How can I stop this souring of the heart? how can I swallow this sickening slurry of bitter bile that rises up so often now and spills right off my tongue Pushing it down just creates more tension until a sudden burst of poisonous plumes explodes from between tight lips, clenched teeth The space left inside for peace and compassion has dwindled down to one cramped corner it's getting hard to breathe in here How can I overcome this suffocating anger? this is not the person that I want to be love used to come so easily
Overwhelmed by Options
How am I supposed to pick between all these different directions I guess that's what it means to be sick getting caught up in all these questions Every decision is a hedge maze of doubt an endless tangled spiral towards center isn't some strong desire supposed to win out and guide me, give me the courage to enter I can't pursue every idea that interests me but no one urge pulls more than the others what am I supposed to do, who am I supposed to be? half a life spent in perpetual hesitation that smothers Everyone else seems free to move forward while I'm restrained, encased in concrete consideration hoping and waiting for something to strike a chord and ignite my soul with sweet motivation
How I Like My Coffee
My inner self in shades of coffee you know I only have it strong, dark, and black or so creamy and sugary sweet it hurts my teeth I've never found those in-betweens balance was never my cup of tea you'll never catch me in the middle of anything Stability requires constant concentration twitching tiny muscles to keep you hovering in space moderation is the mind performing on a high wire All or nothing has always felt easier than straining to find steadiness in the center even though I often wonder if it'd make me stronger to try
Me Too
Silent dinners, home alone bring memories back from long ago upheaval of images that turn my stomach appetite lost by what I once thought irrelevant Half formed memories of homecoming dances getting shitfaced and sharing cigarettes after sunset finally contextualizing the confusion that came after shattered pieces suddenly coming together Nervous hesitation and not quite understanding never even considering that I was not to blame angry at only myself for consenting to the circumstances unable to account for the way I collapsed inward, the way I cried Surprised by my swift spiral into suffering not grasping what occurred for over a decade friends that were worried probably figured it out first I'd never questioned for a moment that it was my fault Insight gained through the eyes of a younger generation compassion found secondhand for who I used to be the saddest part is knowing how long I carried secret shame stuffed down so deeply that I couldn't see it I got drunk, we were on a date, I didn't say no loud enough boys are just like this, I should have known better part of me still feels unworthy of acknowledging I didn't deserve that
River of Time
Yesterday and tomorrow bleed into today and everything that matters is washed away the present moment is diluted and drowned the heavy veil of time always in the foreground Today could stand alone or float with frosted wings above the swell of swinging hands, searching for tiny somethings eventually all levees break and all that's left is to let go trust the flood of forward motion to take care of everything on its own Flowing water can't be contained, the cool caress feels nice stand in the stream of experience, knowing it won't happen twice preventing storms is not your place, they have their purpose too the heavy rains feed the soil and someday so will you
Still Afraid
How am I supposed to keep myself from looking at all the dark spots in the outermost corners of everything? How can I allow myself to ignore the shadowy figures that linger and loom behind every open door? It's just a few sinister places the fuzzy edges of uncertain horrors that manage to grip me entirely Even while the spring expands and sprinkles pollen I can't help but continue checking every stone and fixing my eyes on the horizon that frightens me I want to shift my focus so I can enjoy the beauty and pleasure placed before me but I feel compelled to protect myself It feels unsafe to focus on all this goodness my spine still shivers, all hairs stand on end and I cower beneath the ever present specter of pain
Holding Back
It feels wrong to repress this urge to explain the tangled fears inside my brain and constantly update others on my stupid sufferings it feels like shutting down, closing off, lying when I keep it to myself and stay silent But the people I admire inside all my books don't burden there loved ones with their struggles they lift others up within their darkest hours and find healing through acts of selfless service they don't cause more pain by complaining I don't want to make people worry or be a heavy weight around their necks but the best I can do is collapse inward, fall silent I can't stop my voice from shaking and I hate the feeling of pretending Maybe it would get easier if I push through this discomfort for awhile it might start to feel more natural if I keep trying I want to learn to transform these feelings rather than transmit them
Mathematical Mystery
There is nothing more exciting than attempting to transcribe this mystery of complex simplicity The perfect spiral of every shell the hexagonal pattern of a pineapple the slow unfolding lattice of fallen pinecones What does it mean, this secret code that comprises all of this curious existence ever expanding, intricate fractals inside everything The conviction that there is meaning hidden behind the veil of these compounding layers of awe giddy confusion that ignites and fascinates the soul Something stirring deep inside me is tethered to the idea that one day I'll know the answers behind this breathtaking puzzle The strange certainty that part of me already understands like the partial awareness that you are still dreaming like grasping for a word that's on the tip of your tongue The delightful frustration of almost feeling it the desperate desire to find out the clumsy dance of rediscovering something greater
I Dare You to Rest
Sometimes the hard part is slowing down and accepting that it's time to rest perpetual forward motion is impossible listen to your body's plaintive request If you can't enjoy the path you've chosen the destination won't ever please you all the world is made of perfect cycles allow yourself to have seasons too
Unopened Messages
Making the routine effort of cutting the air with carefully thought out sentences words that fall limp like leaves in dead space without a wind to carry soft whispers to waiting ears Why does it matter if any of it's observed? why do I cringe and crave to be witnessed? the shivering, sensual, conceited self half hating what it howls for There is something more romantic about words left unread on yellowed pages the private pleasure of singing for the hushed hollow's quaking trees We once had the world to listen to our loneliness now sectioned off in lifeless packages of false light separate and isolated, wondering why we suffer sealed away from the constant motion of green life