Some days I love myself out of spite through a rising, righteous indignation at how this world has corroded my self image I won't allow the advertisements to seep in capitalism cannot infiltrate my innocence and trick me into believing I'm not enough Some days I do nothing as an act of rebellion the practice of fighting that external pressure of productivity that corporations insidiously impose I won't let myself be poisoned by false notions that laziness is something inherently shameful I don't have to produce profits to prove my worth Some days I revel in the remembrance that humans are also just animals my instincts outweigh the sway of society There is nothing unnatural about my inability to thrive beneath the burden of unrealistic expectations I don't have to submit to these standards
Self love
Keep Coming Back
Don't get distracted, keep coming back this lesson is liquid and illusive lost inside days of fruitless fixation zeroing in on all the wrong things Butting my head against the same walls when all I need to do is look around me the world opens up in a shimmering instant as soon as I manage to turn my intention Tied down by brittle twine I've been taught to believe is somehow stronger than my ability to break free but I am much more than I who I used to be I am capable of change, of lifting my own spirit I won't be discouraged by tedious repetition I am learning how to forgive as I practice wading through the heavy water of self-doubt to remember what matters most Misled into chasing joy in all the wrong places this stillness, this silence, these small moments are easy to overlook, but all that I need don't get frustrated, keep coming back
Choices
I often find myself at conflict with a lot of the messaging in the spiritual wellness or yoga communities. I don’t know if people have been on their own personal journey’s so long they’ve forgotten what it was like in the beginning, or if people simply aren’t suffering from mental illness the way I and many others are. Either way, these communities, despite perhaps having the best intentions, tend to overlook how hard it can truly be to move into a better headspace.
Constantly hearing things like, “just choose to be happy” or “do these practices and you’ll inevitably feel better” can be a little dismissive and hurtful. Especially when you really believe it’s that easy. Not talking about what hard work yoga and mindfulness truly are is a dis-service to so many people. It leads to toxic positivity, imposter syndrome, spiritual bypassing, and/or giving up on yourself all together.
It’s so important that we all remember that everyone’s journey will be different and take a different amount of time. After having a personal practice for over 12 years, I find myself wondering why I’m not “better” yet. I ask myself what is wrong with me when I notice myself perpetually backsliding into old familiar habits of negative self-talk and mindless action. It becomes a cycle of perceiving that I’m not kind or compassionate enough to myself, then beating myself up for not being where I want to be. It’s unbelievably frustrating. I keep asking myself, if we can all choose happiness in moments of anger or despair, why can’t I? Why am I still struggling?
Only recently have I come to realize that it’s much more complex than just choosing another way of being. We do all have choices, but those choices look very different for all of us. Someone who has been practicing self-hatred or even self-harm for years cannot just go to yoga everyday and decide to be happy and love themselves. It may take them the rest of their life to even come close to that goal, despite diligent, consistent effort. And that’s okay.
When you are confronted with a situation that generally makes your angry, the choice to simply let it go and be happy may truly not be available to you in that moment. Maybe your choice today is just noticing your anger, or your grief, or your nervous energy, or whatever is coming up. Maybe you can choose to sit with those feelings and allow them to be there. And maybe you will spend years practicing that noticing and allowing, without feeling able to choose a different feeling state. And that is okay. Healing is not a race, and the more your try to rush yourself, the less you will actually be able to heal.
Today I invite you to take a look at your own practice, especially if you’re someone who has tried and given it up as a lost cause. Are you putting yourself on a timeline? Are you criticizing yourself for not making progress as quickly and easily as others may seem to be? Are you losing faith in yourself after falling back into harmful habits time and time again? Have you given up on yourself? Take a moment to forgive yourself for having a different path than everyone else. Take a moment to acknowledge how hard it can be to try to heal, and thank yourself for making any effort at all. You’re doing just fine. Give yourself as much time as you need. You’re exactly where you need to be.
If trying harder doesn’t work, try softer
Sick of Self-Care
Acts once performed with the intention of loving kindness have become just additional burdens of mindless routine every little task now resonates with resentment self-care disfigured and transmuted into self-harm Somehow I turn even healing practices into poison to punish myself for not meeting my own expectations what is there inside me that turns self-love so sour? why doesn't putting in the work work for me? Tools I was told would transform me if I was patient were twisted into weapons of perfectionism just more masochistic mutations of all the miracles I used to think would some day save me I'm so tired of this futile self-improvement project called me the pearls of ancient wisdom I've turned to soot within my fingers the internal pressure of trying to get better is the terminal illness of my inner-most essence
It Doesn’t Feel Like a Choice
Can a broken brain really fix itself? maybe it requires a lot of help but how can you seek out something you're already certain you don't deserve? I've tried relentlessly to turn the tides of my mind toward the sun but the familiar shore of rage and despair is magnetic as it resists every effort It's gotten no easier to resist this automatic under toe of self-defeating thoughts when it pulls my head below the waves so swiftly and with such strength Self-love practices that once felt like salvation have turned sour under the miasma of this mind shame and disappointment have piled onto the frustration of not being able to be different I had really hoped that it was a choice that I could decide to feel better but now I doubt that it's fully true there are more factors to change than sheer will It feels like an attack to keep hearing it's up to me when I've been trying my very best but it's still not enough to get by I guess I should be glad it worked for a little while
Animal Spirit
the body loves me even when I don't love it this animal spirit inside is fighting tirelessly to keep me alive Intricate networks of blood vessels and veins muscles and sinews and breathing stardust cleverly conspiring to keep me safe I poison its efforts with casual harm cutting and gagging and straining its limits imperfection is not justification for punishment blinded to the enormous, exhausting efforts of a body trying its very best This quivering creature that cradles my soul only craving compassion and care the bare minimum of reciprocation for non-stop, selfless service offered in a myriad of unnoticed ways I cannot fault it for not following vanity and dangling me just above death to fit in a smaller dress it doesn't understand that desire true love is keeping me healthy The fierce physical innocence of this form continues to create blood and breath and bone to buoy me forward in this life without thanks the precious animal that is also me doesn't deserve such callous disregard The mind and the body are wards of one another it's time my mental faculties begin carrying their own weight in the ways of consistent loving-kindness for this creature doing the best it can
You Deserve It
Holding back the happiness has become a form of self-defense a suit of armor inlaid with spikes stripping the soul of all color A perversion of pleasure believed to be undeserved the conviction that hardships will hurt worse with contrast Let your heart lift with the certainty that there are no prerequisites for celebration the spirit is free to sing at its leisure relinquish the reigns of self-affliction Wrap your heart in layers of joy so when the rain comes, as it must you will have a safe harbor of happiness to sustain you from within Don't ever feel you must deny yourself life's most simple, innocent delights don't leave your soul to starve without its natural nourishment I promise you've already earned your small share of sunshine don't waste your life wondering if you are worthy You've won the lottery of merely living each automatic breath is a reminder that you deserve to be here and thoroughly enjoy it whenever you can
Slow Descent
Someday not far off from now this body will truly fail me when that day finally comes I'll wish I had forgiven it for all these small imperfections I'll wish I had been kinder and offered compassion to the many parts of me that make me cringe just to acknowledge I'll think more gently about the things that now seem unacceptable about this ever fading physical form it's hard to face the fact that future changes will all be for the worse All the more reason to not waste this glorious season of youth spread before me now to not spend one more summer ashamed of my soft tummy I already look back and wish I had loved myself more freely and lament all the energy I've spent disowning and being disgusted by my own body When the winter of my life arrives how can I hope to embrace my decline and not crumble with every new crease I find when I've been unable to enjoy myself even when I was at my very best I want to be grateful for what I have now so I don't discover someday that the treasure I've lost slowly through the years was one I never knew the true value of until it was all gone
Forgive
Fall is a reminder to forgive ourselves for our failures The inevitable plunge after a season of fiery energy the slow decent into old age We cannot always hold ourselves to the standard of our best days the winter will come again And it's okay to rest it's okay to stumble and go backwards There is no shame in still loving yourself after your worst mistakes Don't be afraid to offer yourself the sacred medicine of self-love it's not reserved for perfection alone You won't be spoiled by your own positive regard during the dark night of the soul There is strength to be found in forgiveness there is grace that blooms from the rich soil of having faith in yourself Severity will not serve you rigidity will leave you broken let your inner gaze be soft Gather up the lessons learned and save them for future opportunities life is abundant with second chances
Take Your Medicine
Silence is the medicine so desperately needed in a deafening world of noise the earth is always waiting with gentle tea leave tonics to soothe an aching heart rough, strong branches to support your tired limbs soft, sweet smelling grasses to cradle a head made heavy with over stimulation invite in the fearful feeling that rises suddenly inside at the thought of slowing down prove to yourself that the world keeps spinning when you completely stop rest is the only remedy that can refill an empty cup taking a break seems impossible when you need it most of all this is your permission slip to settle into stillness and reconnect with the almighty ebb and flow of ever-present earth energy pulsating beneath your feet you deserve to take deep breaths and sprinkle your days with compassionate commas and plump, perfect pauses