I rose before the sun today
slipped out of my covers
into the dark, artificial warmth
of my well-heated, winter home
my mind is fresh and grateful today
resplendent in the light of another new year
new beginnings are crisp like citrus
invigorating, juicy, crystalline droplets
my heart is opening wide today
admitting all that approaches
the good, the bad, and the unknown
all are welcome within my soul
joy spills from my fingertips today
as I begin to churn the stagnant energy inside
shifting sediment and sadness
transforming it, creating new light, new love
I am so happy to be alive today
that simple gift is all that's needed
for miracles to happen
for gratitude to consume my grief
I forgive myself today
for the dark days behind and those ahead
because I am forgetful and flawed and human
and that is not something to apologize for
I witnessed the pink and orange pallet of the sunrise today
I give myself the love that's in my heart today
I breathe into my beautiful body today
I am so grateful I awoke to that warm darkness today
I don't feel like writing
when I must reach through this wretched heart
to find the feeling, the inspiration, I need
that's where you reside
smiling but cold, sitting and silent
my small comforts that once seemed so many
have now taken flight like so many birds
leaving me gasping, grasping in this vacuum
there is no escape from myself
even your eyes hold my reflection
mirroring back the worst parts of me
how many times I have repeated this cycle
this swirling sickness, to love and be loved
one must be truly seen, to be truly loved
all that's come before has fallen short
I have no idea what you see
when you look at me
your gaze makes my soul squirm
it goes right through me
these ineffable things cannot be asked for
they cannot be learned or bought
my mind struggles to understand
what my spirit urns for and requires
so very few have soothed that nagging itch
have filled that crooked niche inside me
I'm so tired of searching, of finding
of faltering, and failing, and aching
there is no escape from myself
but that weight can be shared
if only it can be seen
that truth brings little relief
in a world where so many are without sight
Christmas mornings are soft and special
they are filled with tender wishes
and warm embraces
evoking the image of flame lit evenings
in front of fireplaces with family
as the harsh world blusters against the door
Let us not forget that this magic in the air
has been inside of us all year
and that we may choose to indulge
in these wondrous feelings
whenever we wish to and
offer our love and gratitude each and every day.
Soften you heart
and breathe deeply
now is the time to rest
in the warm security of
our bountiful harvest
To surrender to the stark contrast
of the snow beneath an inky black sky
to snuggle close together
with the ones we love
in warm stillness, in sweet silence
Winter is a time to slow down
to reflect on and rejoice in
all the year has given to us
to gather our blessings
and give of ourselves
Allow your heart to open
to fill and be filled
as we give thanks
and gather together
to welcome another new year
Great art comes from deep sadness
the slithering sickness of sorrow
pressed underneath paper-white skin
squirming, uncomfortable energy
desperate to be expelled
Violent vomiting of mixed memories
touching brush to canvas,
fingers pressing into cool keys,
bleeding ink that stains blank sheets,
everything becomes an outlet
A pressure valve to release the pain
inspiration to spark healing
something rising from the ashes of
an empty home
a shattered heart
A true artist hurts in happiness
finding a limp hand
a passion lost
the prickling pressure of impatience
as time slowly drips
Icky, slick sensation of
inner walls made of oil
dark and cool without a flame
to ignite the stillness
sending sparks of art flying
Life's soft moments may be
more lovely than a set of prints
or the penetrating pages of a profound text
but there is still a certain pleasure
in the cutting motion of the all consuming
chaos that came before
An understanding that cannot be uttered
a sliver of light that shines through
the black gossamer ribbon
of muddled memories and misgiving
that dangle limply from the rafters of ribcages
Fearing the failure of unfounded feelings
that gather and disperse indiscriminately
searching for some guarantee
or at least a stronger container to prevent
the restless flapping of tattered wings
A whimsical collection of winding words
that fall worthless to the bleached wood
of the dusted, decaying floorboards
amongst fumbling feet
frantic to compile them once again
Don't be afraid of the things unspoken
the truth cannot remain hidden much longer
combustion and chaos will surely ensue
all in good time
be patient
My head is full of floating thoughts
that expand and break apart
they cloud my heart and contract my lungs
endlessly vibrating in and out of awareness
My head is full, but more flows in
a constant stream of stressful flurries
piling up inside my mind
getting denser and heavier each day
It feels as though I will surely crack open
and spill this jumbled mess upon the pavement
or perhaps be flattened under the weight
of everything I've left undone
It's hard to focus while restitching seams in my skull
trying to keep it all together as I'm pulled forward
into a future waiting to pour even more
liquid lists through my shaking fingers
It's all too much, too fast, too busy
the urgency of each moment
tugging at me from all sides
knowing it cannot all be done
Impossible to decide the next step
I want my heart to open like a faucet
and release all this pressure inside
to spill and spill until I am empty
Until I can hold that blissful space
and replace my lists with trust
a trust without form, just feeling
a brave surrender of the spirit
Excavating my emotion
from beneath a harmful haze
of chemical concoctions
Rediscovering what it means
to feel the world around me
No more sedation
no more shaded sensation
happiness and sorrow held equal
remembering the beauty of both
a genuine smile cutting through pain
Grateful tears spilling over
delicious, warm, salty
quenching my once parched heart
soaking cheeks and shirtsleeves
releasing years of stagnant suffering
Shedding the grey scales
that have gathered on my skin
sealing me inside
a hollow human form
I am finally free
From the abstraction of atoms
I emerge again
Electrical impulses, energy
Firing between neurons
A new expression of me
contained within a temporary form
I look down at these hands
clenched fists, white knuckles
I cling desperately to this body
that I have become
this life that surrounds me
and I have already forgotten
I always forget
That this being is not me
I am not these thoughts
I am not these hands
I am not this body
or this mind
I am the energy
that animates it
I cannot be created
or destroyed
only transformed
again and again and again
Facing this cycle for infinity
I still never fail to forget
never fail to fear
I will remember again
when these eyes close
once more
I will awake from this dream
to become new again
to be recycled and reborn
to melt away and reappear
to lose myself in a new dream
all over again
Finding the fortitude
to simply surrender
Nodding in acknowledgement
toward all that's disconcerting
Breathing into the tight spaces
of not only our bodies
but of our minds as well
Saving space for the unknown
bowing down to the bigger picture
that we cannot yet see
humbly accepting
a limited perspective
of this life
Noting our indignation
as it arises in opposition to adversity
and asking ourselves:
What is this?
Do I really know what's best?
Can I release my opinions
and embrace what is?
Learning that our white knuckled grip
is doing us no favors
practicing unclenching our grasp
on the way things "should" be
the way others should act
should think
should be
Having the humility to say:
I don't know
Having enough trust to say:
And that's okay
Cultivating curiosity
in place of judgement
Letting go
Protect the Innocent 