Just a Dream

I mentioned in another post that I may from time to time share my dreams with you on here. I don’t have anything I’d particularly like to write about today, but I did have a very unsettling, gripping dream. So I thought I might as well share it. Besides writing it out right after I wake up always helps me to remember it better.

In this dream last night I was in some kind of alternate universe. I and some other people were being pursued across this desolate wasteland of a world. I can’t really remember what was going to happen to us if we were caught. The beginnings of this dream are getting blurrier by the moment I’m afraid. I do remember strangely being in the point of view of someone other than myself crawling through very narrow passageways behind walls. They discovered a meth stash. Apparently other people were using these passageways. Then a rat chased them out.

The part that remains crystal clear is a conversation I had with someone I didn’t know. I believe they were once on the side of the people pursuing us. I was talking to them about a boy I used to love. It seemed like he was a main player on the side of the pursuers. He had gone completely insane. I remember asking what had happened to his girlfriend and their son. I was told that he had killed them both the day he went mad. That was also the day when this whole post-apocalyptic nightmare began.

I remember feeling bad for him. I thought the girlfriend deserved it for manipulating him, but I felt bad for the baby who had obviously been innocent. I also felt bad for the boy I loved. I felt bad that he had come to this.

I was resting my head on the shoulder of the person I was talking to. He had his arm around me loosely. I told him how hard it was that I had been rejected in favor of this woman who eventually drove him to insanity. This woman that took advantage of him, latched onto him, sucked his life from him like a leech. I told him about how small that made me feel. Still makes me feel. That I wasn’t good enough. I was even less desirable than someone like that.

I guess I just woke up after that. It has been quite a while since that boy has been a part of my dreams. My subconscious must still be suffering from all the grief he’s caused me. I wonder if I’ll ever stop dreaming of him.

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A Profound Dream

I have always been deeply interested in dreams. I have found them fascinating since I was a young child. They are so mysterious. I am endlessly amazed at the things my unconscious brain is able to create for me each night while I sleep.

Recently I have gotten better at remembering them as well. I’ve been writing them down in my bullet journal once I wake up. The night before last I had a disturbing visceral dream that one of my toes just fell off. It was grotesque. It hurt, but not as bad as having a toe really fall off would have. There was hardly any blood and the stump left on my foot looked as if it had already been healing for a few months. I tried to tape the tip back on in the hopes it would reattach, but I knew somehow it wouldn’t work and that the awful toe tip I had in my hand was already dead.

Now, compare that monstrous dream to the one I had last night. I don’t remember all of the dream, just the end. I was having a conversation with someone. They were basically feeling pity for me and expressing how sad it was that I hadn’t found a romantic partner and may never find one. I was desperately trying to help them understand that they shouldn’t feel bad for me. I remember the phrasing perfectly as I replied to them, “Even if I never find someone that loves me in that way, I won’t be sad. I am so grateful for all of the other kinds of love that I’ve been lucky enough to have in this life.”

I could feel that grateful feeling even after I awoke. I often find myself caring the emotional state of my dreams over into the waking world with me. But I’ve never really had a dream like that before. It was simply beautiful. Usually my dreams are far more bizarre and unrealistic, as you can see from the other one I mentioned.

What a kind thing my unconscious mind has done for me as I rested. I hope that those words and that feeling of peaceful gratitude remain with me for a long time.