Yesterday and tomorrow bleed into today and everything that matters is washed away the present moment is diluted and drowned the heavy veil of time always in the foreground Today could stand alone or float with frosted wings above the swell of swinging hands, searching for tiny somethings eventually all levees break and all that's left is to let go trust the flood of forward motion to take care of everything on its own Flowing water can't be contained, the cool caress feels nice stand in the stream of experience, knowing it won't happen twice preventing storms is not your place, they have their purpose too the heavy rains feed the soil and someday so will you
mindfulness
Enjoy It
It's time to stop and rest by the hushed rustling rhythm of blades of grass alongside the stream To let this soft cascade of breath carry away all the sharp edges of this life and tickle the small hairs on my bare neck There will be plenty of time to worry and plan but right now it is spring and I am in love these are the moments I've prayed for So hush this racing heart and mind surrender to the sensation of warm water slowly submerging supple limbs in thick bliss There is no where else I have to be this is it, stop holding your breath pause beneath the open sky of affection These tender moments can take away the pain let yourself have this mindful medicine that future you've been hurrying to is here It's okay to enjoy it
Staying Present While Moving Forward
Preoccupied, I grasp at air trying to halt the passage of time the sickening, consistent tick, tick, tick that makes my heartbeat quicken tearing me away from where I am now I want to be so fully present that I can use these moments as patches to protect me in that future I fear collecting up all my small treasures to remind me this life has been a blessing There is no avoiding human suffering and I haven't yet had my fair share I have to learn to carry this cringing resistance while still enjoying the sticky leaves of spring while still soaking up love and sunlight The best preparation is practicing peace and expanding my capacity for gratitude with every sip of precious cool water resting in the sweet stirrings among the trees and observing the cyclical life of the hillsides
Charisma
How fantastic it is to witness with half envious, hungry eyes what it means to be fully present the magnetism it provides What a lilting, cashmere comfort to stand beneath a sturdy bough the safety provided by selfless shade the power of wielding the here and now The natural night that lifts the tide a confidence that winks at fear soothing weight of flower scented air a place to rest and lean against good cheer The overwhelming gravity of those rare auras that envelope all others in energizing light an encouraging warmth that opens up blossoms offering a certainty everything will be alright
Here With You
The fruit is ripe upon the vine pulling downward toward the earth heavy with sweet juice and soft flesh It's time to taste the warm embrace of mother nature in every mouthful eternity contained within each moment Hesitation has not yet found you consumed by the blessing of here and now savoring the feeling of heavenly fullness Innocent acceptance of all that is unbothered by the clock's steady cadence the perfect gift of pulsating presence
The Gift of Giving In
Sore fingertips, small red stains smeared across the fabric of my psyche thousands of tiny, pin-prick punctures trying to stitch gentleness in between the sudden trembling of a quick temper Shh, shh, shushing a sweltering soul don't waste these final moments with fury violent shouts for justice and change have dwindled into whispers for self surrender the somber effort of retreating inward Giving up is a final gift for myself now it's time to just sit down and learn to savor these last glimpses of blue sky to let myself have a few more brief moments to enjoy, to smile, to simply breathe Momentous effort of wrestling my willfulness to stay focused on this unfamiliar intention of unclenching my jaw, relaxing my face softening my muscles, as I practice letting go teaching myself to be present with this fleeting peace Soon enough I will have no choice but to fight and scream and suffer for now I will work on collecting all the small joys that are left for me here creating memory tonics for what's to come
Warm Thunder
The crashing calm of thunderstorms shouting down the voices inside my head the violent contrast of safety indoors simple gratitude for physical shelter There is no need to rush around when the electric atmosphere hisses overhead the deep, rumbling growls of dark clouds vibrate at a strangely soothing frequency The forced introspection of sunless days feels less daunting when it rains there is plenty of time for me to decide all the important things that press upon me Today I have the chance to listen and breathe in the moist, cool air claps of thunder like mindful bells guide me back to this small moment
Choices
I often find myself at conflict with a lot of the messaging in the spiritual wellness or yoga communities. I don’t know if people have been on their own personal journey’s so long they’ve forgotten what it was like in the beginning, or if people simply aren’t suffering from mental illness the way I and many others are. Either way, these communities, despite perhaps having the best intentions, tend to overlook how hard it can truly be to move into a better headspace.
Constantly hearing things like, “just choose to be happy” or “do these practices and you’ll inevitably feel better” can be a little dismissive and hurtful. Especially when you really believe it’s that easy. Not talking about what hard work yoga and mindfulness truly are is a dis-service to so many people. It leads to toxic positivity, imposter syndrome, spiritual bypassing, and/or giving up on yourself all together.
It’s so important that we all remember that everyone’s journey will be different and take a different amount of time. After having a personal practice for over 12 years, I find myself wondering why I’m not “better” yet. I ask myself what is wrong with me when I notice myself perpetually backsliding into old familiar habits of negative self-talk and mindless action. It becomes a cycle of perceiving that I’m not kind or compassionate enough to myself, then beating myself up for not being where I want to be. It’s unbelievably frustrating. I keep asking myself, if we can all choose happiness in moments of anger or despair, why can’t I? Why am I still struggling?
Only recently have I come to realize that it’s much more complex than just choosing another way of being. We do all have choices, but those choices look very different for all of us. Someone who has been practicing self-hatred or even self-harm for years cannot just go to yoga everyday and decide to be happy and love themselves. It may take them the rest of their life to even come close to that goal, despite diligent, consistent effort. And that’s okay.
When you are confronted with a situation that generally makes your angry, the choice to simply let it go and be happy may truly not be available to you in that moment. Maybe your choice today is just noticing your anger, or your grief, or your nervous energy, or whatever is coming up. Maybe you can choose to sit with those feelings and allow them to be there. And maybe you will spend years practicing that noticing and allowing, without feeling able to choose a different feeling state. And that is okay. Healing is not a race, and the more your try to rush yourself, the less you will actually be able to heal.
Today I invite you to take a look at your own practice, especially if you’re someone who has tried and given it up as a lost cause. Are you putting yourself on a timeline? Are you criticizing yourself for not making progress as quickly and easily as others may seem to be? Are you losing faith in yourself after falling back into harmful habits time and time again? Have you given up on yourself? Take a moment to forgive yourself for having a different path than everyone else. Take a moment to acknowledge how hard it can be to try to heal, and thank yourself for making any effort at all. You’re doing just fine. Give yourself as much time as you need. You’re exactly where you need to be.
If trying harder doesn’t work, try softer
Range of Motion
Everyone keeps telling me that I get to make the choice that happiness and peace are only one option away It's frustrating to then find myself in moments that don't seem to offer the possibility of different ways of being and I'm hopelessly overcome with old patterns I've been asking myself why I'm not strong enough to make the right decisions instead I just keep stumbling But I think I finally realized when people say we all have a choice that doesn't mean the choices are limitless or that we all have the same options Sometimes at first your scope is small I still can't choose unconditional compassion when my heart is sealed closed with anger but I can make the decision to be mindful I can witness myself from a few steps off in a way I never was able to before I can get curious about my intention and question my automatic reactions Sometimes I can stay silent and still or even smile as I watch these impulses swiftly rise, then subside and pass by right now the changes I make are subtle Mindfulness is a muscle that with effort will provide a wider range of motion new choices will arise naturally if I am patient and keep practicing
Time to Stop Moving
All the big picture ideas get bogged down by tiny details nothing ever seems worth the trouble of teasing out the tangled minutia Ambition without aim is an oxymoron although something inside me still aches an unreachable itch for a project worth pursuing a tangible goal to give life meaning again Maybe every direction is just a distraction a mirage in the distance to keep us moving through a desert that is identical wherever we stop would it all be the same if I simply sat down here? It feels shameful to keep existing without a purpose the unsightly sin of complacency is a heavy shroud the urge to prove myself through accomplishment is a set of iron shackles around my trembling soul Motivation is meaningless and amorphous to me now there has never been satisfaction at the end of my striving the soft voice inside just says that its time to rest indefinitely in the end, all I want is to want nothing