fixation

Still Afraid

How am I supposed to keep myself
from looking at all the dark spots
in the outermost corners of everything?

How can I allow myself to ignore
the shadowy figures that linger and loom
behind every open door?

It's just a few sinister places
the fuzzy edges of uncertain horrors
that manage to grip me entirely

Even while the spring expands and sprinkles pollen
I can't help but continue checking every stone
and fixing my eyes on the horizon that frightens me

I want to shift my focus so I can enjoy
the beauty and pleasure placed before me
but I feel compelled to protect myself

It feels unsafe to focus on all this goodness
my spine still shivers, all hairs stand on end
and I cower beneath the ever present specter of pain

Balance of the Mind

There is a fine line between
fascination and frustration
a challenge that grips and sparks
quietly slumbering curiosity
can burn us up just as quickly

The feverish fixation of one day
becomes a chore for the next
reluctant to make commitments
for fear of past experience that
all of these flimsy fancies will fly away

Incapable of great works that require
the steady, faithful persistence of years
this fickle heart flares up at the idea
of being tied to anything for so long
longing to be cradled, not caged by consistency

Tireless effort to balance between
a comfortable edge and overwhelm
the impossible choice of stagnation
or the violence of self-destruction
left hanging idly in the middle

Fixation to Exhaustion

Swooning sensation
of new aspirations
is quickly stamped out
by self doubt slowly rising
from subconscious to surface

All energy is exhausted
in efforts to extinguish
the inward agony of
not being worthy enough
for your own endeavors

The thought itself becomes tainted
with terrible ties to negative self-talk
until all you can do is turn away
from once cherished dreams
all together

The heaviness of this heartache
is enough to halt everything
even the hopes inside your own head
that you've harbored
to help you hold on

Fixation and Focus

fixation and focus
are very different things
fixation festers and ferments 
multiplies and consumes
the subject grows
until it suffocates

focus is freedom from distraction
submerged in the present moment
the soft flow of inspiration
over a thirsty soul
finally silencing
all inner doubt

there is no comparison
between the two 
though they seem so similar
at first glance
one state we chase
the other chases us

Trading Pain for Pleasure

How much pain are you willing to put up with to keep someone close to you? I’ve been asking myself this question for a long time now. Some days I feel like I would sacrifice anything just to have that special connection. Other days I wonder if it’s really worth it, if I’m just addicted to reopening old wounds in a desperate attempt to feel something again. I can never decide what would truly be best for me. Should I try to protect myself and try to give up these feelings? Or should I follow what I feel no matter how painful the outcome? Can I really trust these feelings? Or am I deluding myself?

I always feel like there are two sides of me constantly arguing with each other. My brain, my logical self says, “Move on! You are being stupid. This is pathetic. You are romanticizing the past. There is nothing but suffering to be had by clinging to a memory.” But my heart, my emotional self says, “Nothing else makes me feel like this. Nothing else makes me feel anything. That has to mean something. I don’t know what, but I can’t ignore this pull. Everything else seems grey by comparison.” My brain interrupts in protest as I try to express this ineffable feeling, “You are a literal crazy person. You are one of those creepy, stalker, weirdos. You’ve lost sight of reality.” The shame and embarrassment of this likely conclusion usually halts me in my tracks, keeps me from acting, keeps me from even pondering the question anymore.

I am so terrified that any further attempts to reach out will only reinforce this idea in the mind of this other person. Is that how they see me already? Would they be right in seeing me that way? Maybe so. For the longest time, I felt cheated and insulted by the idea of mere friendship. Now I am horrified that I turned my nose up at such a generous offer. After all that I have done, I don’t really even deserve that. And maybe because of those past mistakes, those egregious, selfish acts, I should resign myself to this bond being forever severed.

I’ve genuinely never felt closer to anyone, never been known so deeply by anyone, never cared to know anyone else so deeply in return. But perhaps this fixation, this constant clinging, is what has been preventing me from developing any other significant relationships. Then again, I always come back to the question: Is it even up to me? Am I even able to truly let this go, even if I decided I wanted to? It seems like right now, the best I can manage to do is go numb, to not think about it. In fact, just writing this all out has left me emotionally exhausted. I think it’s about time to stop for now.

Energy Flows Where Attention Goes

I keep focusing on the wrong things. Then the wrong things become everything.
The Front Bottoms

Last night I had a little, friend Christmas with my sister, our best friend, and their partners. It was a wonderful time. We had some drinks. We got super high. We exchanged gifts. We played games. And we shared delicious food along with each others’ company. Truly a night to be grateful for.

However, as I was driving home, I was angry. You see, I had a fancy mini bottle of Grey Goose Vodka that I was gifted at work. I had a few shots of it myself, and did bring it with the intention to share. However, my sister’s boyfriend was the only one who drank any of it besides the little I had. I have only met him once before this. He never asked before helping himself time and time again. And at the end of the night I made my way home with a practically empty bottle.

My head was swimming with accusations and indignation. The nerve! I don’t very much like this character any more! How rude can you be! I was fuming. But then I stopped in my tracks. Why on earth was I choosing to focus on that one small aspect of my night? It dawned on me that I always seem to do this. If even one little thing goes wrong, I fixate on just that. I ignore all the delightful parts of any situation in favor of a tiny imperfect detail. I am being ungrateful. I am taking the good stuff for granted.

I was so relieved when I remembered that I can choose where I want to place my focus. Yes, the vodka thing did happen, and it kinda sucked. But that was by no means the most important or significant thing that happened yesterday! I got to spend a Christmas-y evening with some of my favorite people in the world. I was given thoughtful, wonderful gifts. I was given good food, drinks, and drugs. I had a great time. I laughed and smiled more than I have in a long time. I got to watch the joy on my loved ones faces as they unwrapped their gifts that I put so much thought, effort, and love into.

What a difference attention can make. It can turn a wonderful night into something to be angry about. It can turn a banal day into an extremely stressful one. But it can also turn a tragedy into something to be grateful for. We can’t control what happens to us, but we always have the power to choose where we place our attention. And that is such an incredibly powerful thing.