My higher self hides sweet droplets of honey dew inside my head glistening gifts given to ensure a good night's sleep The best self-care is kindled deep within my dreams a dependable dripping of sustenance I am so grateful to devour Sleep ensures I am swaddled within all the sensations the waking world lacks a nightly reprieve from suffering sharing space with you in my soul A tender treat from my unconscious mind to tide me over on this tiresome journey far away from where I would like to be sometimes it's enough to be happy as I sleep
Why do you still seep through my subconscious and sour my dreams with your familiar scent? even when I finally feel sure I can let go your phantom reappears to pierce my heart Months of black void nights suddenly ended with blurry images and emotions on fire still razor sharp after all these years bleeding out onto my white sheets as I sleep Even the me inside my mind has grown weary of your semi-frequent infiltration last night I told you I wished you'd never have come back into my life at all Even so, there is something distracting about the way nothing else feels real after our unconscious encounters everything else becomes hollow For this reason some part of me still savors the sweet drops of pain you produce within me a reminder of the tender stirring I once felt inside a stark contrast to the silence that now smothers
Just a Dream
I mentioned in another post that I may from time to time share my dreams with you on here. I don’t have anything I’d particularly like to write about today, but I did have a very unsettling, gripping dream. So I thought I might as well share it. Besides writing it out right after I wake up always helps me to remember it better.
In this dream last night I was in some kind of alternate universe. I and some other people were being pursued across this desolate wasteland of a world. I can’t really remember what was going to happen to us if we were caught. The beginnings of this dream are getting blurrier by the moment I’m afraid. I do remember strangely being in the point of view of someone other than myself crawling through very narrow passageways behind walls. They discovered a meth stash. Apparently other people were using these passageways. Then a rat chased them out.
The part that remains crystal clear is a conversation I had with someone I didn’t know. I believe they were once on the side of the people pursuing us. I was talking to them about a boy I used to love. It seemed like he was a main player on the side of the pursuers. He had gone completely insane. I remember asking what had happened to his girlfriend and their son. I was told that he had killed them both the day he went mad. That was also the day when this whole post-apocalyptic nightmare began.
I remember feeling bad for him. I thought the girlfriend deserved it for manipulating him, but I felt bad for the baby who had obviously been innocent. I also felt bad for the boy I loved. I felt bad that he had come to this.
I was resting my head on the shoulder of the person I was talking to. He had his arm around me loosely. I told him how hard it was that I had been rejected in favor of this woman who eventually drove him to insanity. This woman that took advantage of him, latched onto him, sucked his life from him like a leech. I told him about how small that made me feel. Still makes me feel. That I wasn’t good enough. I was even less desirable than someone like that.
I guess I just woke up after that. It has been quite a while since that boy has been a part of my dreams. My subconscious must still be suffering from all the grief he’s caused me. I wonder if I’ll ever stop dreaming of him.
A Profound Dream
I have always been deeply interested in dreams. I have found them fascinating since I was a young child. They are so mysterious. I am endlessly amazed at the things my unconscious brain is able to create for me each night while I sleep.
Recently I have gotten better at remembering them as well. I’ve been writing them down in my bullet journal once I wake up. The night before last I had a disturbing visceral dream that one of my toes just fell off. It was grotesque. It hurt, but not as bad as having a toe really fall off would have. There was hardly any blood and the stump left on my foot looked as if it had already been healing for a few months. I tried to tape the tip back on in the hopes it would reattach, but I knew somehow it wouldn’t work and that the awful toe tip I had in my hand was already dead.
Now, compare that monstrous dream to the one I had last night. I don’t remember all of the dream, just the end. I was having a conversation with someone. They were basically feeling pity for me and expressing how sad it was that I hadn’t found a romantic partner and may never find one. I was desperately trying to help them understand that they shouldn’t feel bad for me. I remember the phrasing perfectly as I replied to them, “Even if I never find someone that loves me in that way, I won’t be sad. I am so grateful for all of the other kinds of love that I’ve been lucky enough to have in this life.”
I could feel that grateful feeling even after I awoke. I often find myself caring the emotional state of my dreams over into the waking world with me. But I’ve never really had a dream like that before. It was simply beautiful. Usually my dreams are far more bizarre and unrealistic, as you can see from the other one I mentioned.
What a kind thing my unconscious mind has done for me as I rested. I hope that those words and that feeling of peaceful gratitude remain with me for a long time.