A Poem

An understanding that cannot be uttered
a sliver of light that shines through
the black gossamer ribbon
of muddled memories and misgiving
that dangle limply from the rafters of ribcages

Fearing the failure of unfounded feelings
that gather and disperse indiscriminately
searching for some guarantee 
or at least a stronger container to prevent
the restless flapping of tattered wings

A whimsical collection of winding words
that fall worthless to the bleached wood
of the dusted, decaying floorboards
amongst fumbling feet
frantic to compile them once again

Don't be afraid of the things unspoken
the truth cannot remain hidden much longer
combustion and chaos will surely ensue
all in good time
be patient

Missing Myspace

Do any of you remember the old myspace days? I genuinely miss that platform more than I’d like to admit. Part of it may just be the nostalgia that comes with reminiscing about that time in my life. I was in middle school in those days. I was just discovering my own identity, not to mention some amazing music, and Myspace was the perfect place for both. Unlike Facebook, Myspace was much more about creativity and individuality. I would spend days crafting the perfect page for myself and trying to learn HTML. It’s hard to believe that that was well over a decade ago now.

Any of you that do remember Myspace, must remember the classic Myspace questionnaires everyone was constantly filling out. I doubt may of us cared what the original poster’s answers were (unless we had a crush on them, that is) but it was always fun to steal the questions and answer them yourself. Just for old time’s sake, I thought today I’d find one of those questionnaires and fill it out. So here it is. Feel free to copy and past the questions and answer them yourself!

1. Last beverage:
Coffee with oatmilk pumpkin spice creamer.

2. Last phone call:
Monday night with my boyfriend. Verizon kept dropping the call because I live in the middle of nowhere.

3. Last song you listened to:
Bayside – Already Gone

4. Last time you cried:
About a month ago while on LSD with my boyfriend. (Happy tears of course.)

5. Have you dated someone twice:
Yes, didn’t work out either time.

6. Have you ever been cheated on:
Not that I am aware of.

7. Kissed someone & regretted it:
Sooo many times. Usually while under the influence of alcohol.

8. Have you lost someone special:
Yes, through death and otherwise.

9. What are your three favorite colors:
Black, pastel green, & turquoise

10. Met someone who changed you in the past month:
Yes, every kid I meet at work changes me.

11. Kissed anyone on your friends list:
No longer have social media. 😥

12. How many kids do you want:
Human kids? Zero.

13. Do you want any pets:
I already have one cat, one dog, and one mouse, and they are splendid.

14. Do you want to change your name:
Yes. I’ve never liked my first or last name.

15. What did you do for your last birthday:
I honestly don’t remember. Most likely nothing.

16. What time did you wake up today:
6:15AM. I slept in.

17. Name something you CANNOT wait for:
My boyfriend to move back to the area at the end of the year.

18. Last time you saw your mother:
A couple weeks ago.

19. Most visited webpage:
YouTube

20. Nicknames:
A few people call me Rach. Would love for people to start calling me Elle.

21. Relationship status:
Dating a perfect vegan dreamboat. ❤

22. Zodiac sign:
Sagittarius

23. Male or female:
Female

24. Height:
5’6”

25. Do you have a crush on someone:
Yis. My lovely boyfriend.

26. Piercings:
Lip and 00 gauges in both ears.

27. Tattoos:
Not yet.

28. Strong or Weak:
Strong physically, weak mentally. lmao

FIRSTS

29. First surgery:
Wisdom teeth removal.

30. First best friend:
Can’t remember their name from daycare. But in kindergarten, her name was Katie.

31. First sport you joined:
Volleyball

32. First vacation:
I went to Castaway Bay with my mom, grandma, and sister for three days when I was little.

WHICH IS BETTER

33. Lips or eyes:
Eyes.

34. Hugs or kisses:
HUGSSS

35. Shorter or taller:
Taller

36. Older or younger:
Older.

37. Romantic or spontaneous:
I guess romantic.

38. Sensitive or loud:
Sensitive.

39. Hook-up or relationship:
Relationship.

40. Shy or outgoing:
Outgoing

HAVE YOU EVER

41. Kissed a stranger:
I don’t think so…?

42. Gotten a speeding ticket:
Yes, quite a few actually…

43. Lost glasses/contacts:
Nope, don’t need either.

44. Sex on first date:
Yes. Terrible choice.

45. Broken someone’s heart:
Sadly, yes. But I’m usually the one being broken.

46. Been arrested:
No

47. Have you turned someone down:
Tons of times.

48. Fallen for a friend:
Many times.

49. Moved out of town:
Yes, but not far.

BELIEVE IN

50. Miracles:
Eh, undecided.

51. Love at first sight:
Not really.

52. Heaven:
No.

53. Santa Claus:
Obviously not.

54. Kiss on the first date:
Depends on the person.

55. Angels:
Nah.

56. Yourself:
Sometimes.

ANSWER TRUTHFULLY

57. Had more than 1 girlfriend/boyfriend at a time:
Mhmm. I’ve dabbled with Polyamory/made huge mistakes.

58. Been in love with someone you couldn’t be with?:
That’s usually what being in love is like for me.

59. Ever cheated on somebody:
Yes, and it was the biggest mistake of my life.

60. If you could go back in time, how far would you go?:
Perhaps just to the 60s.

61. Are you afraid of falling in love:
Yes. It’s scary to need someone.

62. Was your last relationship a mistake?
I don’t think so.

63. Do you miss your last relationship?
Sometimes.

64. Who did you last say “i love you” to?
My boyfriend

65. Have you ever been depressed?
When I was a teenager.

66. Are you insecure?
Oh yes.

67. How do you want to die?
In my sleep.

68. Do you bite your nails?
Yes, unless they’re painted or I have fake ones on.

69. When was your last physical fight?
Never been in a fight.

70. Do you have an attitude?
When things don’t go as planned.

71. Twirl or cut your spaghetti?
Twirl

74. Do you tan a lot?
I tan easily, but don’t do so intentionally. Never used a tanning bed.

75. Ever eaten food in a car while someone or you are driving?
Yea, but not in a long time.

76. Ever made out in a bathroom?
Sure.

77. Would you take any of your exes back?
Probably not.

78. Would you go back in time if you were given the chance?
Probably not.

79. What are your plans for this weekend?
Going to a local Fall festival with my family to buy delicious wines for the holidays.

80. Do you type fast?
I do. Last I checked it was 65wpm.

81. Can you spell well?
Used to be great, but now I always second guess myself and rely on spellcheck.

82: What are you craving right now?
More time.

83. Have you ever been on a horse?
Yes when I was a kid.

84. Would you live with someone without marrying them?
I have before and certainly would again.

85. What’s irritating you right now?
Nothing at the moment.

86. Have you ever liked someone so much that it hurts?
Sure have.

87. Does somebody love you?
Yes, lots of people love me.

88. Have you ever changed clothes in a car?
I’m sure I have although I don’t remember specifically.

89. Milk chocolate or white chocolate?
Milk chocolate as long as it’s vegan.

90. Do you have trust issues?
Absolutely.

91. Longest relationship?
Not long, maybe 3-4 years?

92: Do you believe your most recent ex thinks about you?
If he’s not a complete imbecile.

93. Have you ever walked outside in your PJs?
I don’t have PJs.

94. Do you believe everything happens for a reason?
Yes.

95. Did you have dream last night?
We all dream every night, but I don’t remember my dream.

96. Have you ever been out of state?
Uh yea.

97. Do you play the Wii?
I have one, but rarely play it.

98. Do you like Chinese food?
Love it.

99. Are you afraid of the dark?
No

100. Is cheating ever okay?
No

101. What year has been your best?
Maybe 2008. That was a really good year for me.

102. Do you believe in true love?
I’m not sure.

103. Favorite weather?
Hot, humid, sunny days.

104. Do you like the snow?
It’s pretty, but too cold for me.

105. Do you like the outside?
Of course.

106. Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you baby?
If we’re romantically involved.

107. Have you ever made out for more than a half hour straight?
Definitely when I was a teenager.

108. What makes you happy?
Nature, intelligent, engaging conversation, animals, drawing, coffee, kratom, my friends and family.

109. Ever been to Alaska?
No and don’t plan on it.

110. Ever been to Hawaii?
No, but I’d love to go someday.

111. Do you watch the news?
I used to, but I’ve stopped within the last few years because it’s just unbearable.

112. Do you love MTV?
No, and I don’t have cable.

113. Do you like subway?
I used to before I went vegan.

114 Would it be hard to kiss the last person you kissed?
Not at all. I would love for him to be here so I could kiss him.

115. Your best friend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?
Probably be pissed off, because male friends never seem to just want to be friends.

116. Why did you decide to do this quiz?
Nostalgia

117. Have you ever seen someone you knew and purposely avoided them?
Lots of times.

118. Do you have a friend of the opposite sex who you can act your complete self around?
Yes.

119. Who was the last person of the opposite sex you talked to?
My friend Scott at work.

120. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with?
My coworkers. God, I love my job.

121. Ever bought condoms?
Actually, no.

122. Ever gotten pregnant?
Nope and I never will. (: Hallelujah.

123. Have you ever slipped on ice?
Yes.

124 Have you ever missed the bus?
Maybe when I was still in school. Can’t remember though.

125. Have you left the house without money?
I hardly ever carry cash.

126. Have you ever smoked cigarettes?
Yes, I’ve smoked on and off since age 18.

127. Have you ever smoked a cigar?
Yea, but I’m not a fan.

128. Did you ever drink alcohol?
Yes. Waaaay too much in college, nearly became an alcoholic a couple years ago, but now I have little to no interest in drinking.

129. Did you ever watch “The Breakfast Club”?
Once or twice.

130. Have you ever been overweight?
Yes, and I’ve felt overweight my entire life.

131. Ever been to a wedding?
Only one in my whole life and it was my best friend’s.

132. Ever been in a wedding?
Yup. I was a bridesmaid.

133. Have you ever been on the computer for 5 hours straight?
Never counted, but I’m sure I have.

134. Did you ever watch TV for 5 hours straight?
Definitely.

135. Ever kissed in the rain?
Not that I recall.

136. Did you ever shower with someone else?
Many times.

137. Did you ever fail a driver’s test?
No. I ran a stop sign, but they passed me anyway. lmao

138. Ever been outside your home country?
Yes. I went to the Bahamas on a cruise once.

139. Ever been on a road trip longer than 5 hours?
Yes. I hate road trips.

140. Ever been to a professional sports game?
Yes, but I didn’t pay attention to the game at all. I was people watching.

141. Have you ever broken a bone?
No! Impressive, right?

142. Did you ever win a trophy in your life?
Only lame ones for participation.

143. Ever get engaged?
Nope.

144. Have you ever been on a diet?
Seems like I’ve been on a diet since I was 6 years old.

145. Have you ever been on TV?
Probably local news very briefly since I was in my high school band and we would do parades and stuff.

146. Ever ridden in a taxi?
Nope.

147. Ever been to prom?
Yes. Not a fan.

148. Ever stayed up for 24 hours or more?
Yes, when I was a kid.

149 Have you ever been to a concert?
Yes, but only a couple.

150. Have you ever had a crush on someone at work?
Yes.

151. Have you ever been in a car accident?
Only fender benders.

152. Ever had braces?
Yes when I was in middle/high school.

153. Did you ever learn another language?
Constantly attempting to learn Spanish.

154. Do you wear make-up?
When I feel like it.

155. Did you ever have your wisdom teeth taken out?
Yes.

156. Did you ever kiss someone a different race than yourself?
Yes.

157. Ever dyed your hair?
Yes, many times. Nothing too exciting though.

158. Did you ever wear someone else’s clothes?
Yea, I wear my boyfriend’s clothes all the time.

159. Ever ridden in an ambulance?
No.

160. Ever ridden in a helicopter?
No.

161. Ever caught the stove on fire?
The stove??? No…

162. Ever meet someone famous?
Yes, artists from bands I like and one of the actors from Twilight.

163. Ever been on an airplane?
No.

164. Ever been on a boat?
Yes. I went on a cruise once and my dad has a speedboat.

165. Ever broken something expensive?
Not unless cars count.

166. Did you ever kiss someone before you were 14?
I believe so. I was in eighth grade.

167. Did you ever find something valuable on the ground?
I’ve found money on the ground before. Most was probably $20.

MySpace confirms it has been hacked | IT PRO

Just a Dream

I mentioned in another post that I may from time to time share my dreams with you on here. I don’t have anything I’d particularly like to write about today, but I did have a very unsettling, gripping dream. So I thought I might as well share it. Besides writing it out right after I wake up always helps me to remember it better.

In this dream last night I was in some kind of alternate universe. I and some other people were being pursued across this desolate wasteland of a world. I can’t really remember what was going to happen to us if we were caught. The beginnings of this dream are getting blurrier by the moment I’m afraid. I do remember strangely being in the point of view of someone other than myself crawling through very narrow passageways behind walls. They discovered a meth stash. Apparently other people were using these passageways. Then a rat chased them out.

The part that remains crystal clear is a conversation I had with someone I didn’t know. I believe they were once on the side of the people pursuing us. I was talking to them about a boy I used to love. It seemed like he was a main player on the side of the pursuers. He had gone completely insane. I remember asking what had happened to his girlfriend and their son. I was told that he had killed them both the day he went mad. That was also the day when this whole post-apocalyptic nightmare began.

I remember feeling bad for him. I thought the girlfriend deserved it for manipulating him, but I felt bad for the baby who had obviously been innocent. I also felt bad for the boy I loved. I felt bad that he had come to this.

I was resting my head on the shoulder of the person I was talking to. He had his arm around me loosely. I told him how hard it was that I had been rejected in favor of this woman who eventually drove him to insanity. This woman that took advantage of him, latched onto him, sucked his life from him like a leech. I told him about how small that made me feel. Still makes me feel. That I wasn’t good enough. I was even less desirable than someone like that.

I guess I just woke up after that. It has been quite a while since that boy has been a part of my dreams. My subconscious must still be suffering from all the grief he’s caused me. I wonder if I’ll ever stop dreaming of him.

Photo by Taryn Elliott on Pexels.com

Blogging as Self-help

You may have noticed that the topics I’ve been writing about lately aren’t exactly in line with my original intention for this blog. Years ago when I created it, my goal was to write about veganism, specifically helpful tips for new vegans or vegans in rural areas like myself. It is self evident that even in the beginning this resulted in few, infrequent posts. I was getting too in my head. Limiting myself and allowing perfectionism to stop me before I even started. I believe I went years without posting anything at all. I was too anxious to even think about it. Something that was supposed to be a fun way to improve my writing skills and share with others became just another source of distress.

Since I’ve started posting regularly on this blog again, I decided to write about absolutely anything I felt like writing about that day. I had been doing daily writing for years, but was starting to feel frustrated with the way my journaling always turned out. It seemed like I was just trying to fill the pages with meaningless words in order to get my daily writing over with. I feel like having an audience helps me to stay focused on a topic and actually express myself in a more productive, beneficial way.

I have been using it to explore my own thoughts and follow them to see if I am able to come to any interesting conclusions. It has felt rather therapeutic to me, writing these entries each day for the last few weeks. I can’t guarantee that I’ll continue this new habit, but for right now it is helping me a lot. I’ve really been enjoying contemplating what to write about and listening to lo-fi hip hop as I wander through my own thoughts. It may even be creating something nice for me to look back on some day.

So I do apologize if this blog seems lacking direction now and if you don’t enjoy or understand my seemingly random ramblings. But at the end of the day, I’ve started writing on here again for myself. After all imperfection is far better than radio silence. And I’m proud of this new habit of mine. Proud of myself for trying to remember how to do things for no other reason than my own pleasure and amusement.