Unsatisfied

My heart has been heaving sighs of discontent for days and days. Everywhere I look my energy is focused on what is lacking. I project myself into other people’s positions and convince myself happiness is beyond my reach, but not theirs. Envy, sharp and bitter vines twisting through my veins, poisons the fertile soil inside my soul. These feelings find relief through reframing, realizing I already have more than I could have ever asked for.

Picturing in the palm of one hand, this illusion of life that I’m lusting after, all the promise and perfection I’m imagining there. Then in the other palm, my own precious life, the beings I love most in this world. I contemplate a bargain with the universe that could be made, to trade what I have for these things I think would bring me happiness and spare all future suffering. Oh, the stinging swell of gratitude that rises up to resist this inconceivable option! I would easily forsake the most coveted riches and situations for the life and love I already possess. What a great comfort it is to consciously consider this fact.

This simple practice is a powerful reminder of how much love I already have inside, how much happiness is already in the life before me, if only I take the time to look. When I catch myself longing for something else and lamenting the lot I’ve gotten in life, I remember the true value of my current reality when I meditate on the ridiculous notion of exchanging it for another.

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What Am I Making This Mean

Our thoughts and inner chatter come at us so quickly that it’s hard to realize what is an objective truth and what is a distorted or biased perception of that truth. The events that play out in front of us don’t necessarily have an emotional undertone or meaningful significance, yet we are so used to assigning these things to every little event in our lives that they feel inseparable. The rejection we might face from a loved one is so immediately followed by our thoughts about what that rejection means, that it feels impossible to distinguish between the two.

I don’t think it has any immediate benefits, but I do believe in the long term just making a conscious effort to pull real moments away from our automatic perception of them is a valuable practice. It can feel pointless and frustrating to do so at first. Just cognitively realizing that rejection, for instance, does not mean we are unworthy of love, doesn’t make our conditioned reaction feel any less true or painful in that moment. This is just the first step though. Eventually once we’ve worked on recognizing and accepting that distinction, then I believe we will be able to move on toward challenging our painful perceptions and subconscious convictions.

It has been interesting for me just to notice how violently my mind resists the very idea of my immediate reaction being a choice or something I could view differently. There is a physical sense of revulsion in my body. My heart closes tightly. My mind attempts to shut down this new direction in my thought patterns. Despite how painful a belief might be, I find myself clinging to it desperately instead of being open to reevaluating the situation. Isn’t that a curious thing. Why am I so stubbornly trying to maintain a way of thinking that causes me so much suffering unnecessarily?

I think the answer to this question is that somehow, part of me has developed this stimuli/reaction cycle as a form of self-protection. It doesn’t seem to make any sense how genuinely believing someone couldn’t or shouldn’t love me could be protecting me, but that scared little animal inside of me must have some basis for mistakenly thinking it will. Even our most hateful inner voice is ultimately just trying to keep us safe. It is just afraid for us. It’s up to us to work every day to push through that fear and show ourselves that we don’t have to hold on to these harmful inner narratives any longer.

One way I’ve learned we can distance ourselves from the intensity of these upsetting thoughts is to speak to ourselves as if we were someone else. Internally addressing ourselves in the third person, saying our own name instead of I, can provide a mental cushion of space between the emotional energy of the thoughts and our conscious awareness. A question I’ve been posing to myself in this way is: “Rachel, what are you making this mean?”

Framing the question in this way is actually a reframing. It has become so automatic that we’ve lost the original question we’ve been answering which would be “what does this mean?” After being confronted with an uncomfortable reality such as rejection, the small voice of fear inside whispers this follow up question in it’s desperate attempt to make sense of things and create a story around what’s happened. Our well worn response to the situation is our answer to that question.

Even though I might feel as though I am constantly doubting myself, I never seem to doubt these explanations and narratives I create around the moments of my life. Why not? Part of the problem is I’ve somewhere along the line lost the ability to recognize I am the one creating this particular meaning. After years and years of unwitting reinforcement, the voice that tells me how I have to think or react doesn’t feel like it’s coming from me anymore. It doesn’t feel optional. It feels like a hard and unavoidable truth.

When I ask myself “what are you making this mean,” it is a reminder, however surreal it may seem at first, that I’m deciding to add qualifiers and opinions to otherwise neutral events. The way I see a situation is not the one right way, or the only way to see it. Really there are an infinite number of possibilities when it comes to interpreting the experiences we have in life. It might feel like those possibilities are extremely limited at first, but the more we encourage our awareness of their existence, the more we will feel capable of pivoting our perceptions towards ones that better serve us.

At the end of the day, I don’t believe there is necessarily any objective truth in this insane experience we can life. All that matters, all that is, is what you believe. It’s not easy. Sometimes I don’t even feel like it’s possible. But even so, I do believe it is worth the effort to help ourselves see the world and our own lives in a way that brings us joy, peace, self-love, and equanimity. What else could be more important or meaningful? Even on the days were my battles with inner demons and mental illness feel like a living example of Sisyphus, I know the only thing to do is keep going.

Examining Limiting Beliefs

It’s taken me a long time to even recognize the things I say about myself are not objectively true, rather self-perceptions. Even with this realization, it can still be hard to challenge these beliefs. Most of them I have carried with me for as long as I can remember. That’s part of the reason why they feel so true and unchangeable. Today I wanted to list out a few of these limiting beliefs I have about myself and break them down in the hopes that I may begin to see them in a different light.

My Limiting Beliefs:

1. I am easily overwhelmed.
2. I am flaky/unreliable.
3. I am unworthy.
4. I am broken.
5. I have poor communication skills.
6. I’m a bad person.
7. I am incapable of making decisions.
8. I am easily angered/upset.

Reframing:

I am easily overwhelmed:

I think it’s important for me to preface this by acknowledging that reframing limiting beliefs does not have to mean that I completely deny these felt characteristics. I don’t have to reframe this to be the exact opposite (I am not easily overwhelmed.) I don’t believe that would serve me either. It needs to be a little more creative and nuanced than that. Rather than feeling badly about being “easily overwhelmed” I may start to view this quality a bit differently. Maybe it’s not that I’m easily overwhelmed, but that I am sensitive and feel things deeply. This isn’t necessarily a different thing, but for me, it’s a more positive and pleasant way to regard myself. One framing feels like a deficit, a weakness, while the other feels like a strength.

I am flaky/unreliable:

I might reframe this narrative to something like: I am spontaneous and ever changing. The first statement makes me feel guilty, but the second phrasing allows me to feel good about myself. There is nothing wrong with being spontaneous. It’s good to constantly shift and reevaluate and go with the flow from one moment to the next. There are definitely benefits to being consistent and commitment oriented, but there are also benefits of handling life differently.

I am unworthy:

This one if very hard for me to grapple with. I can’t recall when exactly I made this determination about myself. I feel this thought lingering over me always. It really inhibits my ability to flourish in life. You can’t enjoy the good things that happen to you or all that you have to be grateful for when you feel unworthy of it. This one might be best reframed as: The good things I have in life inspire me to be better every day. My passion and effort to improve are what count.

I am broken:

This one has also been with me for as long as I can remember. I catch my inner voice repeating questions like why am I like this? or why can’t I be normal? all the time. In some ways, I think this belief stems from my sense of awkwardness and social isolation as an autistic woman. I see my differences and label myself “broken” because of them. But different does not mean broken. I am unique. Differences and diversity make the world a fuller, more interesting place.

I have poor communication skills:

Unlike a lot of the other beliefs I hold about myself, I don’t think I began verbalizing this one until recently. I was often frustrated by interpersonal relationships, but didn’t really understand why they always seemed to go wrong. I think the main cause of my “poor communication” is fear. Therefore, I’d like to change this one to: It’s okay to speak from the heart even if it sounds awkward or embarrassing. I am practicing and improving my ability to connect with others every day.

I’m a bad person:

This one, although I do feel it, I imagine would shock a lot of people. I recognize that they are lots of people that are doing worse things than me, but that does not change the way I perceive myself. I have very high standards for myself and the people in my life. I also struggle with black and white thinking. These two factors lead me to view myself as wildly imperfect and therefore “bad.” What’s more interesting is the fact that I am ascribing this label to myself based more on my inner thoughts than my actions. Even though I don’t often act from anger or jealousy or greed, I know that I feel these emotions often and judge myself for it. However, thoughts are not crimes. Immorality is based on action, not emotions. And doing a few bad things or making the wrong decision from time to time does not make me view anyone else as a “bad person” so why should I apply different standards to myself? I am doing my best. Imperfect does not equal bad.

I am incapable of making decisions:

This belief tends to hold me back a lot in life as well. We are presented with decisions every day, and I make each one of them more stressful than they need to be by berating myself with the belief I am incapable of making them. Rather than thinking of this as a negative, I can see this as another strength. I am a careful, thoughtful, and considerate person. I like to analyze every decision thoroughly before taking action.

I am easily angered/upset:

There are positives and negatives of everything in life. Sure, I might feel anger more easily than other people, but on the other hand, I am a very passionate person. My passion is something I really value about myself. Getting angry is just a sign that I care. It’s how I respond to and deal with those difficult emotions that matters.

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The next time I catch myself mindlessly repeating these familiar self-judgements, I hope that I can remember that there are other ways to view these aspects of myself. Things don’t always have to be true or false. There are so many different ways to view the same situations, circumstances, and aspects of ourselves. It will be hard at first. I’ve believed these things without question for my entire life. I won’t be able to let them go in an instant. But with persistence and practice, it will get easier.

Reframing Our Goals

I have a lot of big plans to start working on tomorrow. I’m really trying to get myself excited about these changes rather than feel overwhelmed by them. There is a thin line between eagerness and anxiety. It’s important for me to stay focused on the process rather than the end result. The process is where I’m going to be living, after all. I have to keep reminding myself that there really is no pressure. I’m only doing this for myself. I’m free to adjust and readjust as many times as I need to find the framework that best serves me moving forward. The most important part of all of this is making sure I practice loving kindness toward myself along the way.

1. Give Yourself Credit:

One of the ways I’m doing this is by taking the time to reflect on all the progress I’ve already made. I finally stopped smoking cigarettes again a few weeks ago. My inner voice wants to minimize this accomplishment by telling me things like: You shouldn’t have been smoking in the first place. You don’t deserve a pat on the back just because you stopped actively poisoning yourself. But that isn’t fair, and I know it. I deserve to feel proud of myself. It was a really difficult step for me to take. I honestly wasn’t sure if I’d be able to do it. Now not only have I switched back to vaping, but I have absolutely no desire to smoke cigarettes.

In addition to that, I’ve also managed to pull myself out of a serious eating disorder after only a year. I know that might not sound like much of an accomplishment, but just listening to other people discuss struggling with similar issues for over a decade made me really appreciate myself more. I loved myself enough even in that toxic headspace to make steps in the right direction even if it meant gaining all the weight I lost back again. This time my inner voice says: You still have an eating disorder. You’re just eating abnormally instead of not eating, binging, or purging. Now you’re still fucked up and you’re fat. But once again, that’s not a fair assessment. My eating habits may still be far from perfect, but they are definitely better. This isn’t the end of my journey. I’m even ready to start taking the next step forward.

I often find myself falling into the trap of never-ending self-improvement. I am always looking for the next thing I can do to be a better version of myself. The problem is I never take a moment to appreciate the accomplishments and victories I have along the way. I am a strong, resilient person. I’ve done so much more than I ever thought I could. What’s the point of even having these goals if I never take a step back to enjoy my progress and assess how far I’ve come?

2. Get Excited

Part of the struggle of working towards new goals is just that, viewing it as a struggle. This is where the reframing comes in. Somehow even when we are the ones setting the goals, it can feel like something we have to do rather than something we simply want to do. Keep reminding yourself of all the reasons that you want to be working toward your goals. For me, my intention is to start living in a way that is more loving and compassionate toward myself. I want to live in alignment with my ideals and treat my body and mind with the care and respect that they deserve.

Even more than the words themselves, try to get in touch with the feelings behind those words. Logic alone may be enough to help us act, but it’s the emotion that first inspired us to change that is going to keep us energized and excited about the journey. I like to visualize how good I am going to feel once I’m living in a way that is more true to my values. I’m curious to find out how my body will feel, how my mind might change. This is an adventure that I cannot wait to embark on.

3. No Pressure

Often when I set new goals, I get caught up in putting far too much pressure on myself to achieve them. Instead of visualizing how good I’m going to feel or remembering why I started in the first place, I imagine how shitty I’ll feel if I fail. This is where it’s important for me to remember that no one is there to hold me accountable except myself. There is no reason to fear failure unless I give myself a reason to. It doesn’t matter how long it takes or if I ever even get to where I’m trying to be. Would it even be worth it if I got there by being cruel and hard on myself? There is absolutely nothing wrong with getting off track or making mistakes along the way. That’s all part of learning what works best for me. I’ve just got to stay curious. Why didn’t that work? Why might that have worked better? Is there a way I can make this easier or more fun for myself? No matter the end result, I’m guaranteed to learn a lot about myself along the way. And that is its own form of success.

Setting goals for ourselves shouldn’t be this scary, daunting task. It’s fun to try new things. It’s fun to have something to work towards. It’s fun to learn about ourselves, what motivates us, what sets us off track, what makes us happy. Let your goals be a game. The best part is, as long as you’re trying, you can’t lose.

The Story We Write

Once again, it’s the beginning of a new month. Even though time is just an illusion, I always feel inspired to try new things around times like this. Especially with spring lingering just on the horizon. This month I’d like to start trying to work on my inner dialogue. I really believe it’s important the way we talk to ourselves. We are actively creating our own reality each moment with the words we use to describe it. Language is such an interesting and powerful thing. Even though I know this to be true, it has still always been hard for me to implement a plan to change my own narrative.

I am a very stubborn person when it comes to my beliefs and ideas about things. I am quick to anger when challenged, even by myself. It is hard for me to accept that the way I have been interpreting the world around me isn’t necessarily the only way it can be interpreted. Whenever I try to speak to myself more kindly, that harsh inner critic is repelled. Why are you lying to yourself? It says irritated. Even though I know if I keep trying the words will feel more true to me eventually. It’s hard to overcome the initial feeling of being fake.

This month, instead of going straight for self-talk like I usually do, I want to try to change my inner dialogue in general. I think that might be an easier place to start. For example, I often feel stressed when I am “forced” to do something, whether that be by someone else or myself. I am always reciting the phrase, “I have to…” fill in the blank. I know I don’t really have to but that’s just what I’ve always said. I’d like to start there. Instead of repeating to my friends, family, and myself, “I have to go to work everyday this week” I want to say “I GET to go to work everyday this week.”

It doesn’t seem like a huge change, but I’m willing to bet switching out those two words will lead to so much more happiness and gratitude in my life. “Have to” makes me feel rushed and forced. “Get to” is a reminder that I am ultimately grateful for the opportunity to do the things I do everyday. I am grateful for my wonderful job. I am grateful for my strong healthy body that lets me workout everyday. I am grateful to have coffee to make in the morning and sweet baby angels that need me.

It will be interesting to start being more mindful of the ways I say things to myself and to others. I probably say “have to” even more than I realize. I’m sure it will be nice to remind myself more often that I don’t have to do anything really. I am doing the things I do because I want to and I want to spend more time focusing on how grateful I am that I get to, that I am able to. I am the one writing this story. And the character I play is not a poor servant of others, the universe, or even that voice inside my head. I am free. I am happy. I am so fortunate. I get to live this amazing, wonderful, fascinating, exciting life. It’s about time I started reminding myself of that.

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Use It

I heard this phrase used in a yoga class the other day. Essentially the point is, whatever happens in life, whatever strange turn your day may take, use it to your advantage. This is a great way to reframe difficult situations. Instead of allowing things to bring you down or stress you out, try thinking of a way in which you might benefit.

I am really trying my best to embody this mantra in my own life. We have a lot scheduled at work this week, so I am going to have to come into the office practically every day. Normally this would either infuriate me or suffocate me with stress. But I’m not going to let either one of those happen today. I am going to use this sudden busy schedule to my advantage.

Even though it might seem unpleasant, it is important that I be confronted with situations that stray from my rigid daily outline. How can I use this hectic week to help me grow? Is there a lesson I could learn by persevering? Instead of looking at this as a burden or an inconvenience. I am going to choose to look at it like a blessing. This is a perfect chance for me to practice my yoga off the mat. Can I learn to be centered in my breath even when the world is spinning so quickly around me? Can I find reasons to be grateful no matter what life places before me?

This is the universe giving me the chance to discover for myself that, yes, yes I can do these things. I can do anything. The outside world is not what dictates my inner atmosphere. There is nothing for me to fear. I am going to use this week to show myself that this peace, this love, this stillness is always within me. Nothing has the ability to lessen it or lock it away besides me. It is always my choice how I want to respond to the world around me.

Taking life too seriously seems to be a common problem. Yet life can be anything we want it to be. Why not make it a fun game? Or a story that we are writing about ourselves? Challenges are part of any game. They are part of any story that’s worth reading. Can we use them to become stronger? Can they help us become better versions of ourselves? Things aren’t always going to be easy, but we can learn to find enjoyment and pleasure even in the difficult times. Growth is often painful, but it’s always worth it. We can all learn to find a blissful ease within the effort though. We can all learn to use it.

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