Lingering

Hope holds me back from
making hard decisions
how long have I spent
hesitating on the threshold
of houses that were not my home

Just before my jaws close on
the final bitter bite of despair
"what if" makes me wonder
if I should put off taking that pill
for just one more day

It feels so much better
to convince myself that
this hopeless situation
is somehow salvageable
never sure enough to give up

Leaving my regrets
for the universe to decide
throwing my hands up
and hoping the next step
will be made for me in time

Soul setting out on a sailboat
praying for fair winds but
too afraid to pick up the paddles
patiently waiting at my feet
unable to acknowledge that burden

This life is mine to direct
a responsibility I cannot resign
doing nothing is also a choice
lingering in salt water is not
the same as searching for the shore

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Linger

forgive me
for still feeling so strongly
for half forgotten memories
for keeping these embers of images
ever warm inside my mind

somedays it feels like a sign
to know I can't let go
but maybe it's a sickness instead
a festering heart left
frozen in the past

regardless I'm still grateful
for the ghosts that haunt me
my comfort and my curse
I cling to the thoughts 
that tear me open

if I were offered a remedy
I don't know that I'd respond
am I willing to sacrifice 
something as sacred
as this shameful, secret joy

I'd rather linger here a little longer
with all that I've lost