Let me be again ingested by earth and soil ecstasy of worm riddled wood buried deep down soft stillness waiting below the noise and light beside the safe rhythm of small scratching paws This vessel of small energy is of no use to me it tears at sinews, begging to be released free to return to the low hum of everything haunted by the possibility of final rest Overwhelmed by constant stimulation vertigo vehicle of endless movement barreling forward at breakneck pace let me stop, let me breathe, let me be But the wind tears through the trees and the sea slowly, ceaselessly erodes the shore the relentless terror of every-flowing time has carried me past myself
All of this effort just keeps me breathing when it takes all your strength just to stand up it's frustrating to be told to move forward It so hard to explain why I'm struggling when I have so much to celebrate I'm just unwell, I'm just so tired I want to lie down, it's good to rest but I'm so afraid I won't be able to get up again when my body stops, my mind gets more brutal I've tried so many remedies to cure this aching each just leaves me feeling a little more defeated a little farther away from any hope I may have held onto I know it's not right for me to keep complaining do you think this is how I want to be? I'm writhing to be something better than me Or even to be nothing would be a relief
The Gift of Giving In
Sore fingertips, small red stains smeared across the fabric of my psyche thousands of tiny, pin-prick punctures trying to stitch gentleness in between the sudden trembling of a quick temper Shh, shh, shushing a sweltering soul don't waste these final moments with fury violent shouts for justice and change have dwindled into whispers for self surrender the somber effort of retreating inward Giving up is a final gift for myself now it's time to just sit down and learn to savor these last glimpses of blue sky to let myself have a few more brief moments to enjoy, to smile, to simply breathe Momentous effort of wrestling my willfulness to stay focused on this unfamiliar intention of unclenching my jaw, relaxing my face softening my muscles, as I practice letting go teaching myself to be present with this fleeting peace Soon enough I will have no choice but to fight and scream and suffer for now I will work on collecting all the small joys that are left for me here creating memory tonics for what's to come
What It Takes
I just don't have what it takes to improve my lot in life I thought I did everything right to make the cut to survive I don't have what it takes to struggle for years for a small chance of success in the distant future I don't have what it takes and it's hard to keep hearing I do from people that mean well but don't see that I'm already drowning I don't have what it takes to hold myself together or muster the mental fortitude to do more there isn't anything left inside to give I don't have what it takes to try harder than I am right now it's embarrassing to try to explain that this is everything I've got
Fixation to Exhaustion
Swooning sensation of new aspirations is quickly stamped out by self doubt slowly rising from subconscious to surface All energy is exhausted in efforts to extinguish the inward agony of not being worthy enough for your own endeavors The thought itself becomes tainted with terrible ties to negative self-talk until all you can do is turn away from once cherished dreams all together The heaviness of this heartache is enough to halt everything even the hopes inside your own head that you've harbored to help you hold on
Obligated to fight for change I bared my bloodied heart inside my clenched fist I was always much better at biting off heads than biting my tongue Staying silent feels like defeat it feels like surrender is the same as giving permission having the privilege to turn my back and shut my eyes to the horror of a society sliding backwards Abandoning my sisters just because I am safe sounds egregious but how can I kill myself for a cause that can't be won I'll only make things worse Trying to make an impact from a place of violence and hate only serves to further salt the soil beneath our bruised and tired feet nothing good can be grown from actions fueled by rage It's best to hold back rather than adding to the viscous chaos my modest gift must be silence sitting quietly to quell the storms inside my own soul instead of spewing more poison Please forgive me for long ago losing faith in the human race for not having the power to protect anyone but myself
Humanity is Hopeless
I haven’t had any faith in humanity for a very long time now. Yet somehow I continue to be surprised by just how loathsome and selfish the human race actually is. I really am at a loss as to what to do with myself at this point. Not only do I not believe it’s possible to save our species from the consequences of our actions, but I don’t even believe we deserve to be saved. At the very least, I’d like to believe that there is some form of greater justice in the universe that isn’t going to let us get away with all of the atrocities we have and continue to commit every day.
I am at a loss for words after the interview my coworker and I just completed this morning. After quarantining myself all weekend for what turned out to be nothing, I come into work to find the CPS worker on the case strolling into our office, maskless, sniffling and coughing. She proceeds, without any apology or shame, to talk about how she and her husband have been deathly ill for days on end. She had the nerve to laugh as she tells us about the body aches which she felt all the way down to her toenails. She might as well have wore a shirt that said fuck everyone who isn’t me and spit directly into our mouths. Despite my discomfort and embarrassment at having to do so, I handed her a mask and asked if she would please wear it. She consented thankfully, but what kind of world are we living in where I have to feel embarrassed and guilty to ask someone else to please do the absolute bare minimum to not risk the lives of others?! It’s sickening.
Not only were her actions completely reprehensible and inconsiderate to my coworkers and I, but the guardian for the child we spoke to today was a 62 year old woman. She literally might have killed that poor woman today. I suppose only time will tell. It’s people and situations like these that really make me want to just throw my hands up in the air and revoke my membership as a part of the human race. I’m truly ashamed to be a human being. I want to lie at the feet of all the other creatures of this planet and apologize until my last breath.
I’ve always wanted to make a difference in this world for the better. Even this blog was originally created with the intention of helping people find veganism and maybe contribute to some sliver of progress. I still think about ways I could use my time and energy to do something meaningful, but my hope and motivation disintegrate with the thought that always follows, “What’s the point?” It feels pretty futile to spend your time digging yourself out of a hole in the ground when you KNOW you’ll never make it, when you know your time could be just as well spent playing solitaire at the bottom of the pit instead. Why should I spend time making vegan resources or writing scholarly articles to inform people when the majority of the population can’t even seem to understand we breathe out of both our noses and our mouths? That a mask covering only your mouth is completely pointless?
I just can’t find the strength or the hope to continue on anymore. It is a bleak existence to have no future to look forward to, not only for myself personally, but for the entire globe. Why should I bother doing anything? This hopeless outlook is compounded by the baffling gaslighting I receive at every turn. It’s one thing to be gaslit by a spouse, friend, or family member, it’s quite another to be gaslit by the whole world. Maybe that’s the wrong term though. I think a gaslighter knows what they’re saying is bullshit. I really think people are too stupid or blind or afraid to admit the fate that soon awaits us all. And I get it, it’s too much for anyone to bear. Still, it would be nice to not have to bear it alone anymore.