A mother’s love
is truly unconditional
I’m ashamed to know
I was once so ungrateful
I’m not proud to admit
I took it for granted
I think part of me even
hated her for it
When I was a teen
I blamed her for everything
surely she’s the reason
I turned out broken
Years of silence
stolen 20s from her drawer
I ache to recall that one
Christmas I left her gift-less
I guess I didn’t consider
or realize the extent of
the pain I so callously
made her experience
But she never withdrew
her love was there always
even when I didn’t want it
even when I didn’t deserve it
I’ve told her how sorry I am
let her know she’s my best friend
but even if I apologized every day
it could never be enough
If she only knew how much
that changed me, how it saved me
how it humbled me and taught me
what it means to be loved
Every child deserves a mother
so patient, understanding, and kind
I’ll spend my life trying to
be worthy of mine
Happy Endings
Hard to hold on
to good omens
when they’re gone
Bright eyes fade
how long
must I wait?
Overcast of regret
wondering why
did I do it
Burning in my bed
unworthy of the
dreams in my head
Kept lying awake
with the weight
of so many mistakes
Actions I can’t defend
I don’t deserve
a happy end
In Between
I’m trying to
remind myself
that I should
be enjoying
this time
in between
While I languish
beneath the wish
of seeing you
part of me
fears I will
that I’ll get
what I want
and then
lose it again
leaving me
without even
this longing
this hope
of some blurry
holy happiness
up ahead
Unfounded Hope
Impatient
I’m waiting
to get better
Compelled
that my healing
will bring us together
Hoping
for abstract
glimpses of bliss
Afraid
that you’ll always
be someone I miss
Embarrassed
of feelings that
are likely one sided
Certain
you’re worthy of
more than I give
Doing What’s Right
It’s easy to be an activist
when all you do is talk
easy to speak of morals
with protective cognitive blocks
Doing what’s right is simple
when you’ve always been on that page
you conveniently avoid the facts
that point out you’ve got to change
Easy to point the finger at
capitalism and corporate greed
while still paying for violence
taking lives that you don’t need
Easier to shoot the messanger
of something none of us condone
I don’t ask you to live by my morals
I ask you to live by your own
Empathy & Activism
I learned a long time ago that screaming facts at people doesn’t result in them changing their beliefs or behavior. At a certain level, I get it. I don’t like to be told what to do or think either. However, I’d like to think that even if I didn’t like the way new information was presented to me, I’d have no choice but to accept the truth, especially if it was important.
I watched a video the other day discussing studies that have shown the best way to change someone’s mind, is listening to them, empathizing with their side, and NOT trying to change their mind. While I believe this is most likely accurate for most people, I struggle with it a lot.
On the issues I’m most passionate about, I don’t know how I could possibly do that. I truly feel no empathy for someone causing harm. I mean, I guess if I really sit down and consider all the reasons they do and believe the things they do, I feel empathy. But in the heat of the moment? Hell no. So then what? Am I supposed to fake it? That doesn’t feel right, and I don’t think I could if I wanted to. Imagine if the only way you could hope to stop child predators or murderers was to empathize with them. Seems like an impossible ask.
It’s not just as if you hold these beliefs and they’re leading to negative things. I’m talking about people that continue to cause direct harm to others every single day. And even after presenting them with that information, how am I supposed to not get angry when they refuse to change? How can I have empathy for someone who refuses to have empathy for others?
Not only that, showing them empathy and hearing them out will not result in a sudden shift in beliefs/behavior anyway. It just makes it more likely they’ll be open to your side and think about it. Maybe they’ll change 5 years from now. Maybe not.
What if we don’t have 5+ years to wait for these people to morally develop? How am I supposed to be okay with letting a child predator or a murderer continue on for even a moment with just the possibility they may change someday? No, they need to stop immediately. This very instant. I cannot tolerate anything else. I can’t empathize with people knowingly committing atrocities. I can’t condone violence. Not for a year, not for a day, not for a second.
Maybe feeling that way only hurts my cause. But regardless, I can’t help it. It grieves me to say that the best activism I seem to be capable of at the moment is keeping my mouth shut. Because if I try to engage with people on these issues, I know it is just pushing them farther away from my point, as infuriating as that may be.
Mixed Drinks
It’s wild alcohol
is the drug of choice
gives rise to an
unfiltered voice
Unbearable urge
to smoke again
I think everyone
is my good friend
The worst decisions
I’ve ever made
a sober mind
would have forbade
Cringe at what
I said out loud
best self obscured
by a sedative shroud
But so much anxiety
demands a few drinks
in the moment
it’s nice to not think
Get over with
what must be done
deal with the regret
when tomorrow comes
Disenchanted
Rather read my diary
than talk to me
violate my holy sanctuary
Love to me means something else
not only thinking about the self
hiding behind mental heatlh
Compassion is all I’m asking for
soaked in pain I can’t endure
your answer is anger, shame, ignore
Rather leave me than have a conversation
I hope you’re a fan of masturbation
because I’m not capable of meek prostration
After the blatant cruelty you’ve shown
I don’t see a choice besides being alone
left to grieve another false home
(November 19, 2023)
All Good Omens
Giddy gratitude
vibration rise
smiles that finally
reach the eyes
Luck is turning
dark cloud drifted
heavy spirits
are now lifted
Peals of laughter
Pittsburgh at night
God bless the stranger
who offered a light
Tides are changing
friendly seas
right where I’m
supposed to be
All is unfolding
just as it should
trust and believe
what’s coming is good
Time to Sleep
Between the pangs of anguish
that rise up from false
memories of lost illusions
there is a softness that
drifts across the soul
like the exhausted slumber
of a sick child
it feels good to rest, to sleep
especially when all
thoughts of waking up
are set aside