Desperate for Rest

Let me be again ingested by earth and soil
ecstasy of worm riddled wood buried deep down
soft stillness waiting below the noise and light
beside the safe rhythm of small scratching paws

This vessel of small energy is of no use to me
it tears at sinews, begging to be released
free to return to the low hum of everything
haunted by the possibility of final rest

Overwhelmed by constant stimulation
vertigo vehicle of endless movement
barreling forward at breakneck pace
let me stop, let me breathe, let me be

But the wind tears through the trees
and the sea slowly, ceaselessly erodes the shore
the relentless terror of every-flowing time
has carried me past myself

Unseen Effort

All of this effort just keeps me breathing
when it takes all your strength just to stand up
it's frustrating to be told to move forward

It so hard to explain why I'm struggling
when I have so much to celebrate
I'm just unwell, I'm just so tired

I want to lie down, it's good to rest but
I'm so afraid I won't be able to get up again
when my body stops, my mind gets more brutal

I've tried so many remedies to cure this aching
each just leaves me feeling a little more defeated
a little farther away from any hope I may have held onto

I know it's not right for me to keep complaining
do you think this is how I want to be?
I'm writhing to be something better than me

Or even to be nothing would be a relief

The Gift of Giving In

Sore fingertips, small red stains
smeared across the fabric of my psyche
thousands of tiny, pin-prick punctures
trying to stitch gentleness in between
the sudden trembling of a quick temper

Shh, shh, shushing a sweltering soul
don't waste these final moments with fury
violent shouts for justice and change have
dwindled into whispers for self surrender
the somber effort of retreating inward

Giving up is a final gift for myself
now it's time to just sit down and learn
to savor these last glimpses of blue sky
to let myself have a few more brief moments
to enjoy, to smile, to simply breathe

Momentous effort of wrestling my willfulness
to stay focused on this unfamiliar intention
of unclenching my jaw, relaxing my face
softening my muscles, as I practice letting go
teaching myself to be present with this fleeting peace

Soon enough I will have no choice
but to fight and scream and suffer
for now I will work on collecting
all the small joys that are left for me here
creating memory tonics for what's to come

What It Takes

I just don't have what it takes
to improve my lot in life
I thought I did everything right
to make the cut to survive

I don't have what it takes
to struggle for years for
a small chance of success
in the distant future

I don't have what it takes
and it's hard to keep hearing I do
from people that mean well
but don't see that I'm already drowning

I don't have what it takes
to hold myself together or muster
the mental fortitude to do more
there isn't anything left inside to give

I don't have what it takes
to try harder than I am right now
it's embarrassing to try to explain
that this is everything I've got

Fixation to Exhaustion

Swooning sensation
of new aspirations
is quickly stamped out
by self doubt slowly rising
from subconscious to surface

All energy is exhausted
in efforts to extinguish
the inward agony of
not being worthy enough
for your own endeavors

The thought itself becomes tainted
with terrible ties to negative self-talk
until all you can do is turn away
from once cherished dreams
all together

The heaviness of this heartache
is enough to halt everything
even the hopes inside your own head
that you've harbored
to help you hold on   

Outrage Fatigue

Obligated to fight for change
I bared my bloodied heart
inside my clenched fist
I was always much better
at biting off heads than
biting my tongue

Staying silent feels like defeat
it feels like surrender is
the same as giving permission
having the privilege to turn my back
and shut my eyes to the horror
of a society sliding backwards

Abandoning my sisters
just because I am safe
sounds egregious
but how can I kill myself
for a cause that can't be won
I'll only make things worse

Trying to make an impact
from a place of violence and hate
only serves to further salt the soil
beneath our bruised and tired feet
nothing good can be grown from
actions fueled by rage

It's best to hold back rather than
adding to the viscous chaos
my modest gift must be silence
sitting quietly to quell the storms
inside my own soul instead of
spewing more poison

Please forgive me
for long ago losing faith
in the human race
for not having the power
to protect anyone
but myself

Humanity is Hopeless

I haven’t had any faith in humanity for a very long time now. Yet somehow I continue to be surprised by just how loathsome and selfish the human race actually is. I really am at a loss as to what to do with myself at this point. Not only do I not believe it’s possible to save our species from the consequences of our actions, but I don’t even believe we deserve to be saved. At the very least, I’d like to believe that there is some form of greater justice in the universe that isn’t going to let us get away with all of the atrocities we have and continue to commit every day.

I am at a loss for words after the interview my coworker and I just completed this morning. After quarantining myself all weekend for what turned out to be nothing, I come into work to find the CPS worker on the case strolling into our office, maskless, sniffling and coughing. She proceeds, without any apology or shame, to talk about how she and her husband have been deathly ill for days on end. She had the nerve to laugh as she tells us about the body aches which she felt all the way down to her toenails. She might as well have wore a shirt that said fuck everyone who isn’t me and spit directly into our mouths. Despite my discomfort and embarrassment at having to do so, I handed her a mask and asked if she would please wear it. She consented thankfully, but what kind of world are we living in where I have to feel embarrassed and guilty to ask someone else to please do the absolute bare minimum to not risk the lives of others?! It’s sickening.

Not only were her actions completely reprehensible and inconsiderate to my coworkers and I, but the guardian for the child we spoke to today was a 62 year old woman. She literally might have killed that poor woman today. I suppose only time will tell. It’s people and situations like these that really make me want to just throw my hands up in the air and revoke my membership as a part of the human race. I’m truly ashamed to be a human being. I want to lie at the feet of all the other creatures of this planet and apologize until my last breath.

I’ve always wanted to make a difference in this world for the better. Even this blog was originally created with the intention of helping people find veganism and maybe contribute to some sliver of progress. I still think about ways I could use my time and energy to do something meaningful, but my hope and motivation disintegrate with the thought that always follows, “What’s the point?” It feels pretty futile to spend your time digging yourself out of a hole in the ground when you KNOW you’ll never make it, when you know your time could be just as well spent playing solitaire at the bottom of the pit instead. Why should I spend time making vegan resources or writing scholarly articles to inform people when the majority of the population can’t even seem to understand we breathe out of both our noses and our mouths? That a mask covering only your mouth is completely pointless?

I just can’t find the strength or the hope to continue on anymore. It is a bleak existence to have no future to look forward to, not only for myself personally, but for the entire globe. Why should I bother doing anything? This hopeless outlook is compounded by the baffling gaslighting I receive at every turn. It’s one thing to be gaslit by a spouse, friend, or family member, it’s quite another to be gaslit by the whole world. Maybe that’s the wrong term though. I think a gaslighter knows what they’re saying is bullshit. I really think people are too stupid or blind or afraid to admit the fate that soon awaits us all. And I get it, it’s too much for anyone to bear. Still, it would be nice to not have to bear it alone anymore.

Is the pandemic making people more generous — or more selfish? - Vox