Why do you still seep through my subconscious
and sour my dreams with your familiar scent?
even when I finally feel sure I can let go
your phantom reappears to pierce my heart
Months of black void nights suddenly ended
with blurry images and emotions on fire
still razor sharp after all these years
bleeding out onto my white sheets as I sleep
Even the me inside my mind has grown weary
of your semi-frequent infiltration
last night I told you I wished you'd never
have come back into my life at all
Even so, there is something distracting
about the way nothing else feels real
after our unconscious encounters
everything else becomes hollow
For this reason some part of me still savors
the sweet drops of pain you produce within me
a reminder of the tender stirring I once felt inside
a stark contrast to the silence that now smothers
The sleepy sun begins to blink
after months of brightly beaming
suddenly realizing the long, hot days
have started to wane once again
There is a stirring of pumpkin spice excitement
as the air lifts and lightens its humid grip
rising early to greet crisp, chilly mornings
with socked feet and hot mugs held tightly in cold hands
Spiced apple cider and gathering together
to face the winter slowly creeping closer
crafting grinning pumpkins to keep the
growing darkness at bay
Learning to allow myself to enjoy this season
despite the inevitable mental decline ahead
bravely barreling toward the frigid cold while
celebrating another successful season in the sun
A coyote cuts across the foggy highway
a life held inside indecision, a moment's hesitation
could be a violent end of everything all at once
Sulfurous air that once shrouded out the sun
a sudden impact that swallowed the earth
in many decades of dark, lifeless winter
Time has a way of emphasizing
the absurdity of right and wrong when
final outcomes are impossible to predict
Half the suffering I've known has been
an inner upheaval of moral outrage
resistance to the evils of this world
My stormy turmoil subsides if only
I can learn to surrender all judgement
and accept my place as a humble passenger
Who am I to hold dominion over
the way life is supposed to unfold?
I prefer the role of patient witness anyway
To watch with curious eyes and an open heart
ready to embrace all of life with equanimity
a grateful submission to existence beyond understanding
To play my small part with a soft hand
extending a gentle, hopeful intention of pure love
prepared to let go of any and all expectations
Tender feet along the balustrade, balancing
between engagement and surrender
too often falling into indignation and anger
The perpetual repetition of life can be tedious
but it offers endless chances to keep trying
precious lessons linger behind a door that is always open
Every failure is an opportunity to find grace
there is no permanence, perfection, or wasted effort
everything is as it should be, everything is as it should be
I start to get frustrated when you're away
I forget all the reasons I love you
seeds begin to stir inside my subconscious
spinning stories of mistrust and cynicism
I fill the space between us with thick shadow
unshakeable doubts that make me shudder
cringing at my own incompetence in communication
afraid of looking foolish in the face of disinterest
Prepared to push away when you pull me in
rehearsing my preemptive rejection for self-protection
perpetually surprised when I immediately melt
and let you fold me tenderly in your arms again
Set at ease by your soothing, sultry smell
the stability of warm skin under soft fingertips
stilling the tumultuous tide churning deep inside
replacing it with gently waving fields of sweet grass
Stay with me a little longer
let me linger in this sacred, silent connection
let it seep into my cells so that I cannot forget
the simple, supple harmony between our hearts
I've never admired those
who have more than me
my lip curls with contempt
at the American obsession
with wealth and power and fame
I don't want to watch documentaries
about the painfully overprivileged few
and how they rationalize their "success"
I'll stick to reading Charles Dickens
and doting on David Copperfield
Nothing is more inspiring than
learning to celebrate what you have
especially when it may not seem like much
my sentimental heart aspires toward
Beth March in Little Women
Even in imagination wanting nothing
but the pleasant company of loving family
and just enough to keep from struggling too much
just enough money to eat and enjoy one another
the softest pleasures that dollar bills can never buy
Excessive good fortune can be a distraction
my old soul has always seen through the illusion
that big business and the finer things are prerequisites
to a fully satisfying and worthwhile existence
I have no desire for sparkling falsity
I know the diamond of my happiness cannot be obtained
it is within me, buried behind solid, black rock
my tedious task, to lovingly uncover it's brilliance bit by bit
to teach my longing heart that we've always had enough
to settle into the glistening pools of gratitude already open to me
Within all the small pleasures that I take for granted
are housed the beauty and boundless joy of life
I have no interest in material fortune and wealth
what I am seeking is much more complicated,
ambiguous, and tricky to obtain
Mansions, cars, and golden rings hold no value to me
I'm not impressed by yachts and private islands
instead, I bow before the gentle, simple, silent things
my spirit has always been a flightless bird that cannot help
but to sing when its feathers are ruffled by the strong breeze
Anxiety is living life in the periphery
a mind afraid to focus on direct experience
like eyes left straining into the blurry images
produced from the outer angles of sight
Endlessly missing the opportunity
to see what's right in front of me
distracted by the desperation to see it all
before making my next move
Walking blindly into the future
while believing there is some safety
in focusing all attention on the sidelines
absorbed by unclear, obscured visions
Mastering the practice of mindfulness
the ever evolving effort to stare straight ahead
being present with what's before me rather
than apparitions hovering just out of view
Keep walking faithfully forward
syncing each breath with firm steps
resting in the reality of perpetual uncertainty
softly savoring all the surprises of life
Allowing myself to become engrossed
in the ever unfolding mirage of right now
releasing all tight tendrils of assumed control
to be submerged in this moment
Shedding the crackling layers of thought
the busy hum inside that separates us
from the splendid simplicity of the moment
embracing boredom as a sacred rest
Letting go of the desperate clinging
the endless search for answers and meaning
this life doesn't have to be anything besides
exactly what it is as we breathe here now
You're doing enough, you are enough
whether or not you've made a masterpiece
out of every second of your day
sip in inner stillness with the stale air
All tension comes from the stories we tell
our insistence that we should be somewhere else
when did it become so scary to nestle into silence
to spend hours watching the rain come and go
When did I begin to rely on the things outside myself
to be a signal for if I'm doing okay, if I'm allowed to be happy
hushing my internal guide to subscribe to other influences
surrendering my deep knowing for doubt
Even my sad days have their own worth
it's the struggle to escape them that becomes suffering
sitting with myself in the darkness is okay
being a friend to this form instead of abandoning her
I still don't know if unconditional love can be taught
or if it's already there beneath all the noise
but if this life is just spent searching and learning
what a beautiful experience it will be regardless
Hitomi Mochizuki – One of my favorite high-vibe YouTubers
This body is not an ornament
or a toy to break and replace
it is the holy vessel that holds me
and tethers me to this world
A useful container that houses the soul
perfect and precious because it is uniquely mine
the one thing I fully own, my true home
the most important gift I could be given
How ungrateful I've been for
the mortal flesh that supports me
my personal window into reality
an unconscious effort that keeps me living
Belittling all that this body does
based only on shallow self judgement
centered around outward appearance
as if that even matters
The frightened animal form
my consciousness has been assigned
to protect and take care of
offering only criticism and neglect
May I be a better steward
to this living temporary temple
and learn to speak to it with gratitude
and soft caresses of loving kindness
My multitudes are mercurial
the ever shifting sand of self
spills through tightly clenched fists
scattered by hot wind into oblivion
Not fully embodied by either
the single granular piece nor
the expansive vastness of the dunes
rather residing somewhere in between
The jarring duel perspective of being
the witness and the subject simultaneously
surreal surveillance of mind and body
fabricated force of strained separation
Taking action is a distraction
over-the-top over analyzing of reality
obscures the resounding hum of here and now
learning to let go and simply allow
Releasing the tension of assumed control
setting down the false shield of ego
to finally reveal the safety we've been seeking
was hiding behind the fear of full surrender
Sometimes I miss the days
when hating yourself was cool
now that I was good at
cigarettes and self harm
underaged drinking and drugs
from disreputable sources
not caring about my future
was a free fall into darkness
but at least it felt free
self-hatred had a shadow
of pity and compassion
I could wrap around myself
at the very end of the day
a full-bodied surrender
to unshakable sadness
Shifting perceptions of self care
can start to feel like a curse
when you can never live up
to your own expectations
shame and self-doubt stack up
the irony of forced kindness
metallic aftertaste of unworthy
a constant struggle with
the authoritarian arbiter
of my own inner voice
will it ever get easier
to give myself grace
now my shadow is self-criticism
for being utterly unable
to practice what I preach
Protect the Innocent 