when does routine become a restraint a heavy weight around your ankle dangling over the balustrade no prison more insidious than the bars built up in our minds silently erecting new walls each day to box us into smaller and smaller spaces somedays it's a revelation to realize I'm the warden that these limitations have been self imposed the power of self-possession is a perplexing puzzle to ponder the overwhelming responsibility of deciding my own destiny the never ending balancing act between benefit and burden mind numbing monotony and clumsy chaos learning to trust those internal cues telling you it's time for change instead of stuffing myself into stifling rituals that no longer serve me resisting the endless cycle of inner evolution it's so scary to let go of what's carried you this far even once you begin to drown it's so tempting to keep pretending that perfection can be reached if you keep pushing I'm still learning how to leave the sinking ship before it hits rock bottom to take notice of the decent and bravely face the bitter cold of unknown waters once again
Sorrow rises like smoke from the ashes of a dying love it wiggles and writhes through the air mimicking my desperation to avoid to postpone these violent pangs of pain could things really be different should I reconsider this decision or am I just searching for relief from this reality I do not want which self should I trust the one that has been unsatisfied the one feeling frustration and misunderstanding or should I trust the self that feels this parting as a small death, as a gaping wound in the end I'm left wondering watching the fading embers with fear in my heart unsure of whether to keep watching or try to stoke that flame, that love that was once my life
My head is full of floating thoughts that expand and break apart they cloud my heart and contract my lungs endlessly vibrating in and out of awareness My head is full, but more flows in a constant stream of stressful flurries piling up inside my mind getting denser and heavier each day It feels as though I will surely crack open and spill this jumbled mess upon the pavement or perhaps be flattened under the weight of everything I've left undone It's hard to focus while restitching seams in my skull trying to keep it all together as I'm pulled forward into a future waiting to pour even more liquid lists through my shaking fingers It's all too much, too fast, too busy the urgency of each moment tugging at me from all sides knowing it cannot all be done Impossible to decide the next step I want my heart to open like a faucet and release all this pressure inside to spill and spill until I am empty Until I can hold that blissful space and replace my lists with trust a trust without form, just feeling a brave surrender of the spirit
Open eyes, another new day the inky blackness of a night not yet over resisting each surrender to the sun, just like me The strained chorus of small voices reminding me that I am needed A sigh followed by a smile signals the transition from a warm cave of covers into the cold air A fresh start, an empty vessel eager to be filled again, but not just yet The soft stillness of the mind in the morning is something to be savored as we make the descent from dreams to daylight. Make an effort to linger here as long as you can Allow your mind to rest in the spaces in between That's where I'll be.
Breathing in I taste the thick sweetness of summer air breathing out A shimmer of satisfaction ripples through me Enveloped in a world so miraculous and perfect humbled by the chance to simply be my soul sings sweetly along with the heartbeat of existence So much beauty to behold the many layers of this life an endless spiraling inwards and outwards far past infinity incomprehensible complexity Unfurling like a flower to the sunlight my innermost essence opens to encompass the vast vibrations of this earth Five superpowers called senses ten fingers, ten toes a body that heals and grows a brain that questions and creates at one with all there is but also somehow separate How sublime it is to surrender to the deep knowing in our bones that stardust inside of us that says, "all is well" that tells us, "have faith, and you will find all you seek"