An understanding that cannot be uttered a sliver of light that shines through the black gossamer ribbon of muddled memories and misgiving that dangle limply from the rafters of ribcages Fearing the failure of unfounded feelings that gather and disperse indiscriminately searching for some guarantee or at least a stronger container to prevent the restless flapping of tattered wings A whimsical collection of winding words that fall worthless to the bleached wood of the dusted, decaying floorboards amongst fumbling feet frantic to compile them once again Don't be afraid of the things unspoken the truth cannot remain hidden much longer combustion and chaos will surely ensue all in good time be patient
verse
I Always Forget
From the abstraction of atoms I emerge again Electrical impulses, energy Firing between neurons A new expression of me contained within a temporary form I look down at these hands clenched fists, white knuckles I cling desperately to this body that I have become this life that surrounds me and I have already forgotten I always forget That this being is not me I am not these thoughts I am not these hands I am not this body or this mind I am the energy that animates it I cannot be created or destroyed only transformed again and again and again Facing this cycle for infinity I still never fail to forget never fail to fear I will remember again when these eyes close once more I will awake from this dream to become new again to be recycled and reborn to melt away and reappear to lose myself in a new dream all over again
Equanimity
Finding the fortitude to simply surrender Nodding in acknowledgement toward all that's disconcerting Breathing into the tight spaces of not only our bodies but of our minds as well Saving space for the unknown bowing down to the bigger picture that we cannot yet see humbly accepting a limited perspective of this life Noting our indignation as it arises in opposition to adversity and asking ourselves: What is this? Do I really know what's best? Can I release my opinions and embrace what is? Learning that our white knuckled grip is doing us no favors practicing unclenching our grasp on the way things "should" be the way others should act should think should be Having the humility to say: I don't know Having enough trust to say: And that's okay Cultivating curiosity in place of judgement Letting go
Holding Space
Empty spaces are uncomfortable we fidget and fret to find a fast fill consumed by constant consumption Holding space seems impossible but we need room to breath room to expand room for change room for transformation Standing in that emptiness is the only way forward otherwise opportunity will continue to pass us by as we have no where for it to reside
Sublime Surrender
Breathing in I taste the thick sweetness of summer air breathing out A shimmer of satisfaction ripples through me Enveloped in a world so miraculous and perfect humbled by the chance to simply be my soul sings sweetly along with the heartbeat of existence So much beauty to behold the many layers of this life an endless spiraling inwards and outwards far past infinity incomprehensible complexity Unfurling like a flower to the sunlight my innermost essence opens to encompass the vast vibrations of this earth Five superpowers called senses ten fingers, ten toes a body that heals and grows a brain that questions and creates at one with all there is but also somehow separate How sublime it is to surrender to the deep knowing in our bones that stardust inside of us that says, "all is well" that tells us, "have faith, and you will find all you seek"
Flames
enough has never been enough the empty space inside me cannot be filled with food or drugs or dollars perhaps its not simply space but an open furnace with an ever hungrier flame growing brighter each day ignorant of this element I feed it more and more hoping that eventually it will be enough but feeding that fire makes the heat more intense hot tongues licking bone burning me up inside without constant kindling will these flames finally flicker out or will I be the next thing to burn
Intuition
Intuition is something that I don't have. I'm not even sure what it means. What do other people see when they look inside? Are signposts there to guide them? For me, it's murky inside, a hazy cloud of question marks. When I ask myself I am met with only echoes bouncing back and forth forever. Decisions are daunting and never confidently made. Doubt always lingers. I'm told to trust myself, but you can't trust a feeling that isn't there. It's murky inside of me, so can you really blame me for being scared?
Self-portrait
Her fingers smell like cigarettes she's waiting for the day to end she's waiting for the inky black of sleep She's fortunate, yet full of fear she's stacking up the wasted days to make a wasted year Somehow still hoping with that numb and heavy heart hoping something good is almost here She hides away inside her head feeding demons who promise they'll keep the world away But that sense of safety never stays instead she's given lonely days and an ever-shrinking window for change
Protect the Innocent 