Manifesting Self-Love

As the new year approaches, I have a lot of fear in my heart. I have planned to make a lot of changes and I am just worried that I won’t be strong enough. I worry what will happen when I do make these changes. That’s why in the next few days, I want to try to support myself as much as I can. Instead of writing about all of my anxieties, I want to write about why I deserve to be happy. Why I deserve to experience these changes in my life. Why I am enough.

I can’t speak for anyone else, but whenever I sit down to focus kind thoughts and words toward myself, I feel a lot of resistance. That “cool” “emo” teenage girl inside me still cringes hard at the thought. When I was younger I seemed to have learned somewhere that it made you a more interesting person if you hated yourself. I felt dark and dramatic, tragically beautiful. Loving yourself was lame, unheard of, and besides, I surely didn’t deserve it. And I still struggle with these thoughts every day even though I recognize how immature and harmful they are now. My heart seems to seize up whenever I try to direct loving sentiments toward myself.

But I really want to work on this. I know it will get easier if I can just push past this blockage in my heart and practice being kind to myself. I do deserve kindness. Especially from myself. We all do. There is nothing embarrassing or shameful or conceited about thinking that. And I want to make these changes in my life in 2021. I’m not doing them for anyone else but me. It is okay if I gain weight. I will still deserve love and compassion. I won’t be any less worthy if my clothes fit a little snugger, if my face is a little rounder. That shouldn’t even be the focus to begin with. I want to change how I have been eating regardless of the outward effects. I want to do it because I love this body. It does so much for me, and I have been treating it terribly. Telling it that it doesn’t deserve the nutrients it needs to keep me going. Telling it that it’s healthy weight is too heavy, hideous, unworthy. Stressing my heart with disordered behaviors. Isolating myself to accommodate those behaviors. I would never stand for someone else abusing me this way. Why should I be allowed to continue abusing myself?

I want to enjoy food again. To cook fun healthy meals, knowing that they will provide my body with everything it needs to make me happy and healthy. I want to eat mindfully, to eat with my friends and family. To allow food to be a part of my life again, instead of my whole life. Come what may.

I have a lot of other changes I want to work on as well. But maybe for now I’ll just focus on making a plan and tackling this one. I always expect too much of myself, then beat myself up when I inevitably fail. Not this time. This time I’ll give myself all the time I need. There is no deadline. There is no punishment for struggling. There is no “failure.” It’s just living my life. It’s just getting up every morning and trying my best. That’s more than enough.

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Small Steps

Since I recognized it within myself, I have been trying to overcome my “all or nothing” mentality. I can say from experience that it is quite a detrimental mindset to have. It is a constant fluctuation between pushing yourself too hard or doing nothing at all. If it can’t all be done, if it can’t be done perfectly, why bother? I’ve been letting this question immobilize me for so long now. I can’t even remember when this feeling of futility began.

I used to at least be able to get excited about the idea of goals or projects to work toward. Making lists and making big plans. However, after over a decade of setting myself up for failure with heaps of insurmountable tasks, I can no longer even find that initial hope for success that used to spur me onward. I guess after repeating that cycle of being unable to follow through again and again has finally worn me down. I feel like I’ve given up on myself.

But I know I can’t do that. I have to keep reminding myself that it isn’t my fault I’ve failed in the past. I always expected too much from myself in too short a time. With the plans I made, no one would be able to succeed. I was overly-optimistic. And that wasn’t necessarily a bad thing. I still think it’s good to have big dreams. I just need to learn to give myself that time and tenderness I need along the way to achieve them.

The goals I’ve set for myself in the new year, have already begun to seem daunting. I shudder at the thought of failing once again. I consider giving up before I even try. But then I remember that I don’t have to completely remodel my life on January 1st. Small steps matter. I just need to break my big goals up into smaller and smaller ones. Until they don’t seem as overwhelming anymore.

Even if in the beginning it seems like nothing. Even the smallest steps will still take me forward. It’s better than not moving at all. I HAVE to remember that this time. I must be gentle with myself. It’s okay to celebrate the small victories. Even if they might seem silly to anyone else. Only we truly know how hard something is for us. And I have been having a really hard time with the most basic things for a long while now. I deserve to give myself credit for what I am able to do. No matter how small.

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