How can I ever forgive myself for the fire I set in ignorance and intentionally used to burn down the only place that I belong A decade spent sifting through ashes ears still ringing from the roar of the flames a warm home replaced with the unbearable weight of my own mistakes How can I ever trust myself again to hold what is precious to me when all I've ever done is ruin what I love All I can offer is to stand apart and busy my hands by sifting through the charred remains of my sanctuary forever laid solitary and silent How can I bear to move on from these ruins of a life I loved more dearly than myself to commit myself to a waking world that pales in comparison to burnt memories
Born beneath the boiling shadow of the sun burning passion manifested in flesh and bone strength and intensity transmuted into anger the slow seeping magma of explosive impatience The eternal struggle for complete control and heavy-handed attempts to tame the self an ego fed on prized intelligence poisoned by pride and arrogance Unable to reconcile opposing elements within soul of fire extinguished inside a liquid vessel boiling the healing water of the divine feminine resisting the sacred, subtle siren's call inside Energy wasted holding back the floodgates of essential intuition from my own moon exhausted endlessly by juxtaposition masculine star that refuses to surrender Undermining the powerful energy of emotion a wordless wisdom that swells just below the surface only finding security behind a wall of fire yet left untempered, all will burn Balance is a battle of uniting two opposing forces illuminating insight as a new narrative emerges inspired to uncover their nature is complementary opposites housed in one harmonious being The worthy challenge of discovering the rhythm of effort and ease in order to fully embody consciousness' stark contrasts
Fear is a fire that spreads and consumes it catches quickly in the dry underbrush of a parched heart Worry is the wind casting clouds of smoke to cut off and obscure all exits its insidious growth feels unstoppable as it overwhelms me Fear is an illusion that comes from inside it deceives and distracts until we forget the truth the recipe for salvation Love is the rumble of rain in the distance the sky opening up to silence the roaring flames Gratitude is the damp soil that stops fear's expansion the dark earth on the banks of a river flowing with waters of deep joy Love is the antidote to all that ails us the soul's immune system made strong by awe and unending connection
Great art comes from deep sadness the slithering sickness of sorrow pressed underneath paper-white skin squirming, uncomfortable energy desperate to be expelled Violent vomiting of mixed memories touching brush to canvas, fingers pressing into cool keys, bleeding ink that stains blank sheets, everything becomes an outlet A pressure valve to release the pain inspiration to spark healing something rising from the ashes of an empty home a shattered heart A true artist hurts in happiness finding a limp hand a passion lost the prickling pressure of impatience as time slowly drips Icky, slick sensation of inner walls made of oil dark and cool without a flame to ignite the stillness sending sparks of art flying Life's soft moments may be more lovely than a set of prints or the penetrating pages of a profound text but there is still a certain pleasure in the cutting motion of the all consuming chaos that came before
As a kid, I was always really into things like horoscopes. I’m not sure I ever fully believed them, but I thought they were fun and I still do. I lost interest for a while as I got older, but became intrigued again during my yoga teacher training. One of the teachers at my studio does natal charts. Up until meeting her, I had no idea that horoscopes were so complex. I thought it was all based on your sun sign and nothing more. Once you add in all the other layers such as your moon, your rising, the different houses, etc. it can become a much fuller and more accurate picture of a person. There is still so much I don’t understand about it, but would love to learn.
Yesterday, just for fun I decided to try out one of those free natal charts online. I am honestly still surprised by how accurate it was. Not only did it shock me how well I saw myself reflected in the horoscope, but I was shocked because no matter what type of “test” I take, the result seems to remain consistent. There was an unbelievable similarity between what my natal chart said and what the results of my Myers-Briggs Personality Type Inventory said. And it wasn’t just mine. Both of these tests revealed similar things for my boyfriend as well.
One of the main things I have taken from these various tests is that of the four elements, I identify most with fire. I am filled with passion and conviction. I am easily angered and can come off as aggressive when speaking about something that means a lot to me. These are things that I’ve recognized in myself for a while now. The part I only connected to this recently is my constant desire and longing. I am always reaching, searching, consuming, feeding the fire inside me. Nothing is ever enough for me. I don’t know when to stop. I am constantly trying to fill myself with food, drinks, drugs, activities, etc. But instead of being filled, I burn right through it all. The fire inside simply glows brighter for a moment, then demands more.
I’m not quite sure what to do with this information. I’ve known for a long time that nothing external will ever be able to bring me lasting peace, happiness, or comfort. Still, that hasn’t kept me from trying to satisfy myself with whatever I can get my hands on. I suppose it’s always helpful to have more of an understanding about myself and why I am the way I am. It’s just my nature. There is nothing wrong with me. We all contain aspects of the four elements inside of us. I just need to practice getting in touch with the other three that are not as prominent inside of me. Then I will hopefully be able to feel more balanced and complete.
enough has never been enough the empty space inside me cannot be filled with food or drugs or dollars perhaps its not simply space but an open furnace with an ever hungrier flame growing brighter each day ignorant of this element I feed it more and more hoping that eventually it will be enough but feeding that fire makes the heat more intense hot tongues licking bone burning me up inside without constant kindling will these flames finally flicker out or will I be the next thing to burn
Each morning when I sit down at my desk, laptop in front on me, WordPress open and waiting, I struggle to think of something to write about. I have a list I keep of a few ideas I could expound upon, but a lot of them seem too depressing to dwell on first thing in the morning. I keep losing sight of the reason I started writing again everyday in the first place. This is for me, this is to amp myself up, to get excited, to have fun. I don’t have to find a new fascinating topic to delve into every day. It really doesn’t matter what I write at all. Rather it’s the simple act of creation, of pouring myself into words on a page, with no other goal than to enjoy doing so.
I mentioned before how visualization before bed has helped me to wake up feeling better, more animated in the morning. Today I wanted to try that same visualization but in order to prepare me for the rest of my day. I have taken the next few days off from work because I had some PTO hours I needed to use up before July. Even though I am always excited for a day off, I never seem to let myself enjoy it. I get all in my head about every little moment, feeding my anxiety all throughout the day. I’m hoping that by sitting down, taking some mindful time first thing in the morning to mentally walk through my day, I’ll be able to feel more present and happy as I move through it.
Today is going to be a great day! I got to sleep in so I am feeling nice and rested. What a beautiful gift to be able to dream all through the night and wake up gently of my own volition. It’s a rather chilly day outside so I am going to spend my time warm and cozy indoors. I am going to have a very productive day. It will be a delight to clean up my house and organize things later. It will be an act of self-love. Tending to my nest so that I can feel more at home, more at peace. It will also be a great joy to show off all my hard work to my vegan boy tomorrow when he comes over again. Once my work is all done and the day is winding down, I’ll reward myself with a relaxing evening playing my new favorite video game.
Before I start my cleaning for the day, I have a lot of wonderful self-care to complete. I do most of these things every single day, yet the intention behind them has faded over time. Theses small acts aren’t supposed to be more chores for me to begrudgingly trudge through. These are small gifts to myself, chances to be present, chances to appreciate myself, my life. Today I am going to be mindful of this sweet, loving intention as I move through my to-do list.
I’ve noticed that a lot of the time while I am going about my business, I’m holding my breath! Or I’m breathing very shallow and quick. Today I am going to keep coming back to my breath. How might it feel to breathe mindfully, lovingly for an entire day? Won’t it be fun to try it out and see? Yes, fun. Above all I want to have fun today. I’m going to keep a light heart, a soft eye, a kind energy. I’m going to be curious and playful, grateful for this new day to spend with myself. My yoga practice today is going to be a celebration of this life I’ve been given, a beautiful flowing dance in tribute to my lovely body, my mother Earth. My meditation will be a much deserved rest, a surrender to that sweet mother. As I kindle that inner fire, that prana, with my workout today I will rejoice at all my body is capable of doing for me. The theme for today is passion, fire, playfulness, admiration, devotion. Each a simple word, yet able to bring such powerful emotions bubbling up to the surface.
One last intention to set before I finish up and move into the rest of my day. Today is just one day. I will focus on the time I have, not the foggy future to come. Perhaps I will have time for everything I’ve got swirling around in my busy mind eventually. Perhaps not. Either way, all I am able to do is focus on the day in front of me. There is not enough time for me to do everything. Instead I will concentrate on doing what I can. Doing it well, with deep breaths, and with many sips from the well of my own self-love.