Yesterday and tomorrow bleed into today and everything that matters is washed away the present moment is diluted and drowned the heavy veil of time always in the foreground Today could stand alone or float with frosted wings above the swell of swinging hands, searching for tiny somethings eventually all levees break and all that's left is to let go trust the flood of forward motion to take care of everything on its own Flowing water can't be contained, the cool caress feels nice stand in the stream of experience, knowing it won't happen twice preventing storms is not your place, they have their purpose too the heavy rains feed the soil and someday so will you
This heart is a frightened feral thing with fragile trembling tendrils of trust that take time and tender care to unfurl and retract at the smallest sign of turbulence A heart that slams closed as soon as rain comes the sudden jarring crash of a heavy wood frame scattering shards of glass across wet floors wild moments of instantaneous implosion This heart, it hides and prefers hollow echoes the slow, consistent ache that's familiar recoiling from the violence of vulnerability cowering from slight whiffs of rejection This heart is a frightened feral thing adept at hiding inside dark corners a tedious, painful toil can earn its trust I hope you'll decide it's worth the effort
My Innocent Friends
With animals it's so easy I never have to say a word they don't ask for explanations for the parts of me that are broken they don't hold me up to the image of who I was yesterday, last week, last year we are here together now, and I am loved for whoever I have to be today Their innocent, trusting, glossy eyes tap the glass of my most tender places they are the mirror of the best parts of me gleaming emblems of unconditional positive regard They are the guiding light to perfect peace humble teachers of how to be grateful reminders of the way life was supposed to be with the simple joy of full-bodied presence I stay far away from anyone who says they don't like animals god only knows what goes on beneath the skin of someone like that
Flimsy wings of powder and dust sputter on in relentless motion concentric circles around soft light cracked compass of conviction Artificial glowing eyes multiply the moon's mercy is obscured behind quicksilver reflections made up of false promises Caught in an orbit of friendly flame careening toward the untrimmed wick frail flight forfeited in tongues of fire beguiling illusion of cool lunar illumination
I can't follow a heart that constantly contradicts frightened by unfaithful, fickle feelings This inner guide cannot be comfortably trusted it oscillates wildly in the wind Unable to cope with decisions that can never be taken back just let me linger in limbo forever
Fall is a reminder to forgive ourselves for our failures The inevitable plunge after a season of fiery energy the slow decent into old age We cannot always hold ourselves to the standard of our best days the winter will come again And it's okay to rest it's okay to stumble and go backwards There is no shame in still loving yourself after your worst mistakes Don't be afraid to offer yourself the sacred medicine of self-love it's not reserved for perfection alone You won't be spoiled by your own positive regard during the dark night of the soul There is strength to be found in forgiveness there is grace that blooms from the rich soil of having faith in yourself Severity will not serve you rigidity will leave you broken let your inner gaze be soft Gather up the lessons learned and save them for future opportunities life is abundant with second chances
Selfishness is a shield that says "no one else is going to save me" the self-defense strategy of a skeptical, isolated ego The sad perspective of the heart that feels too unsafe to center itself on anyone else because "then who will take care of me?"
Signs and Synchronicities
I go back and forth every single day. The clarity it comes to me in choppy waves.Aloha Ke Akua – Nahko Bear (Medicine for the People)
Last month, for perhaps the first time, I truly felt like I was receiving messages from the universe. I was open to little nudges, unseen hands guiding me toward the correct path in life. I’m not usually one to believe in “signs” or “universal messages” but the way they began to pile up and manifest themselves in exactly the right moments really had me paying attention. I was in awe at the way the small suggestions and confirmations I was noticing in my daily life seemed to be telling me exactly what to do, encouraging me to make the decisions I was making. My doubt was at an all time low when it came to this type of thing. I followed with confidence, trust, and a heart open to new experiences despite the fear. The universe was on my side.
Then suddenly this past Monday, just as it appeared I had reached the pinnacle of where the universe was leading me, all the signs started to shift. Why were they saying the opposite of what they seemed to be saying a week or even a few days earlier? Had I misunderstood then? Or was I misinterpreting them now? Or had I been kidding myself the whole time, just seeing what I wanted to see? I still don’t know. I’ll never really know. All I know for sure is that I followed them both times. Even though they started to shift in the opposite direction, perhaps contradicting all I had just put so much effort into doing, I continued to follow with curiosity and faith.
To be more specific, the “signs” I thought I was seeing were all pointing me toward a new career path, telling me it was time to break out of my comfort zone and make big changes in my life. Absolutely bizarre coincidences began appearing all around me, unbelievable opportunities suddenly manifested themselves. I was seeing synchronicities everywhere. There was an electric static feeling in the air. It felt impossible to ignore.
Like I said, on Monday of this week, it all came to a head. I had an interview to be an English teacher at a local high school, and they offered me the job. I couldn’t believe it. It had all happened so fast, so miraculously. Somehow I had applied before they even posted the job online. They were so pressed to find someone before the impending school year that they were willing to work with my unconventional licensure situation. I even had exactly the right amount of time to give two weeks notice at my current job. This was the path I had been pursuing before I found myself where I am now. It seemed too perfect, too good to be true. I had to take it. Didn’t I?
That night, my excitement slowly began to wane and turn into a tangible fear. Was I really going to do this? Was this really still something I wanted? Would I be happier somewhere else simply because it offered a bit more money and the potential for more future security? I was so flooded with conflicting emotions and I felt smothered under an impossibly short deadline to decide. I didn’t like the way this pressure was affecting my ability to make a calm, informed, confident decision. It didn’t help that all the signs I looked to to reaffirm the messages I had been receiving now seemed to do a complete 180.
At the final hour, when I had accepted and told my beloved coworkers, but hadn’t yet signed a binding contract for the position, I experienced a physical sensation I had never before experienced. The only way I can describe it is utter dread. My skin was cold and clammy. There was a strange, disgusting, static pressure on the back of my neck. I couldn’t eat that evening. I could barely sleep and woke up at 3am in a complete panic attack.
That morning I let everyone know I was having second thoughts. Somehow I found myself online investigating for the millionth time the steps I’d have to move toward for complete licensure once I accepted this position. Somehow I had never noticed until then what a convoluted, expensive, intensive, seemingly impossible process I was about to commit myself to at the risk of losing everything. That was the tipping point. I decided to back out.
The sense of relief and certainty that washed over me when I changed my decision was immense. I could finally breathe again. I was so unimaginably grateful for where I am right now, the people I get to spend my days with, the work I do, the incredible, supportive family I have. I was also so grateful that I had listened to that palpable force of intuition inside of me that began screaming for my attention.
So what happened? I thought the universe was telling me to do it, but then just before I could, it told me not to. Why? Feel free to think this explanation is completely nuts, I’m sure I would have a few years ago myself. But I still think I heard the messages correctly the entire time. The universe was guiding me toward that interview and that job. I was just getting a bit ahead of myself as to the reasons why. I was not being guided there to accept the offer, or to completely change course. I was guided there to show me something important about the life I have now.
The last few months had left me feeling very unsatisfied and frankly ungrateful for where I am in life. I felt trapped in a shitty situation, doomed to a life I had never foreseen or chosen for myself. This whole experience gave me something so much more valuable than a new job, it gave me a wake up call. I LOVE the life I have now. I’m not stuck here. I WANT to be here. The universe showed me that I have other paths open to me. I can choose a different life whenever I want to. But I don’t want to.
It’s not just complacency or fear of change. It’s because I have everything I could have ever asked for, everything I never even knew was possible for me. I have a job I adore. I get to work with people I not only get along with, but who I love as dearly as my own family. For the first time in my life, I enjoy, even look forward to going to work every day. It doesn’t even feel like work. It feels like spending time with my friends. I get to laugh everyday, feel genuine joy and connection, be my true, authentic self, have lots of downtime and flexibility, caring, understanding superiors, and even beautiful rolling fields with cows and a little pond to take walks to every day. I might not be paid a lot, but it’s enough to live, and that’s all I’ve ever wanted anyway. This job gives me the only kind of wealth that truly matters: community, love, and happiness.
After this harrowing ordeal, I’ve come out of it trusting in the universe, synchronicities, and signs more than ever. I’ve learned to trust myself and the universe a lot more. If I had just kept going, ignored the new messages I was receiving in favor of continuing to follow the old ones, I would have completely destroyed my life. Not only would I have lost everything I have now, I’m certain I would have crumbled under the pressure of everything I hadn’t realized I would be taking on.
Thankfully I listened to the new, seemingly contradictory, guidance and feel happier than I have in a long time. I’m closer than ever to my friends at work. It was beyond touching to see how sad, yet supportive they were about my initial decision, and then how overjoyed they were when I changed my mind. Now more than ever I see the true value and importance of the genuine connections I’ve made here. I got to fully realize the support and love I have from my family, particularly my mother as well. My boyfriend’s mom yelled at him when he said he wanted to turn back from the career path he had chosen. My mom embraced fully whatever path I wanted to choose, assuring me that she loved and supported me no matter what. I hadn’t understood what a rare and special blessing that I had.
Now I know I’m exactly where I need to be. No matter what happens, I am so grateful for all that I have been given and get to continue to enjoy for the time being. I feel refreshed, refocused, and invigorated to be the very best I can be and emboldened to show my undying love and appreciation for the people that give my life purpose and meaning. What a journey these last few weeks have been. Everything I’ve experienced so far in life has been necessary to bring me to where I am. I wouldn’t change a thing. Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.
Just Say Yes
Just say yes, and see where life takes you you can't avoid mistakes but you can embrace them allow your troubles and trials to transform you to teach you new ways to move through Realize it's not a requirement to waste time second guessing there comes a point in your journey when you've got to trust believe that you know the right path to take even though you can never be 100% certain of an intuition Life isn't about being certain or being right like I once thought it's just about being, fully belonging to whatever comes your way bending with the wind, joining in the graceful dance of tree branches bobbing above the waves rather than holding your breath Accept the inevitability of regret and keep going anyway give yourself the grace to falter and fall off course find rest in the strange wisdom that most of the great things in life were never planned or anticipated Not knowing what comes next is what creates the adventure it's okay to feel afraid as long as your truly feeling endless repetition seems safe until it creates a numbness that seeps into your bones and leaves your soul soggy Bear your tender heart to the warm light of a new day even knowing that there is a chance for thunder and rain dare to acknowledge how resilient you really are and step out continuously into the crisp air of the unknown
Love & All Good Things Are Coming
Raising my vibration calling good things in conjuring the confidence to step boldly into a blurry future Transcending shame and the thick soot of regret the alchemy of self actualization requires trust and patience Faith isn't feigning certainty about the most fortunate fate it's the conviction I'll be okay no matter what comes A new coat of courage with tags still attached no refunds, no returns the high cost of change Shedding the illusion things can stay the same the chance to choose transformation before you're caught by it Growth can be uncomfortable but it's best not to fester for long in skin that has become too small trapped inside stagnant complacency Cracking myself open to discover what lies within offering compassion and forgiveness to all I find