Self-Doubt

The maddening drumbeat of self-doubt
filling up all the silent spaces
pushing out all other sounds

A low rumble that underlies existence
made natural and unquestioned by repetition
unnoticed like the soft rustles of steady breathing

The regular and consistent rhythm I've come to rely on
looked for reluctance in any new endeavor
the steady signal flash of certain failure

Siren song inside my head that guides me
towards the rocky shore of inner oblivion
a false friend I've always carried with me
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The Descent

when does routine
become a restraint
a heavy weight around your ankle
dangling over the balustrade

no prison more insidious
than the bars built up in our minds
silently erecting new walls each day
to box us into smaller and smaller spaces

somedays it's a revelation
to realize I'm the warden
that these limitations
have been self imposed

the power of self-possession
is a perplexing puzzle to ponder
the overwhelming responsibility
of deciding my own destiny

the never ending balancing act
between benefit and burden
mind numbing monotony
and clumsy chaos

learning to trust
those internal cues
telling you it's time
for change

instead of stuffing myself
into stifling rituals that no longer serve me 
resisting the endless cycle
of inner evolution

it's so scary to let go
of what's carried you this far
even once you begin
to drown

it's so tempting
to keep pretending
that perfection can be reached
if you keep pushing

I'm still learning how
to leave the sinking ship
before it hits
rock bottom

to take notice of the decent
and bravely face the bitter cold
of unknown waters
once again 

Sorrow Rising

Sorrow rises like smoke
from the ashes of a dying love
it wiggles and writhes through the air
mimicking my desperation to avoid 
to postpone these violent pangs of pain
could things really be different
should I reconsider this decision
or am I just searching for relief
from this reality I do not want
which self should I trust
the one that has been unsatisfied
the one feeling frustration and misunderstanding
or should I trust the self that feels this parting
as a small death, as a gaping wound
in the end I'm left wondering
watching the fading embers
with fear in my heart
unsure of whether to keep watching 
or try to stoke that flame, that love
that was once my life

Spill

My head is full of floating thoughts
that expand and break apart 
they cloud my heart and contract my lungs
endlessly vibrating in and out of awareness

My head is full, but more flows in
a constant stream of stressful flurries 
piling up inside my mind 
getting denser and heavier each day

It feels as though I will surely crack open
and spill this jumbled mess upon the pavement
or perhaps be flattened under the weight
of everything I've left undone

It's hard to focus while restitching seams in my skull
trying to keep it all together as I'm pulled forward
into a future waiting to pour even more
liquid lists through my shaking fingers

It's all too much, too fast, too busy
the urgency of each moment
tugging at me from all sides
knowing it cannot all be done

Impossible to decide the next step
I want my heart to open like a faucet
and release all this pressure inside 
to spill and spill until I am empty

Until I can hold that blissful space
and replace my lists with trust
a trust without form, just feeling
a brave surrender of the spirit
How Prayer Can Help Mend A Broken Marriage - Valerie Murray

Small Moments in the Morning

Open eyes, another new day
the inky blackness
of a night not yet over
resisting each surrender
to the sun, just like me

The strained chorus of small voices
reminding me that I am needed
A sigh followed by a smile
signals the transition from a
warm cave of covers into the cold air

A fresh start, an empty vessel
eager to be filled again, but not just yet
The soft stillness of the mind in the morning
is something to be savored 
as we make the descent from dreams to daylight.

Make an effort to linger here
as long as you can
Allow your mind to rest
in the spaces in between
That's where I'll be.
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Sublime Surrender

Breathing in
I taste the thick sweetness
of summer air
breathing out
A shimmer of satisfaction
ripples through me

Enveloped in a world
so miraculous and perfect
humbled by the chance 
to simply be
my soul sings sweetly along
with the heartbeat of existence

So much beauty to behold
the many layers of this life
an endless spiraling 
inwards and outwards
far past infinity
incomprehensible complexity

Unfurling like a flower
to the sunlight
my innermost essence
opens to encompass
the vast vibrations
of this earth

Five superpowers called senses
ten fingers, ten toes
a body that heals and grows
a brain that questions and creates
at one with all there is
but also somehow separate

How sublime it is to surrender
to the deep knowing in our bones
that stardust inside of us
that says, "all is well"
that tells us, "have faith,
and you will find all you seek" 


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