'm barely crawling on bruised knees One more year was all it took to snuff out the soul that once sang the sweet echoes of my own spirit's silent pain I feel myself gasping, this air's already getting stale
All of this effort just keeps me breathing when it takes all your strength just to stand up it's frustrating to be told to move forward It so hard to explain why I'm struggling when I have so much to celebrate I'm just unwell, I'm just so tired I want to lie down, it's good to rest but I'm so afraid I won't be able to get up again when my body stops, my mind gets more brutal I've tried so many remedies to cure this aching each just leaves me feeling a little more defeated a little farther away from any hope I may have held onto I know it's not right for me to keep complaining do you think this is how I want to be? I'm writhing to be something better than me Or even to be nothing would be a relief
I've gotten so used to numbing myself I can't tell, does this hurt? all I can feel is this flickering itch a buzzing, deep hum that smells like fear Thick plumes of smoke obscure all hope heavily sedated from breathing black air every added second makes me more tired it's so much easier to just sleep
It's all too much, I can't keep up I don't understand how others cope with the never ending avalanche of ever increasing daily tasks Feels like I've been gasping for air since the beginning of autumn how can I rest while treading water I can't keep my head up any longer Add on the guilt of ultimately knowing that my life is so good compared to many ashamed of being so terribly ungrateful terrified of what will happen if it gets worse I wish I could step outside of space and time for just a second to scream and cry release this nervous tension that is always growing, eating me alive
Spring is coming, just hold on I've been telling myself since October It's hard to have faith the sun will heal wounds that reopen every winter Half a year spent holding my breath how much happiness can be contained in only three short months of light most slips by as I'm fearing the next fall Spring is coming, but I don't remember what it is I've been waiting for all winter just a phantom feeling of something better Spring is coming, just hold on
I'm making everyone worry again morose reiterations of reoccurring thoughts that rend trying to explain the weight of what I'm feeling tongue-tied frustration of finding the words that would heal me People are pleading with me to go to therapy again the retched realization that I've caused fear I can't mend my grandma's sweet offer, she's telling me she'd pay sudden recoil, sinking heart, I've said the words I shouldn't say I'm hurting the people I love again allowing personal pain to pull down a friend spinning cyanide webs of sinister predictions poisoning the future with feverish convictions I'm having those scary thoughts again the ones where I savor this story's end whispered suggestions from seductive self-harm running my fingers over those old marks on my arm...
It's not fair I can't fall asleep with the trees every winter and only rise again when the distant sun returns being left abandoned in this windswept landscape is too much agony to endure year after year Left to live as a corpse in this cold darkness denied the sweet slumber offered to half of nature unable to escape into an expanded unconsciousness until I am awaked by the scent of spring flowers Half my life is wasted waiting for the thaw huddled into myself for safety and warmth where the beauty of the silent snow cannot creep into my veins Patience is a virtue I have not been artful in the ticking clock torments me and tears me down telling me I must rise and not let time slip by while my delicate soul continues to shiver
January punishes with pale grey glances punctuated by ragged breaths of sharp wind the air is empty of all familiar affection no more lingering, soft caresses from the sun The candles have all been extinguished on hearths and families that had gathered for feasting seem to have long since dispersed and dissolved back into this new year of silent, bleak darkness Expected to set goals while my soul is frozen over exhausted by the pitiful effort of just trying to get by themes of death thud against the weather worn door while paper crane wishes are swallowed up in icy oblivion Winter is a season where time stands still and all perspective on life is lost within waiting and the halfhearted insistence I'll feel good again in spring promise me this practice of painful patience will pay off
Can a broken brain really fix itself? maybe it requires a lot of help but how can you seek out something you're already certain you don't deserve? I've tried relentlessly to turn the tides of my mind toward the sun but the familiar shore of rage and despair is magnetic as it resists every effort It's gotten no easier to resist this automatic under toe of self-defeating thoughts when it pulls my head below the waves so swiftly and with such strength Self-love practices that once felt like salvation have turned sour under the miasma of this mind shame and disappointment have piled onto the frustration of not being able to be different I had really hoped that it was a choice that I could decide to feel better but now I doubt that it's fully true there are more factors to change than sheer will It feels like an attack to keep hearing it's up to me when I've been trying my very best but it's still not enough to get by I guess I should be glad it worked for a little while
Protect the Innocent 