Whiplash Let Down 

Hope fatigue
dizzy jitters
shocking joy of
the sudden upswing

Whiplash let down
burnt pages of promises
affirmations finally
to be fulfilled

Gasping panic ache
wind knocked out
frantic reassessment
of the fallen state

Cruel mockery of
a manifested mess
altitude sickness then
plummeting descent

Another Doctor Appointment 

What a joy to be a woman
it comes with opportunities
like pondering how I can make
my doctor take me seriously

Internal debates about makeup
people are nicer if you’re pretty
but then again, it’s feminine
will they just think me more silly?

God, I hope what’s wrong with me
is something that effects men too
otherwise there will be less options
labeled a mystery like autoimmune

Years of being patronized
all concerns being undermined
then you are thought hysterical
if you try to insist or emphasize

I have to do all the legwork
gather my own evidence and research
I hope someday as women we’ll get
the medical care everyone deserves

Can I Still Rise? 

Fever trembling
indignation
no space for silence
or contemplation

Is letting go
a betrayal?
if so I’m sorry
that ship must sail

Let the misty forest
grip me
from all this anger
god, please lift me

Choked by so much
disappointment
became the pain that
felt so poignant

I don’t know if I
can still change
at this point I’m
half deranged

Joys feel insignificant
and small
but I haven’t yet
lost them all

Let patience grow and
make me grateful
god, I’m so tired of
being hateful

ART PAGES LAUNCHED

By the way, I finally made some art pages. Go follow me on Instagram and Facebook.

I’ve already made stickers and magnets of certain drawings. I’d like to start selling them once I see if anyone would like them. I also want to do commissions and pet portraits.

Let me know if you’re interested! Or if you have any drawing suggestions/things you’d like to see me do!

Just to Have You Close 

I’ve been torturing myself
with the letters that you wrote
god, can it really be over ten years ago?
I just wanted to have them close

I don’t know if I’ll read them
it might be more than I can bear
but on the cover your handwriting is there
it feels good to pretend you still care

I flush and cringe with the shame
after so many years I am still grieving
holding onto a love that’s no longer breathing
of hoping maybe you could still need me

I know it’s not right 
for me to carry on this clinging
but in my ears your voice won’t stop ringing
the only thing left that makes me feel like singing

Just let me hold on to this dopamine delusion
can I please enjoy this comfort a little longer
getting drunk on the memories of when we were younger
until hopefully someday I will be stronger

Sunday Morning Prayer 

May I find peace
in the quiet things
may I return to the girl
I was when you left me
and I decided I was still
going to be happy

May I subdue the bitter frost
and thaw out my consciousness
may I allow the joy of others
to life me up
with calm awareness
that we are one

May I not allow cruelty
to curdle all my kindness
may I someday make myself
rich in self-compassion
soothe this lonely sting
with my own friendship

May I learn to offer laughter
when hope is beyond my power
may I forgive myself for failures
forged in immaturity and ignorance
and allow past mistakes to
make me better in the end

A Mother’s Love 

A mother’s love
is truly unconditional
I’m ashamed to know
I was once so ungrateful

I’m not proud to admit
I took it for granted
I think part of me even
hated her for it

When I was a teen
I blamed her for everything
surely she’s the reason
I turned out broken

Years of silence
stolen 20s from her drawer
I ache to recall that one
Christmas I left her gift-less

I guess I didn’t consider
or realize the extent of
the pain I so callously
made her experience

But she never withdrew
her love was there always
even when I didn’t want it
even when I didn’t deserve it

I’ve told her how sorry I am
let her know she’s my best friend
but even if I apologized every day
it could never be enough

If she only knew how much
that changed me, how it saved me
how it humbled me and taught me
what it means to be loved

Every child deserves a mother
so patient, understanding, and kind
I’ll spend my life trying to
be worthy of mine