The other day, I was exposed to Covid and feared I would have to quarantine the very weekend my boyfriend was supposed to come home for a few days. I wrote a post about it earlier in the week, right before I went and got tested. In that post, my focus was on learning to sit with uncertainty. All at once, a four day weekend I had been looking forward to for over a month threatened to disappear in an instant. Not only had I been exposed to Covid, but there was a tornado near where Nate was away at training. Nate was sent home early, with the caveat that he may also have to go back early, spoiling our plans.
That night as I talked with Nate on the phone, I could hear the unrest and discomfort in his voice at all these sudden changes. Neither one of us knew what would happen in a few days time. I tried to remain hopeful while also making peace with the worst case scenario. No matter what the outcome was, I was prepared to stay positive. For the first time in a long time, I had complete faith that the universe would deliver me exactly where I needed to be, even if that wasn’t where I had wanted to go.
When I received my email with a negative test result yesterday evening, I felt overjoyed. At nearly the exact same time, I also got word from Nate that he would still be allowed to keep our plans. Not only that, but now we would have an extra day together. It felt as though the surface tension of uncertainty had finally broken. All was well. I was relieved, grateful, and even felt proud. I was proud of myself for being able to surrender to the unexpected. It felt as though my trust in the universe had resulted in a reward. When all these issues first arose, I told Nate that we had either been blessed or cursed. Only time would tell which. Turns out that we were blessed.
I feel so reassured and even emboldened by the events of the last few days. I had been able to surrender to the universe, to the unknown, and I had been rewarded for my faith. Normally it is quite hard for me to lean into unexpected situations. But this experience has taught me an invaluable lesson: that it is okay to trust. I have everything that I need. I have always had everything that I need. I will always have everything that I need. The universe has and continues to take such excellent care of me. I am so grateful.
I taste the thick sweetness
of summer air
A shimmer of satisfaction
ripples through me
Enveloped in a world
so miraculous and perfect
humbled by the chance
to simply be
my soul sings sweetly along
with the heartbeat of existence
So much beauty to behold
the many layers of this life
an endless spiraling
inwards and outwards
far past infinity
Unfurling like a flower
to the sunlight
my innermost essence
opens to encompass
the vast vibrations
of this earth
Five superpowers called senses
ten fingers, ten toes
a body that heals and grows
a brain that questions and creates
at one with all there is
but also somehow separate
How sublime it is to surrender
to the deep knowing in our bones
that stardust inside of us
that says, "all is well"
that tells us, "have faith,
and you will find all you seek"
Everything’s a cycle. You’ve gotta let it come to you. And when it does, you will know what to do.
– Bright Eyes
Happy spring, everyone! I am so pleased to welcome this most lovely of seasons back again. While I adore the summer months, spring is probably my true favorite. There is nothing quite like the fresh, bright, vibrant energy of this time of year. There is so much beauty in contrast. I’ve always found it funny the way 55-60 degree weather in the fall seems dreadfully cold to me, yet the very same temperature is a godsend in the spring. At the end of the year I’d consider this weather too chilly for a walk, but now I am itching to be outdoors in the sunshine again. I used to dream about moving somewhere south so that I wouldn’t have to experience the snow and bitter cold of winter every year, but as I’ve grown older I’ve developed an attachment to this area of the country. Sometimes we need to face discomfort or adversity in order to fully appreciate and savor the rest of life. There is a lot that the cycling of seasons has to teach us if we are willing to witness their endless unfolding.
There is a strange comfort that repetition brings us. This constant ebb and flow that exists everywhere in this life is truly something beautiful to behold. This constant churning keeps life from becoming stagnant. It really is true that it’s possible to have too much of a good thing. Without the colorless cold, the bitter wind, the once lush trees reduced to creaking black skeletons, we would not be able to fully appreciate watching the landscape come alive again. We wouldn’t be able to experience this bustling, rustling, vibrating energy as the earth comes alive once more. The sensation of new life, of awakening, of hope that spring stirs within us is unparalleled. It never gets old no matter how many years we have had here.
Spring reminds us that we need not fear the winter. It also insinuates that we need not fear even death. Imagine how frightened the first conscious creatures were that lived through winter. Surely with no guarantee, I would have assumed all was ending forever. Just as many of us feel facing death without faith in a god or an afterlife. There are no guarantees. No scientific evidence that we can analyze to suggest that anything exists beyond our final breaths. Still I find my own kind of faith in all of the cycles I see around me every day. Some cycles are as short as the ever-present rhythm of the breath, some are too long for us to comprehend or observe in a single lifetime. But I trust in the cyclical systems that surround us, that are within us, that we are inextricably involved in. While I may not be able to say what the cycle of life and death fully looks like, or even what it means for me, I am confident it is still a cycle all the same. I may not be there to witness the spring that blooms on the other side of my existence on this earth, in this body, in this mind, but I am confident that that spring exists. But for now, while I am still here, I am going to keep trying to learn from these cycles, to be mindful of them, to be grateful for them, to be patient with them, and to honor and accept where I am within them.
Anxiety tends to chase it’s own tail. Winding you up more and more in a seemingly endless cycle. You notice yourself feeling anxious, then you get anxious about being anxious, and even more anxious because you notice the sickening cycle starting all over again. You feel out of control. You feel helpless. I least that’s the way it always goes for me.
What I’ve started to learn however, is that it’s okay to feel that way. I don’t need to run from those feelings or desperately look for a way to change them. Every moment of our lives don’t have to be full of joy and wonder. We are able to find those things in every moment, but we don’t have to. I think somehow subconsciously I began fearing that I’m wasting long spans of my life with these persistent moments of anxiety, fear, and depression. And maybe I am, but worrying about that on top of everything else certainly isn’t going to help.
Lately when I notice myself getting anxious, I try to remind myself to keep breathing. I tell myself: I am feeling anxious right now, and that is perfectly okay. I try to just notice what it feels like to be anxious rather than trying to push that awareness away. In the end I am the one labeling anxiety as bad and calm as good. But these are all just different expressions of being alive. And it’s always good to be alive. I am grateful for even the anxious moments. Because they are moments that I am experiencing in this world.
I don’t have to be afraid of my anxiety. It is just another part of who I am. I want to make peace with it. Make space for it. Make friends with it. I am trying to have faith that everything will be alright despite feeling anxious. I don’t want to run anymore. I will do my best to stand my ground and confront these difficult feelings head on.
I’m someone who is always looking for the path of least resistance. Avoiding confrontation at all costs. Sometimes I forget that it’s okay to do something even if it’s hard. Because I am strong. I am capable of doing hard things. It feels good to overcome obstacles, to face challenges. And ultimately, it’s even okay to fail. So I am going to trust myself, trust this universe, trust that everything is okay. Because even when I’m feeling afraid, somewhere deep down, some part of me knows I can do anything. I just have to trust. I just have to keep breathing, keep going, and be brave.