Inclined to Suffer

There is a slope inside us all
that determines every disposition
it's not a scale that can be tipped
but the fixed incline of a hillside

Some steep leeward cliff face, continuously
crumbling as it creates long shadows
the wind and sun can't reach this side
a mountain cannot choose to shift

Like Sisyphus we walk uphill
the futile effort that must be made
the only rest is rolling back down
into the dust to start again 

Slow Suffocation

All of my idols ended up underwater
the minds that mirror mine break down
those that I've aspired to live up to
were not able to cope with this cavern

Who am I to even hope I'll survive
the crushing weight that killed my heroes?
the inner burden of bricks that build by the day
at twenty-nine I'm barely crawling on bruised knees

One more year was all it took
to snuff out the soul that once sang
the sweet echoes of my own spirit's silent pain
I feel myself gasping, this air's already getting stale

Unseen Effort

All of this effort just keeps me breathing
when it takes all your strength just to stand up
it's frustrating to be told to move forward

It so hard to explain why I'm struggling
when I have so much to celebrate
I'm just unwell, I'm just so tired

I want to lie down, it's good to rest but
I'm so afraid I won't be able to get up again
when my body stops, my mind gets more brutal

I've tried so many remedies to cure this aching
each just leaves me feeling a little more defeated
a little farther away from any hope I may have held onto

I know it's not right for me to keep complaining
do you think this is how I want to be?
I'm writhing to be something better than me

Or even to be nothing would be a relief

It’s Too Much

It's all too much, I can't keep up
I don't understand how others cope
with the never ending avalanche
of ever increasing daily tasks

Feels like I've been gasping for air
since the beginning of autumn
how can I rest while treading water
I can't keep my head up any longer

Add on the guilt of ultimately knowing
that my life is so good compared to many
ashamed of being so terribly ungrateful
terrified of what will happen if it gets worse

I wish I could step outside of space and time
for just a second to scream and cry
release this nervous tension that is
always growing, eating me alive

Waiting for Spring

Spring is coming, just hold on
I've been telling myself since October
It's hard to have faith the sun will heal
wounds that reopen every winter

Half a year spent holding my breath
how much happiness can be contained
in only three short months of light
most slips by as I'm fearing the next fall

Spring is coming, but I don't remember
what it is I've been waiting for all winter
just a phantom feeling of something better
Spring is coming, just hold on

Months Without Sun

I'm making everyone worry again
morose reiterations of reoccurring thoughts that rend
trying to explain the weight of what I'm feeling
tongue-tied frustration of finding the words that would heal me

People are pleading with me to go to therapy again
the retched realization that I've caused fear I can't mend
my grandma's sweet offer, she's telling me she'd pay
sudden recoil, sinking heart, I've said the words I shouldn't say

I'm hurting the people I love again
allowing personal pain to pull down a friend
spinning cyanide webs of sinister predictions
poisoning the future with feverish convictions

I'm having those scary thoughts again
the ones where I savor this story's end
whispered suggestions from seductive self-harm
running my fingers over those old marks on my arm...

Let Me Sleep

It's not fair I can't fall asleep with the trees every winter
and only rise again when the distant sun returns
being left abandoned in this windswept landscape
is too much agony to endure year after year

Left to live as a corpse in this cold darkness
denied the sweet slumber offered to half of nature
unable to escape into an expanded unconsciousness
until I am awaked by the scent of spring flowers

Half my life is wasted waiting for the thaw
huddled into myself for safety and warmth
where the beauty of the silent snow
cannot creep into my veins

Patience is a virtue I have not been artful in
the ticking clock torments me and tears me down
telling me I must rise and not let time slip by
while my delicate soul continues to shiver

January 2023

January punishes with pale grey glances
punctuated by ragged breaths of sharp wind
the air is empty of all familiar affection
no more lingering, soft caresses from the sun

The candles have all been extinguished on hearths
and families that had gathered for feasting
seem to have long since dispersed and dissolved
back into this new year of silent, bleak darkness

Expected to set goals while my soul is frozen over
exhausted by the pitiful effort of just trying to get by
themes of death thud against the weather worn door
while paper crane wishes are swallowed up in icy oblivion

Winter is a season where time stands still
and all perspective on life is lost within waiting and
the halfhearted insistence I'll feel good again in spring
promise me this practice of painful patience will pay off 

It Doesn’t Feel Like a Choice

Can a broken brain really fix itself?
maybe it requires a lot of help
but how can you seek out something
you're already certain you don't deserve?

I've tried relentlessly to turn
the tides of my mind toward the sun
but the familiar shore of rage and despair
is magnetic as it resists every effort

It's gotten no easier to resist this automatic
under toe of self-defeating thoughts
when it pulls my head below the waves
so swiftly and with such strength

Self-love practices that once felt like salvation
have turned sour under the miasma of this mind
shame and disappointment have piled onto the
frustration of not being able to be different

I had really hoped that it was a choice
that I could decide to feel better
but now I doubt that it's fully true
there are more factors to change than sheer will

It feels like an attack to keep hearing it's up to me
when I've been trying my very best
but it's still not enough to get by
I guess I should be glad it worked for a little while